Now Is The Time To Invade Canada

Now Is The Time To Invade Canada
by Frank Patriot

America, I have some good news that I'm sure you'll all welcome in these troubled times of liberal fuckery: Canada, our troubled neighbor to the North that likes to get rich off of imitating us and selling medicine to us that is too cheap and lacking in freedom, has fallen. Well, to be more specific, their government has fallen, but I'm sure the country itself won't be far behind. How can a country exist without its government, after all? The answer is, very well, thanks. This isn't some eagle-forsaken socialist column. I would call the FBI on you just for thinking it was, if I didn't know that they were already tracking you under the PATRIOT ACT. In fact, since I know they're tracking me, too, allow me to say, gentlemen, that I humbly submit to you my idea that you can share with the CIA or whoever whenever you next get the chance: with Canada down for the count, I think the time is ripe for a good old U.S. occupation.

America is in trouble, America. That's the simple truth. Liberals are trying for the 867th time to sabotage the war in Iraq by encouraging the terrorists, trying to do things like set withdrawal timetables and questioning our progress, even though we have a timetable and a plan, and the answer to both is "win". They even forced the President to make a speech today about it, America! Can you imagine all of the things President Bush could've been doing with his time instead of trying to reassure the liberals that they are still unpatriotic retards? Golfing at Camp David! Hunting at Camp David! Jogging at Camp David! For the love of Jesus Washington, a few more days of speeches instead of good old-fashioned all-American physical activity and this President will become a full-fledged fat videogame nerd. This is probably the liberals' plan, CIA. I know you probably figured that out already via intelligence, but I just wanted to say it.

President Bush has noticed these and more liberal troubles (making a big deal out of torture, picking on people in the White House like Tom DeLay, etc.), America -- you can be sure of that. And he probably already reached the same conclusion that I did: invading Canada is a great way to fix things. When times get tough at home, it's almost always a great idea to show a little military might and show another country who's boss. I'm sure we'd all still be living in fear from JESUS BLESS OUR RUNNING COLORS SEPTEMBER 11th had President Bush not invaded Iraq. That's the thing that liberals fail to understand: Iraq is not about WMDs or democracy, and it never has been. It's about making things better here at home. It would've worked, too, if it weren't for those meddling hippies.

Besides, there's no denying that Canada is dangerous to us. I have heard from reliable sources that some portions of Canada speak Freedomnch (that's American for "Fr*nch") as their language. I'm sorry if you had kids around when that was on your computer screen, but sometimes you just have to come out and say these things. Needless to say, the world would be a lot better if these Saddam-supporting fruits were out of commission. It's the next best thing we could do next to actually invading France, which we cannot do due to terrible U.N. laws. Hopefully, our government is working on a new classification for France to get around this, so that we can take them to some of the secret prisons that we don't have. Why would we have those, and even if we did, we don't torture there, comrade.

And you know what, America? I think Canada would welcome us as liberators. We'd be bringing freedom and stability to a region long in need of it: North America. They'd finally be able to vote, and we could give them electricity and things like that when they needed it. I'm sure there would be pockets of resistance, but they would quickly fade under our military might. Eventually, we'd win. The terror would be defeated. We'd be safe from everything. Only then would we pull our troops out, and send them over to China.

I know these times seem like they're the end, America. But if we can all just hang on until the first bombs explode outside of Quebec, I'm sure we'll all be unified in our thoughts, and stop talking about things that aren't even important. President Bush, you can go back to Camp David now. You've earned it.

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