Area Man Wakes Up; Past 4.5 Billion Years A Dream
                                     by Josh Righter

Area man Jonathan Rhodes awoke this morning to realize that the entire existence of the universe up to the point of his waking was actually an elaborate dream of his, possibly fueled by a late night snack of cold fried chicken leftovers in the refrigerator and NyQuil.

"Wow," he said upon waking up. "Huh. Wonder what that meant."

Locations, faces, and events past and near-present were all generated by Rhodes' imaginative mind, from George Washington to George W. Bush, from the bubbling turbulence of early Earth to the tranquil calm of water in a toilet bowl, from the Big Bang to Nestle Crunch.

Rhodes says that although the fact that reality was a dream for him did surprise him, certain things, in retrospect, should have clued him in that it was mere fantasy.

"So many things just didn't make any sense," he recalls. "You know how it is -- something will happen in your dream that you know just couldn't be real. That's how it was with this dream...believable at some points, but filled with frankly bizarre shit at others."

After awakening, Rhodes was momentarily disoriented as he tried to reconcile his vivid dream with the real world.

"I kept tensing myself up and waiting for something to come along and really stress me out," he said, smiling at himself. "I kept wanting to turn on the news and see what had happened while I was sleeping. That's how it was in my dream."

Psychologists say that dreams like Rhodes' are not unusual, and even healthy -- they help us to remember to appreciate the world we really do exist in by presenting an undesirable alternative.

"Mr. Rhodes' subconscious is demonstrating to him that although he may not be completely satisfied with how things are going, there are strange, twisted realities that could exist in the place of this one," said Dr. Samuel Freed. "Most of us have nightmares like these from time to time, but I don't think it's anything to worry about."

Others, however, see Rhodes' dream as something more sinister.

"To dream that vividly about things so shockingly terrible...I think there may be something awry with this young man," said one concerned doctor at a recent panel convened to discuss the dream. "It's simply not normal to have thoughts like what he has described to me. A whole world like that -- what could possess him to think of things like this?"

"He's obviously being influenced by something or other," opined another. "We need to take a look at what he's been doing -- there could be a danger in there that could spread to other people."

"It wouldn't be a problem," added a third doctor, "if he would just follow my prescribed recommendations for --"

"That's ridiculous!" shouted another. "You can't --"

The panel erupted in fighting and shouting. This reporter left the room, fearing the worst, but later reports indicated that the bickering has now spread across the nation. The differing viewpoints exposed by the dream have drawn attention to deep faultlines in the country, and possibly even on an international level.

Rhodes says he obviously didn't intend for his dream to have this kind of impact, but he felt it was important to tell people.

"Maybe you'll recognize it if you're having it," he said, "so that you can wake up before I did."

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