Letters From The Readers

In this update, readers write various thoughts and questions of a generally specific nature, and send them in to me for my reciprocal thoughts and/or answers where applicable. Let's read on!

Correction DENIED.

Excuse me, old chap, but your spanish dialect from the "Jesus Demands Human Blood Now" was most appalling. It's almost as if Mr. Wagner has never heard a real spanish person speak in his entire life. I mean, what's up with this "ESSAY" business? I'm as open-minded about ethnic-based satire as the next south american dictator but that's bloody awful syntax and spelling. So...let me break it down for you like this:

"Listen, ESE....you front me or my posse out like that one more time, and we're driving up there to nail your goddamn scrotum to your fucking forehead so that maybe you'll realize what a clueless dickhead suburban geek you are. And by the way...NO OIL FOR YOU!" Or should I say..."Joo!"

Cheers Old Boy - Hugo Chevez, Marxist Leader and the GUY WHO FUCKED YO MAMA!!

Josh: No, I'm pretty sure it's "Listen, essay," as in, "Listen, short literary composition on a single subject, usually presenting the personal view of the author." Sorry!

Confused.

WHAT? No update?? - Upset

Josh: Seeing as how we updated every night last week (and remember, no weeknights), I'm not sure what this letter is referring to. Clear your cache, sir! Before it's too late!

A fancy-sounding letter that has never heard of satire.

[RE: "New Nostradomus Texts Reveal Other Tragedies" - Ed.] What? WHAT??? Come on, people. The "visions" he has are so broad in terms of things that could occur, that really any kind of disaster on the given dates could be his "prediction". Seriously. And another thing: The "Planet of Blue" that you and everyone else thinks is Earth could then be, dubbed from medieval astronomy, the planet we call "Venus". And furthermore, when he speaks of hot weather during drought, he isn't predicting anything. Geographically, the most arrid areas on Earth that suffer from drought are naturally hot from the lack of moisture. That's beside the point, however. The point his, he's not a real prophet. He merely uses common sense and false imagery to give a canvas. You, the people who believe his writings, are the ones who paint the picture. Ok, here's my great prediction of the future: In the year two-thousand-seven, the death of a man will bring much suffering. Now, just wait till 2007. I will be 100% correct, because as far as anyone knows, that prediction could be the death of a political leader, a famed writer, or even a great-grandfather in some small town who happens to have a large family. See? It's all a hoax. - Reality Check

Josh: Man, you're smart. Good thing you used all that time and energy to explain it to the rest of us.

Some relief in the form of a coherent letter.

Regarding Grand Theft Auto being the culprit for what's going on down here in Orleans, that's just preposterous. It's Mad Max movies...and all that Voodoo bullshit. Finally drove people crazy. So if you're a midget and surrounded by raw sewage, what do you do? Turn the shit to energy and take over. Who run Barter town??? Now, if I can just thread water long enough to find somebody to ride around on the shoulders of. How tall are you, Josh? - Master/Blaster

Josh: Sorry, I died already, like four days ago. I was trying to helicopter people out of danger and I was shot in the face.

Sharp eyes.

The "click here for the whole story" link for the porn article sends one to the article about GTA... - concerned

Josh: Wow, you should play the lottery -- that mistake was present for no more than ten minutes or so before I noticed. Still, thanks!

Comments from a fellow satirist.

[RE: "Rescue Efforts Enrage New Orleans Residents" - Ed.] When I read in the news about people SHOOTING AT THE EVAC CHOPPERS... I couldn't handle it. Where do you put something like that in your head? It doesn't fit.

Your article was beautifully done, it was satire at its driest, hardest, most mirror-like. "Look at yourselves," it said, and said it well.

I can only imagine you're going to get flayed for that article, but rest assured it was absolutely brilliant. Highlighting the powder-keg aspect of the city to begin with, I especially enjoyed this bit:

====
An Enduring Vision camera crew was warned to stay off the streets by police, who said conditions in New Orleans were just too "crazy and dangerous" to be outside in. Today, several months after being told that, the crew received the same message.
====

Congrats on an excellent article! - Dave

Josh: I responded to Dave personally, but I wanted to reprint this here to thank him publically for his nice comments. Dave runs a satire site of his own called The Bentinel -- check it out sometime!

RIP, friend.

51cent3.htm

To Whom It May Concern,

Would it be possible to be put in contact (via email) with 51 cent?

Please let me know.

Thanks, - Rhiannon Rae Sterling

Josh: Sadly, 51 Cent is presumed dead after being shot by a former client. I now handle his personal affairs, however, if you'd like to send him a message posthumously.

- September 4, 2005