Things pick up this week with a good number letters about all sorts of matters. Bonus: our good friend Mike Caira returns (or does he?) with a word or two about God and swearing like a sailor.

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A LITTLE LATE
Rather than too late, I think the movie "United 93" is a little late. We needed to see how these terrorists tried to kill all of us and maim our country. The movie was afraid to show how the bad the terrorist really were. They should have shown how they trained to become vicious killers. We all saw the twin towers go down. Why not show it happening instead of in a shaded vision. It made the army and the airline people look pretty stupid as they seemed to stand around wondering what to do. Why are some of the comments on the message board so against America? Are they Americans or are they malcontents who are always want to be negative. I thought they should have identified the passengers since we all know who they are anyway. I've seen interviews with some of the families and they seemed happy with the film. They know what happened and have dealt with their grief. Let's tell it like it is. - mims

Josh: I think people need to spend less time NEVER FORGETTING and more time looking at the world around them in the present.

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[RE: "Turret Guns Installed Along Border Could Kill Illegal Alien Problem For Good" - Ed.] You make it sound like the only reason not to let unlimited hordes of people run into the country is xenophobia.

Your politics are normally misguided, but I'm still a huge fan of your superior satire writing skills - jeff

Josh: I could see how you would get that impression from the article if you stopped reading after the first paragraph. ;) Thanks for the compliments, anyhow!

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Your story on the turret guns was absolutely brilliant. Do go on! - J.D.

Josh: Thank ya kindly! We do intend to go on, and letters like yours make it an easy decision.

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[RE: "New Nostradomus Texts Reveal Other Tragedies" - Ed.] True that Nostradomus has predicted many things that has come to pass yet by all means he is not God and he shall never be. I myself read about all the things that are to take place that Nostradomus has predicted to happen still I only believe in him as a prophet nothing more or nothing less. Nostradomus is seen now as a great prophet and even though he is so accurate about the things to happen has anyone ever thought that maybe that Nostradomus himself may rise again and be the next antichrist or maybe in a certain text that he may already be here for we listen and breathe the facination on the predictions and accuracy on the words he so long ago wrote. So listen, in all reality Nostradomus lives on and could be the antichrist that so many has been waiting and watching for. - Della Adkins

Josh: This is one of the most insane things I have ever read.

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[RE: Something from Goth Gary, I'm sure - Ed.] This is the worst sorry excuse for a pile of shit I've ever read. Gary, you're an ignorant ass who can't spell. - Who carea

Josh: Incidentally, what does "carea" mean?

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[RE: "Marijuana User Gives In To Peer Pressure, Runs Over Little Girl, Disappoints Grandmother" - Ed.] Your article fills me with the utmost revulsion. I can't believe that you would make cheap cracks at what is proving to be a global epidemic. If you had ever been tricked into using this crack-like substance, you would know the pain and fear it caused me. I was overcome with an uncontrollable urge to kill and maim, and a burning rage, the likes of which have yet to be seen anywhere in civilized society. I felt as if the spirit of a malevolent cavemen eclipsed my own, normally law-abiding persona. I think that it's totally rational that 38 million americans do not have health insurance, yet we've spent over a billion dollars preventing people from using this acrid instrument of the devil this year alone. Shame on you for bringing to light the holes in the government's shining plan to spend billions of taxpayers' money showing the country the evils of marijuana. I don't support terrorism, SO I DON'T SMOKE THE EVIL REEFER!

Signed (angrily), Joshua Sault, Watertown, CT

PS This was a joke you retard.
PPS I'm sorry, you're not a retard. I'm just in a red fog right now, induced by the many years I've been a daily smoker. - Josh Sault

Josh: I very much enjoyed this letter:

Congratulations, dude!

Now quit the devil weed before you kill any more children!

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omg i loev this sight - hehe

Josh: Thanks! And might I add that we're completely non-judgmental here, and you can enjoy the site under the influence of whatever it is you might enjoy doing in your spare time.

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[RE: "AIDS Causes Porno Industry To Grind To A Halt; Situation Deemed 'Worst U.S. Crisis Ever'" - Ed.] Do not mock the people who have aids - back door?

Josh: That article contains no mocking of people who have AIDS, so I'll assume this is a warning to us for future articles. Don't worry, we won't!

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[RE: "Activist Ceases Protesting After Realizing She's Lucky To Live In Country Allowing Her To Protest" - Ed.] Sela Williams sounds legit....except that her name is Actually a Anagram for "I'm a walls lies" and 'Swill malaise'
so...uh...yeah
Viva le revolution! - Rumblefish

Josh: My brain can't do anagrams. All I thought of for me was "josher right".

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[RE: "Shut The Fuck Up While I Teach You About God", various real-life Mike Caira letters - Ed.] DONT EVER CALL ME A FUCKING FRAUD

DON'T MAKE A FUCKING FAKE EDITORIAL, I'LL MAKE MY OWN FUCKING ASSHOLE

ALRIGHT SO THIS IS THE WORLD RIGHT? AND GOD FUCKING MADE IT. IT DIDNT JUST SHOW UP, DIPSHIT. AND JUST FOR YOUR FUCKING KNOLLEDGE, ITS NOT A SIN TO SWEAR, SO FUCK YOU.

ANYWAYS GOD MADE THE EARTH AND SHIT RIGHT, AND THEN HE PLANTED FOSSILS IN THE GROUND, JUST TO FUCK WITH SCIENTISTS. YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID, OBVIOUSLY GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR TOO. THERES NO FUCKING THING CALLED EVOLUTION, ITS ALL BULLSHIT. IF EVOLUTION WAS A PERSON ID FUCKING RAPE THE SHIT OUT OF IT FOR BEING FAKE.

[et cetera...]

THATS ALL I FUCKING HAVE TO SAY. AND IF YOU FUCKING DARE SAY THIS ISNT ME ILL SLIT YOUR THROAT THEN SUCK THE BLOOD OUT AND LAUNCH IT UP YOUR ASS TILL IT EXPLODES. BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO YOU FUCKING DEMON. - Mike Caira

Josh: Sorry, "Mike", but you're clearly an imposter. Your "editorial" being so over-the-top is proof enough, but in addition, you request that I not call you a fraud, which implies that you are stating the last letter you sent me was not fradulent. But that letter clearly was fradulent, because, as I stated then, "the Mike Caira I know and love would never join up with an EV reader cause like the Yourmom fish, or even understand what it is." Unless Mike Caira was a joke character from the very beginning, which I suppose is a possibility. But it would be a sad one. Real Mike Caira, where are you?

- May 7, 2006

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