Letters From The Readers

After an unexpected setback in updating last week, our readers are here to show us that they haven't forgotten about us, and that they've been keeping the love up all two weeks long. It's the heartwarming tale of the year.

Might as well start with this one.

can you help me, i think my boyfriend is gay bcuz alot of the things u brought up in the story sound like my boyfriend and the way he views certain things escpeacially when you said that you would date girls but the thougth of getting close u got wierded out by. this sounds alot like my boyfriend but its so hard to tell i dont kno whether to confront him about the issue cuz i dont wanna make him feel bad but i dont wanna always question his sexuality. i wouldnt judge him if he was gay becuz that is just how he feels i would except him for this i just really need to kno the truth can you tell me how i could find this out? - brittany

Josh: This is a very serious questiont that requires a very serious answer, so: when he's sleeping, check inside his throat for the homosexual mark that all gays have. It should look vaguely like a tiger with eyeliner on.

Kick his ass!

[RE: "Alum Not Recognized In Favorite College Bar" - Ed.] are you kidding me? you must be some sort of a looser! To hate on the Chocolate shop, you don't know what it's about. It is about going there years later and getting the same drunkin feeling feeling as it was when you where there. If you don't feel like you belong now, you've either got a chip on your shoulder or you're not happy with yourself now. The Chocolate Shop is for people who love Purdue, and have made a home there. Even people from far away will come just so that they can say they've been there. I'm sorry that you did not feel special, cause people in this world are not out to please db's like you! - cbass

Josh: It's not often that a reader believes a story is serious, but also misses its point when doing so. Oh wait, that happens very often. So don't feel bad!

Scott: Go Ugly Early. Maybe you're right, I've never gotten that drunken feeling in any other bar.

Holy shit.

The John Bolton story sounds about right. I was walking down a street near the UN building the other day and noticed John Bolton in the group of people with me waiting to cross the street. When I young "scallywag" as Bolton referred to him, bumped into the UN ambassador, I ran for my life. HIs face got all distorted and red looking and before anyone knew what had happened, the poor teen was up against the street light with his dick nailed to it. Wrenching in pain, I watched him nailed there from a window on a city bus, when suddenly John Bolton got on. Apparently, someone had taken his, according to him, "seat." When the guy started to blurt out an insult, Bolton nailed his dick too. The whole bus ride was silent, except for the ocassional sobbing of the now dick-nailed passenger and warnings from Bolton to everyone else to "mind ther own fucking business or else." When the bus stopped at the UN building, John Bolton got up from his seat and started to walk off the bus, when he suddenly stopped and turned to the driver. Apparently the man hadn't given him a salutation. With lighting fast reflexes, Bolton nailed, with a grip on the driver's dick in one hand and a large wooden mallet in the other, the driver's dick. When he finished, I heard from the back of the bus, Bolton shout "Do ya feel lucky, punk? Well, DO YA?" He then stepped off the bus and onto the sidewalk. Before he entered the UN building, I heard him shout to a random pedestrian, who may or may not have been Kofi Annan, "A man has got to know his limitations." - Colin

Josh: There are no words to describe the quality of this letter.

Congratulations, dude!

Some species of love.

Good service - Frank Johnson

Josh: Thanks?

A call to action.

spank me in st. louis I am a very bad boy. - jeff

Josh: You should go to the authorities, I'm sure they'd be happy to.

The EV: a reptillian website.

Umm... Josh... I don't know a tactful way of asking this so...

Is that woman depicted in the Saddam/Yo Momma article single? It's been a while and well... The Little Corporal is getting a little anxious for some action... if you know what I mean.

Do you have her number and an extra condom?

Make that two condoms... the Corporal is a little trigger-happy at first... - Michael J Kaiser II

Josh: I have no idea what you mean. Is this letter advocating military presence in Iraq?

Hmm.

[RE: I think "Muslim Clerics Say Cartoon Misrepresents Islam As Violent; Threaten Violence" - Ed.] Reading this story on the toilet reminded me I needed new Allah and Koran toilet tissue to wipe with. - Mike Biever

Josh: I fear this story may have reached an unintended audience.

I thought staff writers couldn't write in!

Oy, me kindred writer/editor boatmate! Verizon begs to be told, don't ye see? It's the plank for ye, see! And a sure downward spiral into the cavernous watery underworld, if needs be. See!

(Tone note: You are supposed to read this outloud, with a mix of pirate-y slur and old black-and-white movie drawl.) - Pirate Hooker

Josh: I have no idea what you mean. Is this letter advocating pirate hooker presence in Iraq?

Something about teenage cats.

Hey stupid. I'm sure you already know this but when you type in "the" in front of enduringvision.com a site with the headline "teen pussy" is displayed. You're a sick pervert and I know where you live. As if teens don't have enough to worry about, they have you pandering their pussies all about. - Randy Elmaker

Josh: Holy crap, awesome. This is exactly what I wanted to have happen ever since I started the site.

Bears.

I read the story on tim treadmill and how he was killed. I watched a documetary on him last night. One thing you do not mention in this article is that tim's girlfriend was also mauled my bears. - Redhead.

Josh: A funny thing that happened while I was considering a response to this letter is that I actually forgot that we wrote a story on Tim Treadmill, and I had even prepared a snappy reply about how now we don't even have to write stories anymore. The moral is, I'm usually drunk when I do The EV and thus have no idea or recollection about most of the things on here.

He finally wrote in!

[RE: "Hussein Trial Erupts In "Yo Momma" Insults" - Ed.] I must commend you on your journalistic prowess. This is perhaps the single most accurate description of the trial's proceedings that I've yet seen.
With love - Saddam

Josh: Thanks, 'dam! And don't worry, somebody's going to get fired for incorrectly stating that your blog is on MySpace. We really ought to research these things.

A reader finally remembers us.

Dearest yet concerning Josh de casa EV... after finally remembering the EV still existed and no one had died, I came back. That's all I've got to say, "I forgot you were alive"...I should be punished...or at least a good talking to. - Sofia

Josh: I had a good talking to in mind, but then I got lazy and didn't really have it in mind at all. Consider this a warning!

Reality.

[RE: "Man Takes Lays' "Betcha Can't Eat Just One" Claim Seriously" - Ed.] This has to be the stupidest person ever(Cambrine)! Everyone knows that its just a slogan and its not a real bet! He is just trying to get attention! - Corrine

Josh: How could it not be real when they even say it on the commercial, though? Think about it.

A good letter.

I think your a a** hole - Anonomous

Josh: Good censorship commentary.

A better letter.

I want to harvest your children. - Abby

Josh: Sounds...hot?

- February 12, 2006