Our summer hiatus means three weeks' worth of letters this week! Stay tuned to find out if I actually answered them all, or if I just started copying and pasting random sentences from CNN by the end.

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hello ,
my name is irene and im wanting to get in show biz. - irene

Josh: This letter will guarantee you a three picture deal at most respectable movie studios.

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...But it was too late. Suddenly little Timmy understood why bert asked him to sprinkle tobasco sause on his head. - SGT Nathan Tongier

Josh: This sounds like the caption to a bad Far Side comic.

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Mr. Righter,
I wish to protest volubly at the representation of our fair isle and its inhabitants by your employee or helot Mr. Less in his "Bomb Blast" article. In England, we have Page Three girls. Page Two is host most generally in the tabloids to home news, politics, and concise if repugnant editorial. We are, however, most accurately portrayed as a series of charmless cockneys.
I hope that your research department will be suitably punished for sullying the good if vaguely unknown name of your charming site. - Mr Stillingar og Yfirvegunar

Josh: Wait, you're really from Britain? Say something from Monty Python! Hahah, Spanish Inquisition. PS - I am giving Michael Less a screwdriver in the arm as we speak.

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You took mine out of context!BUt it was good anyway! - sora_motk

Josh: I have no idea what's going on here.

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you are an ass hole man, you are fucked up go to hell bitch - kiki

Josh: See, I think there's potential with your idea, but I think Asshole Man would need a little more backstory than just being fucked up. Submit again in six to eight weeks.

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FAG MUNCH
IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS
IM GONNA RAPE YOUR MOTHER AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR DAD (ITS NOT RAPE CUZ HE LIKES IT UP THE ASS BIACH)
THEN IM GONNA TAPE IT AND MAKE U WATCH IT AS I CUM IN YOUR MOUTH AND TEACH YOU ABOUT GOD - Your dear DEAR friend Mike Caira

Josh: The last sentence of this letter is seriously funnier than 99% of everything I've ever written. Mike (who is indeed our dear friend), if you're reading, please submit a character editorial based on yourself. Please.

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about your little "if you think you are gothic" thing. you're right. i'm tired of whiney little faths. they make me sick and make goths really look bad. don't goths just WANT to be different and not care what other people say about them? some people have been calling me goth and i don't even wear the clothes or makeup(i hate makeup) to be a gothic. i don't think i am but they do. that is why i came here to see if i really am a gothic. I SAY NEY!!! - melanie

Josh: Melanie, after analyzing your letter, I'm happy to report that you are only 31% goth. Enjoy your new purposeful, direction-filled life!

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LOL you're an idiot. - [name eaten by our letter form]

Josh: Nope. Owned.

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I really must apologize for the highly critical e-mail I sent you after you started running weekly comics. I just saw a comic of yours on ihateyou.tk that was much, much worse. Now I realise that here lies the good stuff. And by the way, Yes! I am drunk! - Pete

Josh: That's okay, I think I was also drunk when I made that comic.

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That article about God hating Boy Scouts was just outrageous! How can God hate an organization that prays, serves and spends time alone in the woods with large numbers of same sex, hormonally driven teens and their adult male Leaders? All wearing short pants showing their muscled calves and tight behinds as they bend over the camp fire, singing songs and roasting marshmallows. Wait a minute...that does sound kind of queer doesn't it? - Semper Paratus

Josh: Now wait just a second, fella. If you're trying to say there's something gay about a delicious roasted marshmellow, I've got a bone to pick with you.

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this website is crab! its just a story. you arent going to hell for reading it or watching it! homosexuallity has enough problems as it is. so give it up you prat! - unknown

Josh: When I eventually get around to making a section filled with comments about the site from readers, "this website is crab" will be near the top of the list.

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here is a funny picture:
http://tinypic.com/9sw96h.jpg - Jessie Refreshie

Josh: Moderately funny, Jessie, but also unfortunately very old. Nonetheless, thanks for the thought.

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You are a fucking moron!! Get a life and write something that is really interesting and educational. You must be a useless democrat. - Diego Flores

Josh: Nice try, but I'm actually a useless independent according to my voter registration card. YOU LOSE.

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This Gothic/Wicca stuff is bullshit. There is only one God, and he does NOT tolerate witchcraft. The ideas of these "gods" being attracted to light, and staying interested in ryming, is all fake! Wica is another way of saying you are too obsessed with teenage problems and angry at your parents. Try listening and understanding your parents sometime and try attending one church service....you may just find out that it is something you like. Im not saying you have to believe, Im just asking that you give it a try. - HolyMan12

God: Nice try, but I actually think witchcraft is pretty neat. YOU LOSE.

