Accepting New Daylight Savings Time: What Can You Do?

Accepting New Daylight Savings Time: What Can You Do?
by Josh Righter

Earlier this month, President Bush signed his new energy bill into law amidst protests by some concerned for the environment that it doesn't offer any real solutions, and protests by some conservatives that car exhaust and using oil is good for the earth. But one particularly-debated section of this bill is the provisions for new daylight savings time -- beginning in 2007, daylight-savings will extend by four weeks in order to save energy. How could anyone possibly come to terms with this radical change? The EV has you covered.

- Prepare self to deal with idiots who believe the law affects the Earth's rotation
Beware of these people, who will furrow their brows and wonder out loud how the President can change how the Earth works. If necessary, jettison them to the sun to demonstrate that it and the Earth are in the same places they always were.

- Welcome change as solution to energy troubles
No need to get upset -- thanks to daylight savings time, your gas prices will be coming down in no time! And when they go up again, we'll just go to bed a little earlier. Bonus tip: feel free to continue wasting water and playing "Antifreeze Dump" with friends, as this will fix those problems, too.

- Quickly become president of energy company
This will not solve your daylight savings issues, but will ensure that you have enough money to think it's not so bad.

- ...wait, does it affect the Earth's rotation?
Because how can...I mean, is he just taking hours out of the day? Won't we need new calendars?

- Become CHUD
Cannibalistic human under dwellers have no need to worry about things relating to the light. Bonus: you get to eat other humans.

- Learn to subsist on 24 hour stores
Most of what you need in life can be found at 7-11 and 24 hour Super WalMarts. Plus, these places are able to stay open despite the new law because they don't use any energy at all, so you can feel safe shopping there.

- Refuse to change clocks
If you keep carrying on in your usual routine, eventually, everyone will have to follow your lead. Bonus tip: if you are worried about any potential repercussions by doing this, don't be. There are none.

- Create clever joke, "Daylight slavings time"
This will remind you to change your clocks as well as letting your friends know that you're aware that everyone is, like, a slave to the man, and to time and daylight.

- Watch "Groundhog Day"
This movie, featuring Bill Murray having to relive the same day over and over again, will make you glad that at least the government didn't make a law forcing us to do that.

- Use the saved daylight on a special day
Remember, it's not called "daylight savings" for nothing -- you can use your stored daylight at a time when you really need it. Consider using your extra day time to impress a date with perpetual sunlight, or to play a prank on someone who is trying to go to sleep.

- Become morbidly obese
This way, you will feel the urge to sleep more often and won't miss the day as much. Bonus: you will die sooner.

Email This Story | Comment On This Story | Back To Archives