Getting Your Medicine: What Can You Do?

Getting Your Medicine: What Can You Do?
by Josh Righter

Lately, many women who ask their pharmacists for birth control have been getting a nasty surprise: "No." In an effort to superimpose their beliefs on everyone else, drug store workers across the country have been denying birth control to women and abortion pills to rape victims, causing House and Senate backers to unveil a bill Thursday that would force these renegade workers to perform their jobs. But until that bill passes, how will you get your medicine? The EV has some tips.

- Use alternate contraceptives such as "Coat Hanger Non Drowsy"
Some birth control can be obtained without a pharmacist and are just as effective -- sometimes better! Also consider "The Punch Of A Loved One Extra Strength" and taking a bunch of Alkaseltzer all at once.

- Don't get raped in the first place, jeez
Maybe if you hadn't grown such large breasts the men would stay off you. Idiot.

- Find original Ten Commandments and add "Thou shalt give me my god damned medicine"
Note: because adding an entire new Commandment may draw suspicion, consider writing your new Commandment over top of the current second Commandment, since nobody actually knows what graven images are anyway.

- Tell pharmacist you will bring up any children you have as liberal atheists
If you are not currently an atheist, consider asking yourself why, if there is a God, He or She has not yet killed the pharmacist for you.

- Get job at restaurant, then deny pharmacist dinner
Your "moral objection" for the denial can be the fact that there are thousands of starving children in the United States alone that could better use the food and/or money that the pharmacist was going to spend on the food. If the pharmacist is fat, use the fatness as your objection instead.

- Remind pharmacist that "pharmacist" is only a few letters away from "racist"
While pharmacists currently aren't fired for denying paying customers their doctor-prescribed medicine, they can get into a lot of trouble for being racist.

- Watch "Rosemary's Baby"
This delightful movie about a woman who got pregnant with Satan will make you realize that having your baby after all could enable you to command the legions of Hell to go fuck up that pharmacist's car.

- Play rockin' song "I Ain't Havin' No Baby, Baby!"
Sometime around the 9th guitar solo, the pharmacist will realize, through the power of rock and roll, that giving you your birth control is the only cool thing to do.

- Remind pharmacist of other uses of contraceptives
Just because you're buying birth control pills doesn't necessarily mean you want to control birth -- you could be using them to build a giant crucifix in tribute to the Lord, for example, or as props for your independent film, "Dangerous Pills Of Satan: Why People Shouldn't Take Aspirin".

- Come back next day and proudly announce engagement to interracial homosexual partner
This will cause the pharmacist's head to explode, granting you easy access to your birth control, and maybe some Vicodin.

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