For sale: One penis, rarely used. My husband doesn't seem to know how to operate it, so maybe you'd do a little better. $2, 129-159-1591.

Must go! Teenager looking to sell self-worth, morals. Buyer must not enjoy random anonymous sex, altered states of consciousness. Contact with my parents will void the sale. $100 or the phone number of that one hot guy who looked at me last night. 320-154-0149.

I need to sell these napkins. Some new, some slightly used. May come with bonus food scraps and blood; these come at no additional charge. $45,000 for ten, twenty for $90,000. Call 391-519-1491.

Free to a good home: Three-eyed creature that I found in my basement. He loves to eat cats and is a joy to take care of. Teeth-deflecting armor, stun gun not included. $200 million dollars. 130-123-4591.

Wanted: New material for writing novels. Must not include terrorist plots or world-threatening events that can only be stopped by one man or a small recon team. Desperate, will pay anything. Call T. Clancy at 291-190-1913.

Can I buy your kidneys? Donor list is long and not working out. Let an old man live a few more years in exchange for a difficult adjustment to your own life. Cannot pay you in money, but abundant self-satisfaction is in the deal. 310-518-1591.

Paint drinker needs paint to drink. The store won't let me in there anymore. Any kind acceptable, blue preferred. Call 214-195-1951 and be prepared to repeatedly explain why you are calling and who I am.

Cheap! Extra folds of skin. Skin is coming from my stomach, thighs, but can be used anywhere on your body. Good for skinny people or those who are cold all the time. $9 per square inch, call 391-519-0159.

For sale: One classified ad. I bought it last week, but I don't need it anymore. Only valid for this week, call...oh, wait. Shit.

Needed: Large, flying dog. Will be used for traveling duties and occasionally exacting revenge on mean-spirited bullies. Breed negotiable, dogs named "Falcor" gratefully preferred. Call Atreyu or Bastion at 301-591-5910.

Asking for: One toilet or acceptable toilet substitute for me to pee in. Hurry up, I really have to go. No price too high. Call 429-295-1490.

Needed: One Terminator, like the one in those movies. Wouldn't that be cool, to have your own Terminator? My friends would be like, "Wow, you're awesome, Jimmy!" And then I'd say, "Hasta la vista, losers," and then my Terminator would kill them.

Must sell! One brain tumor. Could be applied to other areas of body, but works best in brain. I don't like it, but maybe you will. All sales final, buyer must not have strong affinity for tumor-less body. $800 OBO, call 519-135-6910.

Looking for: Some way to lose weight. I have tried thinking about it and eating less ice cream and nothing seems to work. Will pay for solution to my problem; solution can not involve exercise, loss of cookies and donuts from diet, surgery. 201-519-1541.

Will you pay me to have sex with you? I'm pretty good and most women say I smell nice. Useful for women who like to have sex or just have extra money to burn. $700/hr. 191-591-1081.

Looking for: Life pinch-hitter. Must be willing to step in for life events I don't want to participate in, such as root canals or my boss yelling at me for being late. Preference for misfortune useful. $2/hr, call 349-5910-1501.

For sale: extra digestive juices. I get hungry again too quickly, so they must go. Must have desire to eat a great deal, provide some way of assimilating my digestive juices into your own body. $9000, call me at 235-259-1590.

Gullible person needed to participate in something that's not a pyramid scheme. Earn big bucks without ever leaving the home! Bring ten friends and get an extra, like, $10,000! Call 1-800-SUCKER1.