Getting Medicinal Marijuana: What Can You Do?
                                     by Josh Righter

The Supreme Court dealt a serious blow to pain-sufferers and hippies who don't know the meaning of "medicinal" yesterday when it ruled that users of medical marijuana, legal in some states, can be federally prosecuted. And although it's still unclear how hard the DEA will come down on users of the drug, some people may want to start planning now for the day when they are unable to get their precious medicine. Check out these THC-riffic tips:

- Consider legal alternative "Medicinal alcohol"
Alcohol may not dull your pain as much as marijuana, and it's more detrimental to your health, and more potentially dangerous to those around you, but the important thing is, it's legal.

- Casually ask son or daughter if they know where you can get some reefers
These days, all kids do drugs, and chances are, yours will tell you where you can get some, too, provided you "play it cool" and don't "bring down the party". Also consider asking: where the "cat's meow" is; where "Joseph and that wacky dreamcoat" can be found; where "can I get some good blow".

- Smoke other plants such as marijuana cousins rhubarb and hemlock
Find an honest botanist who's not just trying to sell you damn flowers, and he or she will tell you that most plants are basically the same. Get around the government's laws by smoking perfectly legal plants that will ease your pain just as well. CAUTION: Smoking poison ivy may sound like a good idea...and it is.

- If caught smoking medicinal marijuana, quickly smoke much much more
Now your trial and possible conviction will be a colorful, fun circus, filled with dancing DEA bears and multicolored serious fines.

- Get better
Although conditions vary from person to person, there's a good chance that you wouldn't hurt as much if you weren't sick or injured. Bonus tip: consider using stem cells to assist in getting better.

- Watch "Reefer Madness"
This frighteningly true-to-life documentary about some good kids turned bad from mariwhana will give you a sobering lesson: if you smoke medicinal marijuana, you will go insane and murder your girlfriend.

- Get a haircut and respectable job
When you start contributing to society instead of laying around all day on top of your long dirty hair listening to Cream, your pain will quickly dissipate.

- Pretend you are still on medicinal marijuana by laughing inappropriately and eating abundantly
Bonus tip: consider using actual medicinal marijuana to enhance your illusion.

- Restrict usage to non-medicinal marijuana
This variety of marijuana, legal to use and possess, may not help you with your pain, but at least you can get stoned out of your mind on it.

- Realize that your personal marijuana use is killing society
Much like gay marriage, private marijuana usage in one's own home is not the "victimless crime" it's made out to be in the media and Hollyweird: statistics show that over four million people died in 2004 alone from people besides themselves smoking marijuana.

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