Do You Make The Grade?

Do You Make The Grade?
by Kenton DeAngeli and Josh Righter

See, honey: when I look into your eyes I feel as if the rest of the world falls from around us. All that is left, when I gaze deeply into your soul, are two pools, deeper than the deepest ocean when they are sad; brighter than the brightest star when they are excited; and bluer than pure blue in the electromagnetic spectrum when light reflects from then in just the right manner.

I would like nothing better than to take you in my arms and shower your upturned face with kisses like a soft rain. I want nothing more than to bury you under rose petals and chocolate and bathe you with my tongue.

I have only said this to five other girls in the past week. You should be proud of yourself to have made it this far in my rigorous screening process. You see, it is necessary for me, before embarking on a mid-length relationship with a girl (four to six weeks is my tentative estimate), to ascertain that they meet my high standards. Only the best pass muster and are accepted into the great college of my love. Even fewer matriculate. And only the fewest of the few, only the most special girls, will ever graduate.

Yes, yes, your bosom is bountiful, your lips are full, and you have just the right curves. Many women have those qualities, and although they are certainly prerequisites, they only qualify you at the bottom level. You have all these things, but do you have it? It is indescribable but absolutely necessary. You must have pizzazz; a certain panache, if you will.

As such, if you would kindly complete this short examination, we can get on with the lovemaking (if, of course, you pass).

1. Describe yourself in one word (adjectives preferred).
Note: words such as "dishwasher", "squirrel", "green", or "serial-killer" will result in immediate disqualification

2. We are on a date, and I have forgotten my wallet. After dinner, do you:
A. pay for it yourself?
B. arrange a risky "dine-and-dash" scheme?
C. wash dishes while I lounge outside?
D. get really mad and yell at me?

3. Which of these objects attracts you the most?
A. Newt Gingrich
B. A tractor
C. Kenton
D. A clothes dryer

4. Rate me on a scale of one to ten (numbers larger than ten encouraged).

5. True or false: You are tremendously attracted to me on a physical level, and are willing to express it through frequent sexual acts.

6. True or false: You are human.

7. Take the number of times a year you do not wear underwear and subtract from that number the amount of times you plan to ask how your hair looks on a given date, dividing that number by the cosine of the severity of your mood swings on a scale from one to ten, multiplying by the function tdx/x and partially integrating with respect to x with the lower limit being the number of times you wake up with bad breath in a week and the upper limit being the number of times you can stand me waking up with bad breath in a week.

8. True or false: You would be willing to give up your washing machine and instead wash your clothing on my washboard-like abdominal muscles.

9. Finally, a brief essay:
In 500 words or less, describe your ideal date and how you would be better suited for me than the other suitorettes.

I wish you the best of luck, my precious diamond of light.

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