Me > The Enduring Vision

Me > The Enduring Vision
by Josh Righter

Long ago, I established that I was better than the entire staff of the website "I Hate You". I can not link to that website directly, because it no longer exists. Gee, that's funny, considering that I do still exist. GUESS I WAS RIGHT.

But enough about me being right. No, actually. Not enough. More about me being right. Because there is something else that I need to establish that I am better than. It's a little website called The Enduring Vision, and it's time for me to, figuratively speaking, hump it -- not sexually, but in a manner of dominance, as a fierce male dog might do to a lesser dog.

Yes, I did start The Enduring Vision five years ago, so you might be asking yourself: "Josh, how can you be better than something you created?" And believe me, that's a good question. Can something that reproduces asexually by budding be better than the bud of itself it created? Probably. Similarly, I can be better than The Enduring Vision even though I created it, especially since my beautifully sculpted asexual bud has since been diluted by staff members. These are people who are not me who write EV material when I am off being too awesome to do it myself. But now, the time has come to prove myself to them and anyone else who doesn't think I am much, much better. Now, I will hump each and every one of them.

Staff member: Scott Wagner

Reasons why I am better than him:

1.) He is un-American

Look at that map! Look at it! Now, I can't see it all that well, but I can sure as hell see one thing: that is not a map of America. I can only deduce from this, therefore, that Scott hates America. Since America is the greatest country in the world, and Scott hates it, he must not be great at all. But guess who is great?

That's right, Osama Scott Hussein. I love America so much that I built a statue of myself and gave it to the French to give to America to display in New York -- and France is still stupid. Looks like the Better Meter is already swinging my way, comrade.

2.) He dresses up like a fruity vampire

Well la-de-da, don't you look dolled-up, Scott! I hope you felt nice and pretty putting on that black lipstick and eyeliner, because it just cost you most of your last hopes of being better than me. There is really only one appropriate time when you should be dressing up like a vampire, and that is if you are preparing for a blood meal. Amount of blood meals present in the photo? Zero. Chalk up another point for me.

I almost feel bad for Scott comparing his shamefully silly costume with my incredibly awesome one, but I feel I really need to drive this point home. Comparing our two outfits, it becomes clear that Scott is just too flamboyant for his own good, while my greatness shines through.

3.) He has no chest support

I have heard from reliable sources that Scott can not own kittens, because they are apt to play with his deflated, sagging breasts. Now, not everyone can be blessed with a firm, perky chest, but there are support options out there that Scott, for whatever reason, cannot be bothered with. Taking pride in one's personal appearance matters a great deal in life, and Scott is strapped with two dangling nails in the coffin of his greatness.

Could I nurse a child with my breasts? No. I am too man-filled. But does it look like I could? You can bet Scott's two teardrops of flesh it does. A little support goes a long way, and in this case, the long way that it's going towards is me being better. Scott is finished.

Staff member: Scott Borchert

Reasons why I am better than him:

1.) He has pins coming out of his skull

I will admit that I don't have any actual pictures of Scott Borchert. All I have to go on is how he writes and speaks to me, and how I attempted to psychically draw him on my Etch-A-Sketch one night. And from the way he probably constantly talks about pins and sewing and his head containing a giant magnet, I can only conclude that there are over 50 pins embedded in his brain. Now, I'm not making any judgments against pinheads, here, but wouldn't you agree that someone who did not have any pieces of nerd-like metal in their heads would be better than someone who did?

That person is me. I have no pins in my head, and therefore am capable of processing much more information, because my brain does not have to work about spokes of metal. In most pictures of me, including the one above, you can tell that I am usually about to say something very witty, or am thinking of ways to be even more awesome. This is partially because there are no pins in my brain.

2.) He has the same name as someone else

Why, who is that in the above picture? It's someone named Scott, so it must be who we're talking about! These are the kinds of mistakes people make when you are frankly stupid enough to be named exactly like another person. Worse, I still can't be sure that Scott Borchert did not steal the identity of Scott Wagner, which would mean that I actually only have one Scott writing for the site, instead of two. All of this stems from Scott Borchert irritatingly choosing a common name that isn't even very fantastic to begin with.

Being named Josh, on the other hand, guarantees that I am completely unique. There may be some people who claim to be me because they would like some of the privileges that my greatness would bring them, but there has never been anyone who claims to be named Josh and is not trying to be me. That's how great my name is.

3.) His movies share a name with a Pat Benatar album

I've done some research on Scott Borchert, just as I give a background check to all prospective Enduring Vision writers and readers before they are allowed to see the site. I know that he has been in a series of films called "Hellraiser". I also know that Pat Benatar, who was recently banned from ever singing again in over 45 countries, has an album with that same name. Now, I'm not saying that Scott Borchert forced Pat Benatar to name her album after his strange movies, but it does make you think.

By contrast, my film debut -- 1956's "Reach For The Sky" -- shares a name with Ratt's debut album, widely considered to be the finest of all the Ratt albums. Once again, Scott is outclassed.

Staff member: Michael Less

Reason why I am better than him: His damn, dirty pseudonym

We cannot go any further with "Michael". Anyone who is not open enough to give their actual name cannot rightly receive an actual report as to why someone else is better than them. Besides, all I would have to do would be say my real, non-fake name over and over again. Onward!

Staff member: Jake Novak

Reasons why I am better than him:

1.) His brain has long been frozen over

Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing really wrong with disgustingly smooth, shiny bald heads. In fact, there have been people who became moderately successful without hair, including Dick Cheney, and a serial killer I once saw on the news. But sadly, people without hair run the risk of their brains freezing, a condition that occurs when one eats ice cream too fast and there is no hair on the head to rapidly warm the brain back up again. Jake enjoys ice cream, and now, as a result, he also enjoys Teletubbies.

Bad news for Jake: this is the shortest my hair has ever been, and it is still luxuriously long. If anything, it keeps my brain too warm while I eat ice cream. Just kidding, it doesn't. It's perfect. I was just trying to make Jake feel a little better.

2.) He lives in New York

New York City is good for approximately one thing: having the biggest most extravagant McDonald's in America. Hey, thanks, Jake! You and your precious city are causing this country to be obese. I saw it all in that Supersize Me movie. Jake was there, laughing in the background, as that poor man just got fatter and fatter. Laugh at this, Jake: the "S" in that sign is burned out. This is the hallmark of a terrible city.

Here's a shot of my house. In case you couldn't tell because you've gone blind with type two diabetes, it's the Batcave. There are no McDonald's restaurants in the Batcave, because I am too busy driving cars around in blue light to bother with that kind of stuff. And if I did want a McDonald's in there, Alfred would run it, and no lights would go out in the sign. New York and Jake just can't compete.

3.) He works for CNN

CNN is probably the worst company in the world. Its main rival, Haliburton, constantly gets more contracts for building things, leaving CNN scrambling to feed on the scraps of its secondary purpose, news reporting. In fact, if it weren't for the news, CNN would probably be out of business by now.

Meanwhile, I write for The Enduring Vision, which gets contracts for nation-building all the time and reports pertinent news. The EV also routinely beats Fox News in the ratings, which is more than CNN can muster. This would be sad for Jake if it wasn't so awesome for me.

For five years, I have grappled with the problem of proving myself better than the website I created. And now, thanks to the staff members who make the site what it is today, I have my answer: attack the staff members. Attack and win. That humping was on me, boys. The next one's going to cost you.

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