Missed Mother's Day: What Can You Do?

Missed Mother's Day: What Can You Do?
by Josh Righter

Although most people across the United States delighted their mothers with creative gifts of flowers and cards today, some may have forgotten the occasion altogether, leaving their mothers to angrily consider getting extreme late-term abortions to terminate these ungrateful children. If you happen to be one of these adult fetuses, fear not: The EV has a handy list of excuses you can give your mother to prevent your murder and make her feel special for a few minutes.

- When mother asks "What did you get me?" smile wisely and say "What didn't I get you?"
After hearing this, your mother will smile and get teary-eyed as she realizes you gave her the most important gift of all: the gift of love.

- Quickly have child and ask "Where's my Mother's Day gift?"
If your child does not have one for you, consider aborting it.

- Explain that gift is in the car
When she asks if you can go get it, say "No."

- Give belated poison flowers
This will teach your mother that in future years to come, you are giving her your gift by not giving her a gift.

- Run trip wire through house
When your mother comes to ask you why you forgot about her, she'll trip, buying you precious time to think of something. Bonus tip: consider throwing down several banana peels to further impede her progress while providing a comedic noise.

- Convince mother that she misheard and it is actually "Zruther's Day"
If your mother asks what a Zruther is, abort her.

- Passionately kiss her
Most mothers will forget about their lack of gift when presented with this. Bonus tip: if your mother does not forget and/or seems interested, run.

- Watch "Full Metal Jacket"
This story of a charming young man and his adventures in Vietnam will teach your mother an important lesson: at least she is not in Vietnam.

- Duct tape her mouth shut
This will ensure that she cannot say anything else about Mother's Day.

- Return to the womb
Your mother cannot blame you for not getting her a gift if you haven't even been born yet. Bonus tip: consider waiting until your mother is asleep, or, at the very least, in the shower.

Email This Story | Comment On This Story | Back To Archives