Apple Computers Now Bigger Than Jesus
                                     by Scott Borchert and Josh Righter

Apple Computer Corporation was awarded victory yesterday over Apple Corps, the record label launched by spelling-deficient music group The Beatles, in a trademark lawsuit that argued that the Beatles owned the rights to being bigger than Jesus.

In the past, Apple Computers had remained apart from the music industry, as part of an agreement struck between the record label and the computer company, putting it behind -- or at least on-par, in the case of some Mac-owning true believers -- with the Son of God. But Mr. Justice Edward Mann ruled yesterday in London's High Court that Apple Computers Corporation has become, since launching iTunes and iPod music player, much bigger than Jesus or the Beatles.

"Both boast an apple logo, both are competitors within the music industry, and both have vied for equality with God at one time or another," said NPR legal analyst Dahlia Lithwick. "While the Beatles will always be remembered fondly, and their contribution to music will go undiminished for centuries, they just don't have what it takes to beat out Jesus for top spot in the apple of the world's eye anymore, pardon the pun."

Apple computers maintains, in light of religious community backlash, that they are not necessarily better than Jesus as a person or God as a thing; it's just that they move more units than the Almight has shown in recent decades.

"Christian bookstores are closing left and right, and while the Bible remains a contender in the book industry, it's nothing compared to what we see going out of Best Buy every day," said the incredibly-named Apple Computers spokesman John Beatle. "I think it's safe to say that we're bigger than Jesus these days, what with preachers putting their messages on podcast. Where would Jesus be without Apple Computers to spread his message? We win."

When reached for comment, Jesus defended His small line of MP3 players, which currently sell under the Sony brand, saying they just have to "settle in to their right market".

"I think I can compete just fine with Apple," said Mr. Christ with a trace of irritability. "And they're lucky that antitrust laws prevent me from using divine power on my products, or they'd be screwed. Maybe."

But even with a hypothetical Jesus-blessing to competitors, many Apple fans say that the company would still come out on top, fueled by a Google-like aura of can-do-no-wrongness.

"Well, first of all, Macs are just so much better than PCs," opined one Mac enthusiast who has never owned a PC or used one for any significant length of time. "Once I tried to use one for a few minutes at my mother's house, and I couldn't even do any cool keyboard shortcuts that I've memorized on the Mac. Lame."

"People who use Macs tend to be more artistic, creative, and cool than those using boring old PCs," said other devout worshipper, despite the fact that our reporter was asking about Apple's music program. "It's like, when you use a PC, you're just being boring. There's Apple ads about it, go look at them."

The Beatles say their only hope now, outside of legal retribution, is to use their dead members to their advantage and become an actual religion to become bigger than Jesus and Apple Computers.

"John Lennon could've definitely written a Bible-like text, and maybe we'll find it one day soon," said Paul McCartney, feverishly scribbling in a book. "If we did, I'm sure there are plenty of fans willing to worship."

"It would be like Scientology," added Ringo Starr, "only we wouldn't hurt anyone or take their money."

"Hey, I'm dead too," said George Harrison.

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