Avoiding Offensive Material: What Can You Do?
                                     by Josh Righter

Janet Jackon baring her breast at the Superbowl, Conan O'Brien accused of racism in Canada, CBS apologizing for Outkast's performance at the Grammys due to some native Americans taking offense at it -- it seems as if everywhere you turn these days, there's somebody doing something offensive. Is there any escape? Luckily, with the help of The EV, you'll soon realize that the answer to this question is yes.

- Remove ears and eyes
Often, these sense organs are the main culprit in witnessing offensive material. Get rid of them immediately if you still want to be able to call yourself a decent person.

- Avoid watching the news
Many people don't realize that the evening news often contains graphic depictions of reality, and worse, it doesn't even have a TV-M rating -- or any rating at all. Stay away from Dan Rather and his smut at all costs.

- Live overly-offensive life to desensitize self
If your real life is offensive, you won't be so bothered by offensive images and sounds. The EV recommends becoming addicted to at least one drug (in addition to alcohol), using the f-word a minimum of 509 times a week, having anonymous sexual encounters frequently, and killing at least two winos a day.

- Remove mirrors from bathroom
Many people don't think that a mirror could cause them any damage...until they see their own naked, uncensored bodies before taking a shower and realize that they are psychologically damaged forever. Your genitals are not meant to be seen by anyone, even you. Especially you.

- If having sex, leave clothes on
The last thing you'd want to do during sex is catch a glimpse of your partner's bared breast or genitals -- you had enough of that during the Superbowl Smuttime Show!

- Be aware of subliminal offensive messages everywhere
Did you know that popular cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants is actually a giant dildo? Many times, things can be offensive to you without you actually realizing that they are.

- Launch litigation against all sources of offensive material
Carry a stack of court orders with you in case a man on the train says a swear, or you are at someone's house who is watching a TV show with a risque commercial in it. These people deserve to be punished for the damage they are doing to you.

- Watch "Natural Born Killers"
This hilarious romantic comedy about a wacky couple and their misadventures across the country will take your mind off the offensive world around you for a few hours.

- Die
Sometimes giving up is the only way to win. You also may be killed by the overwhelming amount of offensive material surrounding you.

- Realize that there are inevitably going to be things in this world that cannot sit completely well with everyone, and that if you'd get even an iota of fucking tolerance you'd realize that seeing a breast on TV is not a big god damned deal
Caution: this one is not for everyone. Consult your family doctor to ensure you don't have a history of Stupid in your family before attempting.

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