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Enduring
Vision Ponders Tribune Company's Offer To Form Merger
by
Scott Borchert
The
staff of the Enduring Vision held an emergency meeting late Friday night
to discuss an offer worth $100 million by the Tribune Company to buy out
the paper, although no final decision has yet been made on the deal.
The media giant, long envious of the extensive readership and influence enjoyed by The Enduring Vision, has been trying to lure the popular satirical news site into its fold for years, though nothing until now has caught the interest of EV CEO Josh Righter until now.
"I never got into this for the money," said Righter previously after turning down $50 million from Clear Channel for naming rights, "because if I was I would have taken that $20 million that CBS offered us years ago to do a live newscast version of the existing format to be aired every Wednesday night at 7:30 PM. No, it's for the love of writing, and I think I'll stick with my day job as David Lynch's personal assistant, because that will guarantee that my $100 a day coke habit won't get out of control."
Righter would not comment on the proceedings of the Friday meeting, but did suggest that he has begun making plans for the private vacation to Columbia that he's always wanted to take but could never afford.
Other EV staff members were also hesitant to answer questions, though assistant editor-in-chief Scott Borchert did have this to say on Friday morning before the shareholders meeting: "$100 million to be split between Josh and I is a lot of money, but once we go corporate, edgy headlines like 'University of Illinois to Replace Dancing Chief Illiniwek With More Accurate Drunken-Indian Mascot' will never be allowed, and we'll be relegated to writing about Anna Nicole Smith and other celebrity gossip. I just don't know if it's worth it."
Righter and Borchert did admit that staying competitive in the satirical market requires more than wit and creativity, and that sometimes corporate backing is needed to remain relevant.
"Ever since The Perplexing Times got that Pepsi endorsement, and [Andy] Borowitz made that commercial for Viagra, we've had to step up our own advertisement campaigns, which is difficult to do out of our own pockets without corporate backing," explained Borchert, speaking for Righter, who could not be heard through the oxygen mask he was using to inhale from a tank of amyl nitrate. "That's not saying that we're locked into a deal with the Tribune, because you'll recall that we turned down that $110 million from Philip Morris."
"All I'm saying," Borchert surmised, "is that some changes are going to have to be made to stay competitive with other bruisers out there like the Buffalo Beast, who just got picked up by CNN, for example."
The Enduring Vision has always been slow to move into the realm of the mainstream media, only recently having gone on-line and bringing to an end its many years of widespread paper circulation. The possibility that the EV could go from rogue satirical vigilante to corporate parrot is disturbing to many fans.
"They'd better not fucking do it, or I'll step up my campaign of writing letters to the editor," said one reader who identified himself only as "acrossthepond". "Man, I'd really stick it to them if they sell out like that -- they'll wish that they were back to the days when it was just me and one other and guy in Pittsburgh who were reading their shit."
Insiders have expressed concern that CEO Righter's cocaine habit and taste for expensive cars may play a major part in the decision-making process. Borchert’s well-documented involvement in a number of paternity suits and suspected connection to the mysterious disappearance of a number of Chicago prostitutes are also disconcerting to fans who fear that the EV staff may use the money from the merger to settle all legal debts and personal issues.
Though the Enduring Vision has promised readers that it will do what is in their best interest, Righter did describe $100 million as "nifty", adding to the speculation that the EV's days as an independent voice are numbered.
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