Stop Shoving Christmas Down My Throat
                                     by a concerned atheist

This country's obsession with the Christian religion has gone far enough. When I can't even walk down the street without seeing a god damned nativity scene or Christmas carolers singing songs that mention Bible stories, I know the time has come for me to speak up. It's time for me and millions of other atheists across the nation to reclaim our freedom -- our freedom to make everyone else knock this shit off.

Can you still believe we say "Merry Christmas" in this country? Do you see what that word is made out of? Christmas. Leave it to the right-wing lunatics and President Bush's administration to try and inject Jesus into the holidays and convert us. My kid came home from school the other day (where he said a pledge of allegiance that included the words "under God" -- my lawsuit against the school district and the state and a local church is still pending) with a painting of a Christmas tree and I almost lost my world-weary pompous demeanor in anger for a second there. Jesus Christ, what's next, singing "Jesus Is My Real Dad" and throwing Bibles at me? I'm sick of this shit.

Why should I hear about this stuff that's not even proven to be true anyway? It's all just someone's belief system. I went to see my kid's play the other night about the fairy tales of Mother Goose, and as I sat there I felt grateful that they weren't doing their play on the Bible instead. "Man, the Bible is such a fictional book," I said in disgust to the guy next to me. "It's almost as bad as the lit-up Jesus in front of the mall that I have to pass on my way home sometimes." The poor dude was so brainwashed that he didn't even hear me, and instead said something about watching a play. You got another victim, President Fundie. I hope you're happy.

In our modern times, there is no need for religion anymore. There is a scientific explanation for everything, including Christmas, which should be renamed to Sciencemas. I'm going to start saying that to people from now on. "Merry Sciencemas," I'll say. They'll probably complain that I'm hating on Jesus, but so what? I have a right to say what I want -- the last time I checked, this was still America, not Jesusland, although it's getting damn hard to tell these days. Hell, I'll put up a little science nativity display in my lawn. That'll show them. The ones who aren't totally brainwashed yet, anyway.

Christmas Is On The Verge Of Being Annihilated
                                     by a concerned Christian

There is a war going on right now, and I'm not talking about God's work to turn the Satanists of the Middle East into something respectable. No, this war is happening right here at home, and it's threatening me and the millions of others in the United States' constantly-attacked and persecuted Christian Minority. It's threatening our religion, and our right to worship, and our lives. It's the War On Christmas And Jesus, and, like the Invisible Daemons who are constantly trying to tempt us into bad things, it's everywhere.

It seems like I can't turn on the television anymore without seeing some godless news report about the "holidays". These heathens talk about this Jesus-Blessed time of year with no glowing crosses on the screen, no Bible verses scrawled on their heads, and not even one mention of Christmas. One station shows a movie called "A Christmas Story", but guess what? It's sure not about the miracle that occurred on that night in Bethlehem! No, this movie is about Satanic children wanting presents and visiting Santa (IT'S AN ANAGRAM, PEOPLE) Claus -- in other words, things that Christmas is not about. Each year, as their Christmas gift, I take my children to find women in local hospitals who are having babies without husbands, which means that they are obviously having virgin births. This shows my kids the miracle of Jesus, something that buying them a book or a DVD about the miracle of Jesus just couldn't do.

Above: What an appropriate Christmas news report should look like

Remember, folks: this country was founded as a Christian country, when founding fathers like George Washington and Ronald Reagan decided they didn't want to be a part of Catholic-Atheist England anymore. To deny that heritage is just silly -- as silly as not allowing gigantic crosses and nativity scenes on government property. Excuse me, but when did the idea of having Christian monuments on government property become such a taboo for everyone? Probably about the same time when President Clinton was receiving sexual favors on Christmas in the White House. That, plus distractions such as strangely-spelled alternative holidays like Chawnikaw and Quwanzaa, almost killed Christmas, and now people are trying to finish it off.

In our modern times, we need religion now more than ever. There are things that "science" just can't explain away, like intelligent design and Noah's Ark. Well, I'm not going to be politically correct and sugarcoat the Christian Right anymore. "Merry Jesus Died For You Christmas," I'll say to everyone. They'll probably complain that I'm insulting their Dark Master Satan, but so what? I have a right to say what I want, and since the last time I checked, this was still America, not Jesusland, so it's clear that I still have a lot left to say. Heck, I'll put up a little nativity display in my lawn and in front of my grocery store and the traffic light by my house. That'll show them. The ones who aren't totally brainwashed yet, anyway.

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