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Baby
Suri Hates You, Wants You Dead
by
Scott Borchert and Josh
Righter
The
offspring of celebrity couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who until recently
had been hidden from the media as the finishing touches to her were applied
at the lab, released her first statement to the public today, in which
the famous and adorable baby expressed a deep-seeded hatred for you and
her sincerest wishes that you die in agony.
Speaking through her personal aura-interpreter and baby psychic Olaf Chakrini,
baby Suri had the following to say: "I hate you for paying attention
to my excessive cuteness, and for sharing your opinion of me with co-workers
and friends. I hope that for every celebrity magazine you buy with me
on the cover that someone you love is mugged and anally raped in a dark,
fetid alley."
The newborn amalgamation of TomKat's amniotic fluids did not have anything
to say about the dwindling portion of the public that is still too crestfallen
over the death of Steve Irwin to care about the plotting infant. However,
assuming that you are reading this article because of a desire to know
something about Baby Suri, it is you she despises and for whom she will
devote her life praying for an untimely demise.
"It's a good thing that Baby Suri can't speak yet, because if she could make clear her desire to impale every celebrity news junkie, her baby fat would seem a lot less cute and adorable," said an attorney for the happy parents. "I'm not sure if it would help or hurt the young child's A-list status if it were able to properly express its desire for the slow death of every headline-chaser and photographer in Hollywood, but I can tell you that I've seen the look in her eyes. It's a look that says, 'Keep on staring at me, because eventually, you're going to wish that your last visual memory was of something more pleasant than me skullfucking you with a nail gun.'"
The family's attorney insists that Baby Suri has been largely kept from the public eye -- aside from the casting of her first bowel movement being sold to charity, which the attorney insists was only done to satisfy Tom Cruise's daily quota of doing at least one "batshit insane" thing -- less for matters of privacy than for public safety. Cruise and Holmes released a statement adjuring the public to stay away during this particularly vulnerable time of their child's life for their own good and self-preservation.
"She's such a smart baby, and she knows it's people like you who are going to make her life miserable," said the proud mother during an interview with the National Enquirer. "If she had the strength, she would enjoy nothing more than to emasculate you and lower you into a tank full of hungry sharks. But she'll grow up soon enough, so now we just want to enjoy the company of the newest member of our family before she gets too big to hold in my lap, or to repress from slaughtering thousands, starting with you."
Friends and family all agree that you're going to deserve what you get when Suri becomes of killin' age. Those close to TomKat unanimously concurred that your voyeuristic addiction to children and their icon-parents can only be properly ended by the sadistic crushing of your head in a vice that will be tightened one revolution a minute until death by the very object of your unhealthy superstar mania.
Those close to the baby also expressed their desire to warn you that even shifting your woefully myopic gaze to some other celebrity object of affection will not save your intestine from being ripped from your abdomen and reconnected into your mouth to form a flawless chain of putrescence with which to sustain you.
"She'd like to eviscerate you on principle, really," explained a nanny close to the family. "It's not just paying attention to her specifically that is going to fuck you over so bad, but rather your addiction to this culture in general. So please, don't go thinking you can find refuge in the arms of Bradgelina, because if they're not willing to do what it takes and urinate on your beating heart, Suri Cruise is, and that's for damn sure."
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