EV Living: Make Your Own Holidays

EV Living: Make Your Own Holidays
by Josh Righter

For those of us in America, now that the Fourth of July is over, we have to face a hard, inevitable truth: there are no more official holidays until Labor Day -- a day that isn't until the beginning of September! Besides becoming involved in strange religions, isn't there any way to get a day or two of non-vacation time off of work until then? Luckily, yes. The Enduring Vision is here with a creative list of holidays that could be real, but just aren't yet. With the help of you and a few of your friends, though, they'll be a reality in no time. Go to it!

- Fake Robbery Day (July 26th)
Everyone appreciates the hard-working folks who serve us Slurpees and take our money for the gas we pump, and our hearts go out to these warriors of the corner store whenever we hear of one of them being shot by an inconsiderate robber who is interested in the $150 in the cash register. But until now, there has been no official way to honor these brave people. Enter Fake Robbery Day.

Above: A fake robbery in progress.

On this day, grab an unloaded gun (note: your gun may be loaded if you think you'll need some protection on the way down to the store, but just be careful) and head down to your local convenience store, waving it in the clerk's face as you demand all the money in the store. Then, at the last possible second (preferably when the clerk is down on his knees and sobbing), explain that it's Fake Robbery Day, and that you're paying homage to the clerk. He or she will instantly become very grateful, and will realize that society does care about their vital services, after all.

Be careful: some clerks may become overzealous in their celebrating and accidentally call the police and/or shoot you. Take this in stride, and explain the holiday to the police or ambulance workers when they get there. They will realize you are just doing your patriotic, respectful duty.

- Random Acts Of Extreme Kindness Day (August 3rd)
There's enough nasty violence and random hatred in this world all year-round -- isn't it time to have a day where only nice things happen to strangers? We thought so, and that's why August 3rd is a day where you go out of your way to do extremely nice things to people you don't know.

Above: An example of something nice to paint on a stranger's door.

For example, sneak into an apartment building you've never been into before and paint friendly, anonymous messages on people's doors. Things like "I LOVE YOU" and "I KNOW YOU ARE KIND" and "YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I THINK YOU'RE SPECIAL" will brighten anyone's day in no time, and hopefully make a little less hate in this world. For those of you who are more mechanically inclined, see if you can get into the person's apartment while they're away and do their grocery shopping for them (if you don't see a list, look in their cabinets and try to figure out things they might like to eat). There's nothing like coming home from work to discover that all your shopping has already been done for you by a stranger who got into your house while you were away!

Of course, it all doesn't have to be that involved -- a little kiss and a hug to someone you pass on the street can go a long way towards making their day a little better.

- Break Lamps Day (August 15th)
Lamps: we've all had a problem with them at some point or another. How many times have you gone to turn on a lamp because you need light, only to have the bulb burn out on you? Or how about when lamps are too bright, and hurt your eyes after you have directly stared at them for too long? On this day, we, the American people, can take back our country from the lamp menace, even if it's just for one day.

Above: A computer rendering of the special tools to be used on Break Lamps Day.

Select your Lamp Breaking Tool from any authorized Lamp Day store, then get to work. Be careful not to break any non-lamp items, but be equally careful not to leave anything classifiable as a lamp (i.e., containing a bulb, unless it's a flower bulb, which do not need to be destroyed unless they can somehow generate their own light); both of these offenses are punishable by death as stated under the Federal Guidelines for Break Lamps Day (that will probably be approved). T-shirts will also be available to mark the occasion, sporting such slogans as "I Break Lamps, Not Hearts" and "I'm Not Too Bright...And I'm Proud Of It!"

Don't you hate lamps? If you're like most Americans, the answer to that question is "Yes, and I can't wait for Break Lamps Day to show it."

Don't let yourself be limited by our suggestions, though! There are plenty of other good ideas out there, including a few that we didn't have the time and inclination to write up descriptions for:

- Turn The TV Back On Week
- Sex With A Stranger Day
- Eyeglasses Switching Weekend
- Grow/Shave Your Beard Day

And much more!

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