EV Exclusive: Interview With Prince Harry
                                      by Jake Novak

Just days after he was caught wearing a Nazi officer's uniform at a costume party, Britain's Prince Harry sat down with me for an exclusive interview.

Jake Novak: Your Highness, thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview in the midst of all this controversy.

Prince Harry: What are you talking about?

JN: Well, you know the whole Nazi uniform in public, the tabloid covers, the written apology...

PH: Oh, that... well, if there's one thing both my parents have taught me, it's this: don't believe all the things you read in the papers.

JN: Wait a minute... are you, in fact, denying the reports that you wore a Nazi uniform to a party?

PH: No, I'm denying the reports that I apologized. You have to read the statement clearly, it said "If I offended anyone, I'm sorry", and since I still haven't personally met anyone who was offended, I haven't had to be sorry yet.

JN: Interesting approach. Well, sorry or not, may I ask what was going through your head when you chose the Nazi costume?

PH: Yes.

JN: Yes, what?

PH: Yes, you may ask me what I was thinking when I chose the Nazi costume.

JN: I just did... well what were you thinking?

PH: Well, I suppose I could just write the whole thing off to the usual things you hear about me and Royal family. You know like, "I was just being a silly kid," "I haven't recovered since the death of me mum," "My whole family is a bunch of in-bred half-wits," you know -- the usual stuff. And that's all still true, but I have to admit I put a lot of thought in not only wearing that costume, but just about everything I wear and do publicly, I have to.

JN: You did this on purpose?

PH: Absolutely! And I had lots of good reasons. First, there's a lot of talk about me not being ready for military service. So, I knew that wearing a uniform from one of the most fear-invoking armies of all times would nip that argument right in the bud. Second, I'm about as sick of the paparazzi as I can be, so I knew that wearing a Nazi armband would scare them off forever! And finally, it was still a party, and nothing gets the hot French chicks hot for you like coming to an event dressed like a Nazi.

JN: But your Highness, none of that actually resulted from this stunt. There are now, in fact, louder cries against your joining the military, and the paparazzi are hounding you more than ever before!

PH: Really? Well, I can tell you it did still work with the French girls, so I'm still one-for-three.

JN: Great... how has your father reacted to this? There are reports that Prince Charles has ordered you to visit the Nazi death camp Auschwitz so you can get a first-hand look at the brutality.

PH: Well, that's true. I was actually keen on going too, but then they told me I couldn't work there as a guard. Of course, there are so many better ways for me to be punished and Daddy's done it before. I mean, if you want to truly scare a rebellious young royal straight, make him pay a visit to Aunt Fergie's bathroom for a few minutes. I guarantee you the things you'll see there are a much greater testament to man's inhumanity to man than any Nazi death camp!

JN: I'll admit you've painted a frightening picture in my mind. But what do you think will be the long-term results of all this?

PH: Well, I hope that it will blow over. The British people, and moreover, the whole world needs to understand that I worked very hard to get where I am. So, they should realize that I wouldn't throw being a Prince away for nothing.

JN: But your position is hereditary, you've done absolutely nothing to, as you say,"get where you are today."

PH: I don't follow you.

JN: Apparently not. Well, one final question: what will you do next?

PH: Well, that's really the toughest question yet. I guess I could dress up like Saddam Hussein the next time the family gets invited to #10 Downing Street, or maybe prance about like Osama bin Laden in a turban get-up. But I must say I fancy going to one of those anti-American rallies or maybe attending a barbeque to support imprisoned IRA terrorists. I have so many choices, and that's what I mean by how hard it is to be a Prince.

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