Band Of Hasidic Jews Terrorizes Local Falafel Restaurant
                                     by Scott Wagner*

Just south of Broadway on Saturday afternoon, two Lebanese people were killed and five were wounded in an airstrike on a local Middle Eastern Restaurant. The strike was conducted by an angry group of Hasidic Jews, who muttered in Yiddish while the attacks occurred.

The men, wearing those silly sideburn curls and some funny hats, launched an all-out offensive against Hasan Hossain's restaurant The Grillin' Turban, which caters parties and small weddings. The Jews were angered by Hossain's restaurant, which, according to one of the Jews, "is Lebanese."

"Six million Jews died during World War II," said Rabbi Saul Tuckman, the self-proclaimed leader of the angry Orthodox band. "Did you forget that? Six million, I said. And what is this? Not six million."

"Millions of Jews died during the Nazi control of Europe," said Levi Goldenblatt, a member of the group and avid shuffleboard player. "So why don't you back off, hey? We Hasidim are not pleased with the business practices of Mr. Hossain -- namely, that he is Muslim."

The group also expressed their belief that they are actually entitled to the building that the restaurant was located in.

"Why does it matter so much? Peh, you ask too many questions," said Goldenblatt. "The point is that if we had a business there instead of them, things would be a lot better."

Hossain, who is not Muslim but a practicing member of a weird Lebanese religion called "Druze", claimed that many Lebanese people are Druze and not considered Muslim, so they should not be subjected to attacks on their restaurants.

"In fact," said Hossain, "I myself grew up in the deserts of New Jersey."

The deserts of New Jersey or not, the position of the world's favorite superpower -- the United States -- is fairly clear. The USA has vehemently supported the rights of Jews all over the globe throughout history, going back to the Jews' enslavement by Egyptian Pharaohs.

White House spokesman Tony Snow declared that Hossain's restaurant was "owned by a man possibly related to another 'Hussein,' that we all remember from the September 11th terrorist attacks, and therefore poses a credible threat to Amurica [sic]."

But Hezbollah, a Lebanese Islamist group, has decried the assault and vowed retaliation.

"The good news for us is that we were planning retaliation before there was even anything to retaliate against, so it all works out," said a spokesman for the group.

The United Nations and the G8 cautiously watched the situation as it continued to develop, though the groups were careful not to issue any declarations that make any real sense.

"I guess we'll see what happens," said President George W. Bush at a recent G8 conference in St. Petersburg, shrugging and giggling. "But remember: North Korea has nucular[sic] weapons pointed at New York, Los Angeles, Toronto and all other cities in America, and they will launch them any second. 'Real' violence is not as big of a deal, because any second we'll all be dead from North Korea. Remember. Never forget."

In addition, the eight countries in attendance issued a joint statement that pleaded with the two sides, saying, "Stop it, you guys! Jeez, stop fighting!"

Hossain said he plans to rebuild his restaurant despite the Israeli opposition. He also "may sue somebody", but he says no lawyers are willing to accept his case, because "all lawyers are Jews".

*Josh Righter contributed to this story.

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