Iraq Destroys Missiles; Bush: "I Don't Give A Shit"

Iraq Destroys Missiles; Bush: "I Don't Give A Shit"
by Josh Righter

This past Saturday, Iraq destroyed four of its Al Samoud 2 missiles, according to a top U.N. inspections official, a move seen by many as the beginning of a long-sought-after Iraqi compliance with the U.N. mandate to disarm.

But "many" apparently does not include President George W. Bush, as evidenced by a press conference held just hours after the announcement of the missiles' destruction.

"Yes, I have heard of Iraq's destruction of their missiles," Bush stated to a group of press comprised of over 500. "And I will repeat for you now what I said to [Vice-president] Dick [Cheney] when we heard the news out in the car on a beer run: I don't give a ding dang shit."

According to Bush, the destruction of the missiles is a mere "trick" designed to fool the United States.

"Let me give you a little example here," he said, furrowing his brow intently. "Suppose I have three missile-shaped apples, and you want me to get rid of them instead of attacking me and stealing them, because your name is the UN and you're a pansy-ass nancy boy."

"So," he continued, "I smash them to bits. Sounds good, right? Wrong. Because now there's apple crumbs and seeds all over the place, and somebody's got to clean that up."

"That somebody," Bush added grimly, "is the United States of America. And we are not here to sweep apple crumbs into a dustpan."

Bush also postulated that the missiles may not have been destroyed at all.

"Let's think about who told us the missiles were destroyed: some guy working for the UN, which is short for the United Nerds," Bush explained. "Now, why would these people tell us the truth? All they want to do is protect Iraq and have sex with Saddam Hussein. The only people we're trusting is our C.I.A. operatives, who are honest Christians."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair echoed Bush's sentiments in a later statement of his own via satellite.

"The Iraqis will try as many tricks as possible to make us think they are disarming," he said. "Today they might destroy a few missiles, and tomorrow a few, until they eventually have none left. But when that day came, and everybody said, 'Oh, thank you Iraq, for destroying all of your missiles,' they would suddenly attack the entire world with the missiles that we thought were destroyed but were secretly not."

Blair then looked off-camera and said, "Is that enough for the money?"

However, many other countries, such as Russia, feel differently.

"Maybe I am just strange, but Iraq destroying some of its missiles did not make me angry, as it did President Bush and Prime Minister Blair," said Russia's foreign minister. "In fact, I was happy. About the missiles being gone, I mean."

In addition, the UN has reported that they have been meeting with Iraqi scientists for the past few weeks to discuss their weapons and warfare technologies, despite reports to the contrary from U.S. officials.

"The UN is lying," Attorney General John Ashcroft said simply. "Iraqi scientists never speak to anyone, and if any do, they are eaten by savage pigs like in that movie 'Hannibal'. Also, Saddam Hussein cuts the top of their head off and makes them eat portions of their own brains. We have DVD footage of this occurring."

Ashcroft added in a thoughtful tone, "With his mustache shaved, Saddam really looks a lot like Anthony Hopkins."

But Bush remains firm in his belief that Iraq is "just playing games."

"If Saddam wants to play a game of chess with me, well, that's fine and dandy," he said, a glimmer in his eye. "He tried to play with my daddy, and it came out a draw. But I think I'm a stronger player."

"Now," Bush said, staring straight into a television camera, "king me, Saddam."

Note: This story is based on an actual news article. For maximum satirical value as well as furthering your knowledge of current events, we recommend viewing it.

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