For sale: Seven-story mansion with, like, a million fireplaces. Shut up, dude, I'm typing it now! For real. Oh, call 1-800-SMOKE UP. I did, I seriously put that!

Looking to rent: Closet in house. Good for poor person or someone who is the opposite of claustrophobic. Must like the smell of dirty laundry because the hamper is in there. $900/month. 132-151-1413.

Needed: Sexy female roommate to live with me. Must be sexy and willing to put out on a semi-nightly basis. Proficiency with cooking and cleaning preferred. Call 342-132-3514.

One home. Comes with door, some windows, walls. Can be used as shelter from weather or just a place to come back to after being at other places. $5 at 131-521-1519.

Wanted: One or more people to put in a spare home I have. Must be willing to live in home, make it feel useful. $10,000/month. Call 124-245-1345.

Looking for: Houses or houses I can wreck for fun. Will not pay any money, but wrecking services are free. Materials such as large stones and a lighter required. 315-151-1516.

I will kill you in your home. Suicide is a coward's way out. Let me do the dirty work for you. Small fees, reliable work or your next death is free. Call 516-151-6729.

Needed: Small, shitty house to put next to mine to make it look better. Several half-assembled cars to go in driveway optional, but preferred. Will pay $6 million. 515-213-1650.

Exceptionally large pumpkin. Could serve as a home if hollowed out and placed in a cool, dry place. Carving tools not included. $500,000 at 315-156-6191.

Wanted: Exceptionally stupid roommate who pays more than their share because they don't realize it. Spineless people afraid of confrontation also welcomed. Call 513-151-1681.

Looking for: Wall for use inside of house. Prefer green, but other colours will do. Must be able to interface with other walls and withstand weight of second story. Will pay $3. 216-161-6910.

For sale: House of mirrors. Recently given away by circus, barely been used. Great, wacky fun. Map not included, must be able to tolerate lingering vomit smell and some rats. 541-515-1510.

Must go! One home with man in it. His name is Jethro and he won't leave. Must be willing to feed him or he gets violent. Tolerance for late-night liquor store runs preferred. Free OBO. 451-165-1591.

For sale: Homes on Mars! NASA went there, now you can, too! Totally legitimate and legal. $30,000 in advance, no refunds accepted, keep in mind that Mars can be driven to in a car no matter what you've heard. 414-1591-5910.

Large station wagon. It served as my home for many years and is very reliable. Can not drive, but engine compartment can be used for additional storage. $5 or a box of wine. Call the pay phone on the corner of Main Street and I'll probably hear it.

I will be your roommate. I don't have any diseases you should know about, so just stop bugging me about it. Mind your own god damned business. It's not my fault, the girl told me she was clean. 458-519-1591.

Needed: a house. Have no money, job or ambition, but am willing to live in house and stay there for most of the day. TV required, will supply video games. 451-519-1591.