Johnny Carson's First Posthumous Monologue
                                     by Jake Novak

Having made an apparently smooth transition to the afterlife, the late Johnny Carson, master of late night ceremonies on The Tonight Show for over 700 years, is back already, cracking wise from beyond the grave. The EV was able to secure a copy of his first posthumous monologue, and we bring it to you now.

"Well, first I wanted to thank the news media for all the kind words that have been said about me and my career over the last few days. I haven't seen such sucking up since I spent a weekend in one of Bernie Kerik's secret apartments.

A number of you are probably wondering why I stayed out of the public eye after I retired. Well, with the weather disasters we kept having in California, I figured I'd better stay inside. Oh, you didn't like that one, huh? And they say you can't hurt a ghost's feelings.

My time in Heaven has been pretty good so far. But I have to say, when I got here I thought I may have gone to the wrong place because the first person I saw was one of my ex-wife's divorce lawyers!

The angels are being so nice, answering all the age-old questions for me like: 'Is there a God?' 'Who killed Kennedy?' and 'How the Hell is Jay Leno getting such good ratings?'

You know, my passing marks the end of era. I was the last of the old-time radio comics to break into TV. The last of the clean comedians to make it big. And the last reason why anybody had to pretend to respect Doc Severinsen.

Now, I know a lot of you are wondering what I would say about all the huge events that have happened since I retired; the Monica Lewinsky scandal, 9/11, the fact that Ed McMahon found some 29-year old to marry him. I know these events have divided and angered the nation, but I can tell you there is a solution: blame the French.

But seriously folks, I hope people will learn something from the circumstances of my death. I was a heavy smoker for many years, and that can keep you from leading a healthy long life, playing sports, and getting into any decent bar and restaurant in Los Angeles.

In closing, I'd like to remind all of you that comedy is not dead. So stay up late and watch David Letterman, go to a comedy club, or re-read the transcript of President Bush's latest press conference... whatever you do, just try and laugh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to grab some lunch before Orson Welles hogs all the egg salad at the buffet again."

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