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It's about the Cape story. Thing. Well, the fourth thing you can choose in EV specials, ok? Yeah, err, I was afraid to see the next page cause I thought there'd be a crazy photo or naked people. In this case the first one. BUT, nice storyboard. *cough* I just found this site yesterday and I think it's hilarious. Hopefully you guys don't mind if I take all your photos, stories, comments, etc. Just kidding. And, I should stop talking because I've said what I wanted to, but what the hell?

Once there was a girl named Sally. She ate old cheese and suffered a horrible death. When her parents and loved ones came to the funeral, Sally's coffin slipped and rolled over all of them. They were all dead. Then President Bush made a bill to make all deaths confidential. So nobody knew who died. The end. - Billy

Josh: Thanks for your informative story about Sally, Billy, and also your compliments! My only regret with the two EV Adventures is that I compressed the hell out of them, because back then we had to worry immensely about our storage space. And now I don't have the originals to redo them. Damn.

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[RE: "Concerned Alabama County Protests Against 'Dangerous Punk Rocker' Avril Lavigne" - Ed.] Comparing a beautiful woman, who sings upbeat learics, which are warmly put together, or emotionally driven to the devil is one of the most rediculous things I have ever heard. She has never promoted anything like what you people are insinuating. Seems to me you are labeling her simply because of the title "punk" which she doesn't even really call herself. I don't expect you to pick up a CD and change your opinions, because from the article I read they are all biased and misplaced. If you are looking to cause shit and don't have much to do why don't you fight amongst yourselves and talk about each other, I am sure you put plenty of knives in the backs of your friends from guessing the psycology of those who would be involved in an organization like the one I just read about. ps.to the vast majority of the world who know her your organization looks like nothing more than a group of rediculous extremist. - joe shelley

Josh: Wow, we're an organization now! The EV is going places!

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I totally remember original Doritos! I just did a search for them and your site came up. They were just plain, there was no flavor, it was a plain corn chip flavor and it ROCKED! I miss them, they were great with salsa and whip Tostito's ass all over the road! I wish they would bring them back, I hate using the Doritos they have now for dipping, all that extra flavor they add to the chips ruins everything.... - SeanT

Josh: I really can't believe the life that this Original Doritos saga has taken on. I should take advantage of it and turn The EV into an Original Doritos nostalgia site. PS - I like the "Cooler Ranch" flavor, don't hate me!

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Damn you, Enduring Vision!
Damn you AND your ass!

So uh, it'd be great if you could update.. you know, so I could have something to do with my life other than making fun of people cooler than me. - Woot Master

Josh: Now wait just a second, fella. You leave this website's ass out of your complaints. You got no beef with it.

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WWW.HAKAN.COM.TR - HAKAN

Josh: I clicked on this link with some trepidation, fearing the worst. What I got was a website selling industrial piping. The satirical website business is a strange one.

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[RE: "New Nostradomus Texts Reveal Other Tragedies" - Ed.] its a hoax i have read almost everyone of nostradomus' qua trains and never des he speak like he does in this whom ever told the creature of this site this is lieing it is a hoax plan a simple - kenneth

Josh: Actually, we dug these new scrolls up during one of our archeological digs to... you know, wherever it was that Nostradomus lived. For real, kenneth.

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hi.. well all i want to say is this: gothic world has nothing to do with trendy clothes,makups,or dark pasts... actually a person doesn't become Goth! if you're gothic, you're gothic since you've born... in your shildhood ppl around maynot notice you're differente though... but u are and u know it, u feel it, u see things in a different way. U may not know why,but in time u discover it...u dont have to own yourself a tragic and dark past to be Goth. Cause to a goth every and each litter thing in their lives has something dark and deeply emotional.. it's the way u see things around you, it's the way u act with ppl, with life, it's the way u feel.. cause clothes,makups, etc are just little things that show up the person inside.. nothinhg less, nothing more..gothic is personality, it's a different way to see the world around...I dont have much words to discribe what is Goth, cause it's very abstract and subjective but if you go and see the traditional Goth world you'll!
see, it has nothing to do with this New Goth World we see these days...not at all.. u're right about something, many ppl just pretend to be goth, other ones try to be.. in vain.. I'm not saying I am a real gothic person, actually I'm not even saying I'm goth.. I am what and who I am.. what ppl think I am, what they want to call me... well that's up to them...I dont care but.. I just want to let this clear to u and to everyone who may see my comment... There's a difference between being Dark and being Gothic and Goth has nothing to do with clothes, fashion, religion etc.... Goth is Soul, Personality, feelings, visions... and much more... thanks - Pluma Nigra

Josh: This letter has too much effort in it for me to make a joke about it without feeling bad, so I'm just going to run away.

