Celebrating Halloween: What Can You Do?
                                     by Josh Righter

Did you know that it's Halloween tomorrow? If not, you need an education on what most modern scholars consider the most important holiday of our modern times. Citizens dress up and pretend to be someone they're not for a day in a bitingly sharp satire of cultures that prize superficiality and false identities. What other holiday is that smart? Memorial Day? You wish, asshole.

- Take traditional Halloween weeks off of work
Most companies will have a clear policy on how long you are permitted to celebrate the Halloween holiday, traditionally believed to begin on the 31st and last sometime until Thanksgiving. Bonus tip: if you are out of vacation time, explain that you are not taking weeks off, but rather Halloweeks.

- Dress up as any character from an influential 19th century play
Retro is in these days, and most people will appreciate your accessible-yet-clever costume choice. If you're concerned about being scary, consider The Enduring Vision's official recommendation: Helene Alving, the troubled widow of the late Captain Alving in Ibsen's Ghosts. Scientifically, nothing is more frightening than pontifications concerning morals in the 1800s.

- Commit self fully to Satan and his glorious army of lost souls and daemons
Like most people, you're undoubtedly celebrating Halloween as a sign of acknowledgement of your close relationship with the Dark Lord. By fully realizing your commitment to the black arts, you can make your Halloween extra-meaningful. Consider animal sacrifice and eating candy that has cartoon characters on the packaging, which are technically false idols.

- Take some time to prepare for Christmas
That's right: the most glorious time of year for Americans who believe in the correct religion is less than two months away right now! Will you ever have your 68 piece nativity display and 2,000 watts' worth of lights set up by then? Not if you don't start now!

- Convince children that Halloween is potentially the most dangerous thing ever created
It's natural for kids to want to enjoy the experience of treat-or-treating and dressing up, but it's your job -- your duty -- to constantly remind them that while it may be all fun and games at first, there's a pretty good chance that they'll be abducted and murdered by the night's end. Ruining your child's costume with large pieces of reflective tape and reminding them that 90% of the candy they get will have needles and syringes in it are both excellent ways to scare the hell out of them...for their own good.

- Be the one jerk who doesn't turn his light on and hates kids
So you didn't feel like spending $2 on a bag of mini-Snickers and handing them out to a few kids in the neighborhood -- big god damned deal. The least the little fuckers could do is realize that your light isn't burned out, it's fucking off. Go away, you little shits. Life isn't about free handouts.

- Dress up as political ads for 2006 midterm elections
Few things are as frightening as mudslinging political ads between two idiots. Try attaching a speaker to yourself and prerecording menacing statements like "Wrong for America" and "Bush's failed war in Iraq". You can also periodically stop and freeze-frame yourself at an awkward moment that makes you appear devious and/or retarded.

- Kill a bunch of people
As the movies have taught us, Halloween is primarily a time in which many people are killed, often in gruesome ways. But in real life, Halloween is often ruined by a dearth of death due to reluctant would-be murderers losing their nerve. Someone has to fill the void, and if you want to go down in history as the next Freddy or Jason, you better start training and get a sinister-yet-wacky backstory.

- Hand out creative treats that inspire children in positive ways
Kids might think they crave the empty calories of tasty Halloween candy, but what would really nurture them is a grab bag of crossword puzzles, word games, and optical illusions! Bonus tip: dress up as "The Gray Matter" when answering the door, and you'll have a great pretext to launch into a little mini-lecture about the importance of keeping your brain fit and healthy.

- Carve a pumpkin
Pumpkin-carving is a great way to celebrate Halloween and express your artistic side at the same time. Plus, you can turn the seeds inside into a tasty treat! Bonus tip: oh yeah, do something funny, throw it at your kid or something, I don't know. I'm not a god damned wind-up toy.

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