Bomb Blast Betting New, Exciting Trend In Britain
                                     by Michael Less

Priding themselves as much for their eagerness to place a bet as for their stoic reserve, numerous Brits are hoping to hit big in the next bombing jackpot, flooding bookies with their money, or "pounds", as they bet on which location will be struck or pretend-struck next.

Although the City of London remains a prohibitive favorite in odds set by British bookmakers, many gamblers are seeing opportunities to wager on smaller cities and transportation facilities.

"Ya got t' figger Heathrow’s out," said one savvy railbird, "the bobbies 'er on that one like a truffle-eatin' pig. But Leeds, now that’s where all them Pakis came from. I got 20 quid on at least one explosion in Leeds during 2005, and I thinks me chances are pretty good. I wouldn't get anywhere near th' bloomin' place right now."

The "over-under" on explosive devices yet to be detonated in Britain this year is currently set at sixteen, although some see this figure as suspect.

"That seems a trifle high," sniffed a member of the House of Lords. "I should hope we’d limit the wogs to no more than a dozen or so. I do, however, expect to spend quite a bit of time at my country estate this year."

One oddsmaker explained that bombing bets were necessary because there had been excessively lopsided action in betting on a military exit date from Iraq; "when hell freezes over" had been getting so much play that there weren’t enough bets on any other date to pay off the expected winners.

"People need something new and exciting to entertain them," the oddsmaker explained. "What better to fill the slot than a wave of national tragedies?"

Spokespersons at the U.S. embassy, meanwhile, have used back channels to express "strenuous objections" to oddsmakers' willingness to accept bets on the next U.S. location to be targeted. Speaking for the record, U.S. Homeland Security chief Michael Chernoff said: "It’s just plain tacky. Who, besides Jeb Bush, would want to profit from the suffering of another?"

Despite such objections, secret operatives are obtaining data on all wagers placed on prospective U.S. targets, and U.S. intelligence believes some terrorist might be dumb enough to bet on a bomb they are about to set off.

One covert operative, known only to Robert Novak, said: "Maybe one of the ragheads will leave a note saying 'Honey, the good news is I just made a million bucks. The bad news is I'm dead.'"

U.S. bettors, using the internet, have been eager to join in the action.

"The pro basketball season has finally and mercifully come to an end," said Guy Masters, a noted Detroit bookmaker. "And football season still seems an eternity away. The only baseball action we’re getting is from some guy named Rose, so the bombings are the best thing we have going."

Asked if he had any hot tips, Masters cited New York as an obvious bet, adding, "D.C. is another crowd favorite, but the popular thinking is that the bad guys don’t want to put a president with intelligence into office any sooner than they have to."

California Gov. Arnold Swartzenegger has expressed an official interest in the recent gambling.

"Our ztate is zo ztrapped for cash dat we couldn’t pay to clean up a bumb if one hit," he said fearfully before catching himself and thumping his chest a few times. "If we offer bumb betz troo de lottery, vee could kill two birds wit one ztone."

When asked for his own personal pick, the governor chose San Francisco. "Ders a lot of cleansing needs to be done up der," the governor remarked.

Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta commented that the U.S. was favorably positioned to minimize bombing attacks against public transportation, because there is so little of it here.

"The only U.S. cities with large-scale public transportation, such as New York, Boston, Philly, D.C., Chicago and San Francisco are in blue states. That means that the American heartland is safe, due to our dependence on automobiles. We get the double benefit of higher gas prices and fewer mass killings because most of our people are spread out in traffic jams. Those Brits were really stupid to build all those subways."

Meanwhile, British Prime Minister Tony Blair heaved a sigh of exasperation at all the betting going on in his country.

"You’d think they could just limit their gambling to the total dimensions of tomorrow’s page two girl," he said with a sigh, "but instead they had to get into this."

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