Finding A Valentine: What Can You Do?

Finding A Valentine: What Can You Do?
by Scott Borchert and Josh Righter

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, but many have yet to find a suitable date for the holiday. The most romantic day of the year should never be spent by a box of Milk Duds, same-sex friends, or internet porn, unless your date is into that stuff, in which case, more power to you, man. Do you want to find love this Valentine's day? Do you want to avoid being a pariah without a date? You won’t if you follow some very simple suggestions:

For Men:

- Sit at a bar alone and brood
Women love a loner, and what better place to announce one’s singleness than at a bar of your choice? You will be much more like Spanish Fly than a barfly if you stare intensely into the mirror behind the bar, sneer at people around you, and drink your beer with both hands, if possible. Bonus tip: consider getting drunk enough to make a loud, violent diatribe against Valentine's Day.

- Quote Shakespeare to every woman you see
Women also love an educated man, and beginning each sentence with the words, "My love is like a red, red rose," is a big step in the right direction. Even though that line is from a Robert Burns poem, most women are stupid, and won’t notice the difference.

- Carry pictures of you shooting things
The era of the "sensitive man" went out with bellbottoms and Vietnam. Today's women prefer a rugged fellow who can kill various animals as quickly and gruesomely as possible. Bonus tip: consider hunting mother animals for easy, sexy bonus kills.

- Give out chocolate and flowers
This inventive, unique gift idea will delight and astound women, who will think, "Now here's a guy who isn't afraid to use his brain."

- Shoot potential targets in the back with bow and arrow
Nobody can resist the powerful pull of cupid's arrow. Beware of shy lovers who will play hard to get by pretending to bleed after being struck by your love projectile.

For Women:

- Watch "Sex in the City" reruns all day before leaving the house
This will give you all that you need to know about picking up guys and being attractive, namely flashing your tits – provided they’ve not yet started to sag – at every guy you find attractive.

- Share an anecdote about your cat
Men love cats, and will be spellbound by stories of Missy, Kissy, Juno, and Mr. Tiki. Note: if you don't have cats, tell stories about taking care of your incontinent grandmother instead.

- Act as manlike as possible
There's nothing men like more than their own kind. Refrain from shaving all bodily hair and wearing make-up, which will only make you look faggoty. Bonus tip: if a man attempts a sexual advance, knock him down and exclaim, "Jesus Christ, I'm not gay!"

- Loudly announce your willingness to swallow
Most men appreciate a woman with a desire to drink a fine wine or sample a high grade caviar, but they won't know of your cultured interests unless you tell them. Also consider professing your enthusiasm for "doing it" (i.e., pursuing the independent cinema).

- Improve your meatloaf-making skills
If you don’t have a man in your life, it must be because you don’t know how to properly make a scrumptious, moist and flavorful meatloaf. Consider taking a class at a local college.

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