EV Exclusive: Transcript Of Lauer/Vader Interview
                                      by Jake Novak

(The following is a transcript of Matt Lauer's controversial interview with Lord Darth Vader from Wednesday's "Today" show:)

MATT: With the Clone Wars finally coming to an end, and the establishment of our new Galactic Empire, Emperor Palpatine has appointed Lord Darth Vader as his right hand man to help to keep peace and order throughout the galaxy. But who is Darth Vader? Where does he come from? And is there a special lady in his life? The latest dark lord of the Sith has agreed to sit down with us here on "Today" for an exclusive interview. Lord Vader, thank you for coming.

VADER: The Emperor ordered me to come, I must obey my master.

MATT: Well, great! Anyway, I notice you seem to have a breathing problem. Were you born with that or is it the result of some kind of injury?

VADER: The details of my personal life are insignificant next to the challenges facing the new empire.

MATT: Uh, okay, I'll try to steer clear of the personal stuff, but I thought we agreed we could talk a little about you.

VADER: Perhaps you feel you have been treated unfairly?

MATT: No, no, I'm sorry. (Whispered: This deal is getting worse all the time)

VADER: Good! It would be a shame if I had to set up a garrison here.

MATT: I promise, no personal stuff.

VADER: Don't fail me again.

MATT: No. Well, let's get to politics then. Emperor Palpatine seems to have strong support in the Senate now, but inevitably political squabbles will arise.

VADER: Leave that to me.

MATT: You mean you intend to work out political differences between the senators diplomatically?

VADER: I intend to find new ways to motivate them. But if "diplomatically" is the word you wish to use, then so be it. The emperor is not as forgiving as I am.

MATT: A question about the Jedi: their treasonous behavior at the end of the clone wars was a shock to many, but how was the emperor able to defeat them?

VADER: Matt, you don't know the power of the dark side.

MATT: But I do have friends who have been helped by the Jedi in the past...

VADER: Matt! Matt. Matt Matt. I find your lack of faith disturbing, Matt.

MATT: I'm not sure I know what you mean...

VADER: Don't make me destroy you, Matt.

MATT: So, the conflict in the Force, is that all gobbledygook?

VADER: Matt, there is no conflict. The Jedi were dangerous, mind-altering agents. There are ways of handling problems, Matt, so that we don't end up with senseless violence.

MATT: But what about the good the Jedi did through the generations?

VADER: You don't even know what the Force is! You have to train for years, have the most serious commitment, and that is what I have done. You don't know the history of the Jedi, I do.

MATT: We could go around in circles on this for hours...

VADER: Yes, it is useless to resist.

MATT: I will not fight you.

VADER: Your thoughts betray you... your feelings are strong... especially for... Katie. If you will not be turned to the dark side, then perhaps she will.

MATT: Sorry, Katie's on another long vacation cleaning herself out for her next televised colonoscopy.

VADER: She's as clumsy as she is stupid.

MATT: Well I think we can agree on that!

VADER: Still, I sense much fear in you.

MATT: Our ratings have been pretty weak, "Good Morning America" is nipping at our heels.

VADER: Then now is the time to release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy them.

MATT: Yeah, the whole hatred thing is definitely working for FOX News.

VADER: That's where I'm going next.

MATT: Can't you get out of that?

VADER: It is too late for me, Matt.

MATT: Well, I'm not sure about that but we are out of time. Thanks again for appearing with us.

Email This Story | Comment On This Article | Back To Archives

 

Search Archives