Letters From The Readers

This edition of the letters is very special, as I have already typed the ENTIRE GOD DAMNED THING once before. But for some reason, Dreamweaver decided to eat it and pretend that I never did it in the first place. So now, as I answer your letters again, I am filled with rage.

Not leaving.

Josh, your responses to the yahoo user movie reviews are the funniest things I've read in a long, long time.

Please don't ever leave me. - Brucie

Josh: I won't, unless I get hit by a car!

A weekly rambling reader speaks up, sort of.

I read the WR. - anonymous

Josh: But you are too embarrassed about it to use your real name!

That's enough.

Josh, not only does your comic suck again this week, but I'll shoot your ass if I catch you necking on my beach without permission! - Pete

Josh: All right Pete, you've made your views regarding the comic quite clear now, and I've accepted the criticism good-naturedly. But if you complain some more, I think we're going to have to take a trip down to Florida, and it ain't going to be to see Disneyworld.

So...awesome...

I write in response to your appeal for approval of your ramblings (a desperate cry for help, if I'm not at all mistaken). It isn't that one exactly relishes the prospect of yourself, Mr. Righter, smeared weakly all over the bottom of the EV come a Sunday evening, but without it, where would we be? It also provides a much-needed link to your heavenly Muse (off t'Mount Oreb, although there aren't as many biblical epics as I'd like coming from you these days). Also, taking Locke's second treatise on civil government as a starting point, would it be such a logical fallacy to demand that you share your intellectual property with us, for fear of a scarcity of Josh, and indeed causing punishment for greed from on high? Well, almost certainly it would, but that notwithstanding: OWNED. Keep the rambling. - Mr Stillgestandar og yfirvegunnar

Josh: This letter doles out reassurance and punishment for my self-indulgence in almost equal parts, which is why I think it's more than eligible for this:

Congratulations, dude!

Issues.

[RE: "My Computer Is Too God Damned Slow" - Ed.] You need help man, you have some anger issues. If i met you walking down the street i would run up to you and smack you in the mouth, you cant speak of people in that way in this day and age (racist fecker). Anyway, you also seem to be completely devoid of any technical knowledge. This is one of the fudemental things that seperate us from the fairer sex. Ever tried talking to girls about their car?? half of them dont even know the fucking engine size, i know a few who dont even know the model. men do. we are tool makers and have patience to learn skills that will help us be more efficient. therefore, it is not the nerds that are gay, like you said in your article, it is you, ya fustrated queer. perhaps thats the root of your anger.. - Jim

Josh: Women. When will they learn to just stay at home and cook the dinner?

Feces.

The Shitology article was written expressly so you could use "95 Feces," wasn't it? The phrase has been floating around in your head for years, taunting you with its potential hilarity but hiding behind the improbability of its ever being used, right? - Dan

Josh: Haha, Scott actually wrote that line so I can't be sure, but I think your theory definitely holds water.

AMURICA!!

[RE: "New Navy Slogan: 'Life, Liberty, And Pursuit Of All Who Threaten It'", which I was actually going to get rid of soon on account of its relative shitiness - Ed.] WOW. you have no problem lying about this shit. Tommy Franks would have never said that, and even if he did, he is not that one who says what the navy slogan is. but don't worry Tommy and I will keep killing raghead terrorists so you can print your bullshit in safety. - Jason

Josh: This ain't no rag it's a flag
And we don't wear it on our heads
It's a symbol of the land where the good guys live
Are you listening to what I said
You're a coward and a fool
And you broke all of the rules
And you wounded our American pride

And now we're coming with a gun
And we know you're gonna run
But you can't find no place to hide
We're gonna hunt you down like a mad dog hound
Make you pay for the lives you stole
We're all through talking and a messing around
And now it's time to rock and roll

These colors don't run and we're speaking as one
When we say united we stand
When you mess with one, you mess with us all
Every boy, girl, woman and man
You've been acting mighty rash
And talking that trash
Let me give you some advice
You can crawl back in your hole
Like a dirty little mole

But now you're gonna pay the price
You might of shot us in the back
Now you have to face the fact
That the big boys' in the game
And the lightning's been flashing
And the thunder's been crashing
And now it's getting ready to rain

This is the United States of America
The land of the brave and the free
We believe in God and we believe in justice
We believe in liberty
You've been pulling our chain
We should've done something 'bout you a long time ago
But now the flag's flying high and the fur's gonna fly
And soon the whole world's gonna know

This ain't no rag, it's a flag
Old Glory red, white and blue
The stars and the stripes when it comes to a fight
We can do what we have to do
Our people stand proud
The American crowd is faithful, loyal and tough
We're good as the best and better than the rest
And you're gonna find out soon enough
When you look up in the sky
And you see the eagle fly
You better know he's a heading your way
Cause this ain't no rag it's a flag
And it stands for the USA
USA
USA
USA

WE BELIEVE IN GOD AND JUSTICE

Some love.

...love today's commentary on UN scandals. Have you any info on a book by author named San Juan regarding UN parasites and laggards? ...can't find it in Fla. book stores. Enjoy your Kofi break. - Bob Sass Sr.

Josh: Sorry, I've never heard of that book, and a quick Amazon search yielded nothing. Hope you find it!

Some relative love.

Regarding Scott's article "Man Machine-Washes Flag In Hot Water, Discovers These Colors Do Run", I just want to say that that is why we are related. Except his IQ is 328742 points higher.

I love you - Helen

Scott: Oh Helen, I just want you to know that it's so awkward now that I know you read
the EV. Much love from your cousin!

Josh: It is well-known that Scott is actually the smartest man in the universe, with the exception of George W. Bush.

Some miscellaneous love.

THE WR ROCKS HARDCORE!!!!

comics are cool too.... - Garrett

Josh: Sweet, glad you like them!

Submission for a dead section.

Thought you might like this for the spam section...

From: "Q.O.C." <N@adsearch.net> [Add to Address Book] [View Source]
To: tamful@comcast.net
Cc: tamg@comcast.net, tamgnolruf@comcast.net, tamgonzalez@comcast.net
Subject: I couldn't think of a subject
Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 00:20:36 +0000

Hiya Tamful,

Just look at what you get:

noo fe perscrption
toop quallity mdcaton
looow pric
secure payeed sytem
discret packging
tootal confindentality
hooome dliviery

Jeffry
rf6.net/3.php
compline cahill dooley

When I saw the honesty in the subject of this letter I knew that this was a company that I could trust. The fact that they refer to me as "Tamful" was also very hilarious. - Matt Furlong

Josh: Haha, you're right, that subject is pretty funny. If we still did the Spam of the Week, this definitely would've made it in. Thanks!

- October 16, 2005