Feminists Clamor For Non-Segregated Bathrooms

Feminists Clamor For Non-Segregated Bathrooms
by Josh Righter

Few will argue that women's rights have advanced greatly since the days of women's liberation in the 1960's and 1970's. Previously relegated almost exclusively to housewife duties, women have since come a long way, able to attain almost any job their male counterparts can. And though issues such as equal pay remain, many are optimistic for the future.

For some such as Janice Riker and her group the Ferocious Fems, however, this is not nearly good enough.

"For hundreds of years, we have sat back while 'the man' walks all over our rights, dignity, and identity by forcing us to use an entirely different restroom than the males," Riker said heatedly to the media in a demonstration in Berkley, California. "It's time for this oppression to stop."

Unisex bathrooms are exceedingly rare in the United States, with less than 100 existing in the entire country -- a "dire situation" that needs to change immediately, says Riker.

"Just because I don't have a penis, I need to use a separate bathroom?" Riker asked sarcastically. "Just because I don't grow very much hair on my chest, I need to look at a sign telling me which door I'm allowed to go through when I need to empty my bladder? Is this the 21st century or the 5th century?"

The Enduring Vision checked its office calendars, and after confirming them through a number of sources, verified that it is indeed the 21st century.

But despite her confusion as to what century it currently is, Riker and her group clearly have a strong agenda, evidenced by their furious march around Berkley, burning toliet seat covers and holding signs reading, "Though I'm A Ho, I Should Go Where I Go" and "The Right To Pee Is The Right For Me".

"Blacks had their separate bathrooms taken away decades ago," shouted Riker to the confused media. "Why should women be any different?"

Dr. Arnold Schubert, expert in the area of human rights, addressed the group's concerns in an interview, calling them "misplaced".

"What Riker and her peers don't seem to understand is that separate bathrooms actually exist for the personal respect and courtesy of both sexes," he explained. "Many men and women would not prefer that a member of the opposite sex witness them using the bathroom, especially one who is a complete stranger to them."

But Riker, when told Schubert's statement, dismissed it as "male propaganda".

"Courtesy? More like oppressionsy!" she shouted, pumping a fist in the air.

The Enduring Vision consulted several dictionaries and literary experts and concluded that Schubert actually most likely did mean "courtesy", as "oppressionsy" is not actually a word.

Semantics aside, the American populace seemed strangely split about the issue of unisex bathrooms, as our country-wide polls indicated.

"A guy in our bathroom? Wouldn't that mean he could like, see our personal areas?" asked a college girl from Florida, pulling her one-inch skirt down over her upper-thighs self-consciously.

"I'd love to use the same bathroom as the ladies," confided a fraternity brother from Penn State University with a grin, sporting a shirt that said "BEER IS FUCKING GREAT". "I'd be all going to the bathroom, and they'd come in and be all like, 'Wow, sorry,' and I'd be all like, 'No, that's okay, ladies,' and they'd be like, 'Oooh, okay,' and then we'd fuck right there on the floor.

"It would be awesome," he concluded.

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