Gas Prices Are Getting Too High For Me
                                     by Thomas Poor

Two dollars. Two dollars a gallon is what it costs to fill my tank these days. That's almost $25 -- and I have a fuel efficient car.

My son wants to know why I can't ever drive him to his soccer games, and why sometimes when we're out on the road we have to park while Daddy gets the hose out of the trunk and does his special sucking magic trick on some other parked car. Yes, it is a pretty neat trick for a four year old to see, and I do get a somewhat pleasant nausea out of the fumes. But these are secondary reasons for doing it. The fact is, gas is just too damn expensive these days.

People are still buying SUVs -- why? For the same amount of money, they could buy a remarkably fuel efficient car. Maybe the extra money they'd save every month on gas prices doesn't make a difference to them. In that case, they should give it to me, because I have at least four major operations I need in order to continue at my job. Even if I get them, at this rate my family will be in poverty for the next 6,000 years, or until the Democrats get back into power again. Whichever comes first.

It's getting so that I work the first two or three hours of my day just to make back the money I spent driving there. That's no way to live. I need these gas prices to come down, because if they don't, I'm completely screwed.

Why do we still use a gasoline engine, anyway?

Gas Prices Are Getting Too High For Me
                                     by Harswil Manchester III, Esquire

Jibsley informed me this morning through a silk note -- which is quite simply a note written on fine silk -- that gasoline petrol prices have reached a high of $1.99 a gallon recently, which is the highest they've been since June. June! I thought I may have misread the note, so I quickly grabbed a high-powered neutron microscope and poured over the ink particle by particle. Sure enough, it was true.

You can imagine, I'm sure, how I nearly choked to the very death on my poached dodo egg, and embarrassingly yet frighteningly fell into a near-fatal coughing spell that left me bed-ridden for the next 9 hours. Yet I am grateful for my current state of bed-dom, for with gasoline at such astronomical prices, I shan't be requesting a motorcarriage ride anywhere soon!

Please don't misunderstand my complaints to mean that I am too poor to afford gasoline, because such a misunderstanding would cause me to laugh so forcefully that I could risk an embolism in my brains! Indeed, I could easily afford $100,000 a gallon gas, and even occasionally wish for such prices, if only to clear the roads from noise and violence. No, my griping is purely social. It is simply proper for a citizen to complain of petrol prices when they are high. When having callers over for rare biscuits made from an unidentified Martian substance, high gasoline prices is one of the most appropriate topics to broach. And even though the callers all may have been driven over in separate cars, they will shake their heads in dismay and wholeheartedly agree that the gasoline situation is entirely out of hand, although they actually are quite comfortable with it. It is simply a social grace!

I do not believe that anyone actually cannot pay for their gasoline, no matter what the price. After all, they should have planned for such costs at the time of their automobile's purchase! No, the vast majority of gasoline price complaints come from gentlemen like myself, who are perfectly content with whatever the Federal Government sets the price to, yet protest it anyway in order to fill proper conversation. Those poor enough to make a more serious sort of complaint are likely too stupid to know how to properly speak.

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