Wanted: Someone to shack up with for a few hours. Male or female welcome. Moderate attractiveness desired, not required. Call 241-513-4321.

Please love me. I was thinking about it and I thought it would be a good idea to get married. Must possess a strong desire to get married to me. Ceremonies and cost-splitting negotiable. 239-141-1011.

Looking for: Not a prostitute, but rather a nice girl to date briefly. Will pay you money for completely unrelated things. Must not be involved in the law. $100/hr. Call 230-139-1941.

For sale: me. I feature unconditional love at a fair price. Will put up with messy habits, occasional lie. Infidelity negotiable. Call 210-723-6719.

I hate romantic shit. To be my mate, you must, too. Flowers, candy, love cards all unacceptable. Responding to this ad will be considered a romantic gesture. 248-151-1569.

Free candy. I have candy in my house and you can come and eat it for free. No strings attached, must be beautiful and young and come alone and not have pepper spray or a rape whistle. 414-113-1349.

Punk chick not looking for love. Love is stupid, get over it. I don't feel lonely, and am not crying out for attention. Please don't call me. 230-141-1941.

Looking for: Large, six foot-tall, yellow bird. I saw you once on TV and can't get you out of my head. Please call me, Big. 623-159-1659.

Do you like to kiss strangers? If so, I'm your man! Girls only, multiple girls at one time welcomed and also preferred. Call 391-159-1659.

Make my wife jealous. I need to find out if that cold-hearted bitch still loves me. Will pay top dollar for you to appear to be attracted to me. Eventual giant confrontational fight with my wife required. $1,000/hr. 240-161-1901.

You're all dead and you don't even know it. Government implants are controlling everything you do, every second of the day. Get out while you still can, you meat puppet. $6/hr. OBO. 239-151-6919.

Self for rent. Clean facilities, attractive features. Have featured many tenants before. Rates negotiable, your good health not guaranteed. 294-149-1659.

Needed: Man named Steve. Will accept variations such as Steven, Stevie, and Steve-o. Last name negotiable, but cannot end in "T". Call 184-154-9156.

Nice man seeks sexaholic girl. If you have a problem with having too much sex, I can help. I take lots of Viagra and have a good back. STDs not desired, but tolerable. 931-519-1591.

I can't believe I'm paying for this. I must be one lonely fucker to pay money to take out an ad that probably only a whole bunch of losers will see. Masturbating is better than this. $600. 941-519-1569.

Wanted: Enthusiastic role-player to assume the role of Alf. I will be Willie Tanner, the bossy-yet-seductive middle-aged household owner who is sexually intrigued by the furry alien. Cat-eating required. 240-160-9610.

Sex! Now that I have your attention, please come have sex with me. 410-510-6190.

Let's have classifieds sex! Like cybersex, but takes a lot longer and costs money. Appearance not a factor. 240-156-9150.