Enduring Vision Characters Unionize, Demand Severance Packages, Job Security
                                     by Scott Borchert

While the Enduring Vision staff jumps ship, the commentators, contributors and editorial board have managed to form a Union as the EV nears its final chapter, and have demanded appropriate severance packages and compensation for unemployment.

The board of directors of the Enduring Vision could not be reached, but the columnists were very vocal in their displeasure with the business practices of the weeknightly satirical news report.

"What the JESUS HELL FUCK do they think they're doing with our lives, not to mention our FUCKING SHIT?" demanded Pete Dunson, popular EV columnist and personality. "I can't support my un-goddamn-grateful children and STUPID SHIT wife with my PEACHY-FUCKING-PEACH PLANT JOB alone, and I am re-fucking-sponsible for putting shitty food on the table, because THAT'S HOW THE MAN IS AND I WISH I WAS A WOMAN, BUT I'M NOT SO THERE."

Dunson added that he'd be "shitassed" if he didn't get his "holy fuck due" for his years of hard shit labor for the En-god-damn-during Vision.

Others were more passive, but upset and salty nonetheless. Contributor Gerald William Bunson said that his job as "office worker" will pay the rent, but he's not sure how he’ll maintain his mushrooming smack habit, which he used as inspiration for his sporadic column.

"It's like a catch-22," said a crestfallen Bunson. "First you start doing smack because your first experience is amazing and becomes the basis for a classic column that gives you a taste of the good life. Then, you keep doing it again and again, seeking the same kind of rush that made that first article possible, even though the magic is gone. Now they're letting me go, and without as much of a suggestion as to how I could rechannel my daily crack habit into a different creative outlet, because it sure doesn't go over well at my day job. Thanks a lot, EV -- stinking jerks!"

Others were even less confrontational still. Nancy Normal, though she refused to be directly quoted, did hope that EV CEO Josh Righter and his knavery henchman Scott Borchert would see one of her special treats made just for the occasion: cookies in the shape of the acronym EV with a big red-frosting X across each.

"That'll show 'em," she said to fellow protestors.

Meanwhile, columnist Harold Hippie led the group in a meditative "Oooommmmmmmmmmmmm." A drum circle and interpretative dance followed later, which he claimed was intended to freak out the corporate stiffs in the upper levels of the EV, "and totally get them out of their close-minded uptightness and come join us and go dancing and everything will be peaceful and vegetarian," he said.

Even the minor characters made appearances to demand what they feel they were denied, despite years of shame and despair, all in the name of The Enduring Vision. Twins Mitch and Mark Ciara prayed that God would smite the evil editors of the EV, simultaneously saving the paper while driving sharpened crosses through its editors anuses, while John Evans stopped by briefly to deliver a letter, expressing his gratitude for the years of service he was able to give to the beloved Enduring Vision, and suggesting that any decision to stop would be totally okay by him.

Members of the writing staff that had long been assumed to have been kidnapped, deported, relocated or converted into bodiless forms of energy that nonetheless possess a metaphysical soul also made appearances. Though absent for an extended period, Darren Small arrived at the scene and read from a prepared statement: "The fluxom is not of the large elements, or of the condition of our Dick Cheney in the foregrass, but the shoehorn must be flossed to small the other cheese. A goomba we caulk and smell for the brine!"

Master of Ceremonies (Union Leader) was Goth Gary, the most popular and galvanizing columnist for the EV. Having erected a spooky alter with plastic skulls, votive candles and a stuffed black cat, Gary invoked "powerful and ancient" spells on the "poser wannabes at the EV". Using poetry, Goth Gary cast a pox upon the heads of the EV higher-ups:

"Terror, Terror
Make thee no error
A petulant plague on the shirt-and-tie wearer

Years of pain, years of lice
On the EV for not being nice

Spell caster, spell caster, make me a batch
Find me a slime, thatch me a scratch
Suffering will come in the form of a gnome
So make thee a blind, cut me a rind
Send me a match of a crone."

Protests continued on into the night until the ghost of urban correspondent 51 Cent stepped off the podium after an impassioned speech, and was shot to death for a second time in what appeared to be gang-related violence. Witnesses say that 51 Cent’s last words were, "Find the wrongdoers who have done this to me and see to it that they are punished to the furthest extent of the law."

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