EV Living™: Writing Angst Poetry
                          by Natalie Grano

There’s nobody quite as popular as the depressed teenage kid with black eyeliner and white-out nailpolish who writes notebook after notebook of depressing poetry. With a little help from the Enduring Vision (which you cannot write a poem about due to copyright infringement), you, too, can become a loved poet, and you’ll probably become famous and then everyone who made fun of you in high school will be really jealous because you’ll be rich and people will love you! And nobody will love them! Serves them right for kicking you off the lunch table and calling you a doofus!

Step one: Pick a subject.
There are plenty of subjects an angst-ridden poet can choose from. All of them will start you on the path to creating an amazing poem which will make that kid in Debate who didn’t want to be your partner cry with jealousy. Some topics are: silence, loneliness, darkness, quietness, lack-of-lightness, depression, voices, not being listened to, being an outcast, being a member of Outkast, silence, depression, or inner thoughts. Just pick one and you’re ready for step two!

Step two: Set your tone.
Every great writer who wants to quash those who have laughed at him knows that to express your inner brooding, you have to pick the right mood for your poem. A “cheat-sheet” of the best moods is as follows: depressed, sad, angry, morose, furious, sullen, desperate, “You don’t know me!”, alienated, talent less, and also depressed. You’ll want to sit in your bedroom for a long time, listening to rock music with your shades drawn, as you contemplate your topic. After you finish stabbing the yearbook photo of Bobby Culbertson, the varsity football player who shoved you into a locker freshman year, you’re ready for step three.

Step three: Pick some cliched phrases.
If you really want to sound smart and tormented, you’ll want to include some phrases in your poem that will really amaze your readers and also cause them to cry just as much as you have because everyone else is a loser and you’re the only cool person who isn’t at all fake on this freaking planet. Your phrases might include “I wear a mask,” or “I hide under a blanket of sorrow” or “They’ll never understand” or “Their whispering voices mock me, but they don’t understand” or “I would really like some more Cheetoes.” Actually, you’ll want to exclude that last one, because Cheetoes are a product of a conglomerate company. Down with the system!

Step four: Use the line “A spiraling vortex of darkness.”
Your poem will have a profound impact on everyone if you do. You can compare said vortex to your life, your heart, your inner feelings, etc.

Step five: Don’t punctuate well.
If you’re doing it right, you should use lots of commas, no commas, random spaces, and not a lot of capitals. Otherwise, you’re conforming. You’re becoming like the mindless sheep of your generation! And everyone knows what happens to sheep.

Step six: Use the line “A spiraling vortex of darkness.”
Yes, again. No, you can’t change any of it. Otherwise nobody will read your poem.

Step seven: Get published and make a million dollars and flaunt it in everyone’s face.
Then, everyone will be your friend, and will be totally and completely stunned by your awesome writing talent, and your original ideas. Don’t forget to thank the EV for your instantaneous success! Doofus.

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