Bush Declares Toy Guns A National Security Threat
                                     by Josh Righter

Once coming under fire only from radical activists who claim they are a bad influence on children, toy guns are now banned from the United States after a direct order from the President yesterday at a press conference.

The banning is in response to an episode that occurred on Thursday, when a U.S. Capitol Office building was forced to shut down after a toy gun, presumably part of a Halloween costume, was run through an X-ray at the building's entrance, tricking White House officials into believing that it was an actual firearm and causing suspicion that there could be dangerous activities involving other guns occurring elsewhere in the capitol.

Although no-one was hurt, President Bush said yesterday that the episode was potentially dangerous.

"Though they are not as dangerous as their real-life counterparts, toy guns are still a very serious threat to national security," Bush said gravely. "A terrorist could've easily snuck into the White House on Thursday, armed with a toy gun, and hit me in the head with it, causing me to have a bruise, and possibly even a lump."

Compounding the threat is the fact that some guns even have reserves built into them to store liquid, such as water, for firing, something that Bush says fills him with "dread and terror".

"What's stopping Osama bin Laden from getting one of these squirt guns -- or 'water pistols', as they are sometimes referred to on the black market -- and squirting me in the eye with it, causing it to sting and burn?" Bush asked fearfully. "Hell, those bastards are crazy enough. They'd do it."

The President went on to speculate that terrorists could theoretically place liquids other than water in the squirt guns, adding to the potential danger.

"Mustard, dish soap, some kind of liquid anthrax -- anything could be put into those damned guns to blind me," Bush said. "Or, they could load it with lighter fluid, soak me, and then quickly light me on fire. Sweet Jesus!"

In light of these revelations, the President issued a firm and immediate ban on any and all toy guns in the country, instructing anyone who owns a toy gun to turn it in to their nearest Gun Depositing Station, booths set up by the government for the purposes of gun collecting.

"Parents, if you or your children have these toy guns, you need to drive down to a station immediately and turn them in, after which you will be arrested for treason and terrorism," Bush instructed.

After pausing a moment, he quickly added, "I mean, rewarded with a lolly."

The President and the rest of the White House are also taking the women who attempting to sneak the guns into the capitol building in the first place very seriously, sending them immediately to death row without a trial, something that is apparently allowed under the Patriot Act.

"God bless that thing," Bush said fondly, referring to the Patriot Act. "I don't know how the hell we got along without it."

In addition to the tough new penalties for those caught possessing toy guns, Tom Ridge, who is in charge of the Office of Homeland Security, will be introducing a new color-coded chart indicating the current threat level of toy guns in the nation.

"You see, green here means a low level, while this shade of mauve indicates that people may be patrolling the streets with those Super Soakers," Ridge explained.

He then sighed and muttered, "I have the most useless job in the entire country."

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