Needed: Fine young ladies looking to work for reputable, actual housecleaning surface. Must not mind appearing with purple-suited fedora-wearing boss, being repeatedly pounded by strange men...pounded with housework, I mean. 231-512-1591.

Need a job? I do, too! I also need a friend. Call me up, we'll talk about it. $3.50 an hour. 230-159-1591.

Help Wanted: Person to act as car jack for holding up automobiles. Mine broke and I don't feel like buying another. Must be able to hold up at least one and a half tons, make cranking noises when I pump your arm. $8/hour, no health benefits. 410-154-1401.

Tired of chewing your food? Let me do the work for you. Reasonable rates, extra money required for tough meat. Variety of meal plans available. 249-165-1590.

Wanted: Seed-bearer. Must have a strong desire to carry my baby for nine months. $20/hour, includes fights about who should take the garbage out and you worrying about me coming home from the bar on time. 243-158-5199.

Needed: Crime-fighting sidekick. Wacky behaviour and bad puns required. Will generally not receive credit for accomplishments, but will often save the day anyhow. $2/hour. 248-149-9101.

I have a job, you don't. That's right, I don't need to look at these classifieds, but you do, loser. Move out of your parents' house already! $28.29/hour. 231-921-1591.

Become a guitarist! Fulfill dreams of being a rock star. No talent required, must have strong dislike of high school and possess a stereotypical view of girls. Call Good Charlotte at 291-518-1581.

Needed: Vice President. Would assist me in ruling over my rat servants and general alleyway duties. No pay, will receive 35% of food scraps and booze money. See Happy in the alley behind Luigi's.

Help Wanted: New member of tooth-decay related gang. Must have a strong dislike for shiny, healthy teeth, regular brushing and flossing. Will supply large brown suit. Call Cavity Creeps at 218-134-1491.

Test subject needed! Help us test out the latest generation of brain-enhancing electro-shocks. Help prove the "experts" who say that electro-brain-stimulation is "harmful" and "useless" WRONG! Waiver-signing required, must not have strong affinity for brain in its present state. 401-191-9151.

Be my sneeze-guard! Dive in front of my face when I sneeze, preventing harmful germs from spreading. Face mask not provided, rates negotiable, but no higher than $1/hour. 230-149-1491.

I will work for you! Many skills including plugging headphones into appropriate jacks, wiping crumbs off counter with hand, more. Asking for $2,000/hour. 849-148-1891.

Wanted: Drinking buddy. Must tolerate nonsensical pseudo-philosophical ramblings, slobber, uncomfortably close physical contact. May not be remembered the following day. $281 per hour. 238-149-1894.

Work for me! You'll be very happy in your new position as a new employee for me. Learn valuable skills and finally have that job you always wanted. Close to your home, excellent pay! Call me up and tell me your info!

Help me to help you. Can provide assistance in losing drugs, weight, etc. Will provide helpful slogans like, "You can do better!", "I believe in you!", "The sky is the limit!", "Life is like a box of chocolates!" and other inspirational sayings. Also includes crappy Thomas Kinkade paintings. $14/hour. 148-191-9140.

Wanted: Someone to be the President of a pretty powerful nation. I thought it would be cool at first, but it's totally tougher than I thought, and people are getting mean. $400,000 a year, full benefits, comes with free bombing of nation of your choice. Call "Dubya" at 289-148-1910.