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You've been gone so long I've taken to reading my news at CNN.com. They're not nearly as funny but they've got better pictures. On the otherhand, I guess they ARE as funny. Who needs you then? Opps, I've got to go. That new sitcom Nancy Grace is coming on. She so crazy!!!!! - Stella

Josh: No, Stella! We're back, see? CNN is just a rip-off site of us!

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You seem to me to be a huge, steamy, stiny, infected pile of cunt shit..you are a fucking looser from hell who's mom I wouldnt even let give me head. Rot in hell you piece of shit. - steven

Josh: Very good, steven! I think soon you'll be ready to be placed back with the other apes!

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Thanks alot for your valuable site - Mohammed

Josh: Welcome

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This movie,Mr./Mrs.Smith was one of the worst movies I have ever seen,as a matter of fact I couldn't stand watching it I had to leave 15mins after it started.What a waste of time,I went out and I demanded my money back of watch another move from the theater, the manager at the theater agreed and I saw Danny The Dog instead.I couldnt believe that Brad Pitt would agree to play in such a film, he should fire his manager immdiatly.I swore I would never watch a film by him again..... - Tony

Josh: I will forward your letter to both Yahoo User Movie Reviews and Brad Pitt.

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Re: original_doritos2.htm

Like Terry, I was around when Doritos first came out (the 1966 date sounds about right, as I would have been the age I remember, at that time). Yes, the first Doritos were a plain corn chip and it was some short time later (probably the 1967 previously mentioned) that the original Taco Doritos (not the Taco Bell, or this new crapfest called Taco) came out. I seem to remember that there was a cheese Dorito before the Nacho variety, but can't swear to it? Anyway, end of debate! I was there! Plain corn, then Taco (and maybe a cheese). Those were the first Doritos! I don't have any pictures and I don't have any "proof", but I knows what I knows!
PS: I wish I had me a bag of them original Tacos! They were the best! - Mike Scott

Josh: Thanks, Mike! I'll update the Doritos page accordingly. Eventually. Anyway, with your comment and others, I think it's safe to say that the mystery is officially solved, so to future letter writers: please only write in if you'd like to voice your appreciation for Original Doritos, not to help us figure out what they were.

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I just sent the following letter to DC101, WTOP and to McDonald's ( their message form is here: http://www.mcdonalds.com/app_controller.custsat.custsat_form_marketing.html )
This is how one grandparent reacted:
< The ad agency imbecile who wrote it deserves 40 lashes plus community service and a Sociology 101 short course.
But the McDonald executive who approved it should be made to walk the plank. What unfunny sophomoric stupidity!>

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I am writing to protest the following McDonald's commercial being aired on various radio stations in the US, including DC101 and WTOP:

Child: Hey Dad, can we stop for a shake?
Dad: Sure pal, we'll go to McDonalds.
Mom: Uh, huh, wait a minute. Wait just a minute. His team lost.
Dad: Honey, he played a good game.
Mom: Uh, uh. Shakes are for winners.
Dad: Honey!
Mom: Oh, I know, what if we get them and he has to watch us drink them?
Child: Mom!!
Mom: Well he's not getting a cookie. And that's final.

I am outraged at the tasteless and irresponsible McDonald's ad being aired on various radio stations with the message "Winning is everything!"
With all the violence seen today at all levels of sports and play by even parents and other fans, McDonald's "winning is everything" message is a dangerous one, where trying and playing well counts for nothing, only winning counts. The ad does not teach good parenting skills: "no blame, no shame, no pain" is what healthy, positive and encouraging parenting is all about. This ad hinders schools' and parents' efforts to foster a positive and respectful outlook for children, one that focuses on effort, teamwork, and pride in what one can accomplish, regardless if one wins or comes in first.

From a social and parenting viewpoint we find the message to be reprehensible and dangerous. McDonald's should make better and socially more responsible decisions in advertising and radio stations should think twice before airing such irresponsible ads.

McDonald's claims "whether it's called good corporate citizenship or social responsibility, we take seriously our commitment to conducting our business in a way that respects the world around us and the issues that matter most to you."

In this case, I don't think they take it so seriously. - Aysegul Acar-Dryer

Josh: Coming from the company (well, their ad agency, really) that made this:

...I can't say that I'm surprised.

- August 14, 2005

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