Music, Shmusic

Music, Shmusic
by Frank Patriot

OK, America. Time to wake up. Though I never thought it possible, there is something desperately wrong with our nation.

There is a sickness which hides menacingly, unnoticed by the Americans of America who, as they go about their American ways, are unaware of a sickness which is eating out the inside of America where all the Americans live and are unaware of the sickness which rends at the heart of poor America.

And, no I'm not talking about South America. When I say "America," I mean the great 50 fuckin' states of the United States of America!

And when I say "sickness", I mean what I have seen with my American eyes on the undoubtedly Taliban-run television station VH1. I was kicking back the other day with a couple of my healthily robust, white-toothed American friends and watching our designated three hours and forty-six minutes a day when a commercial came on that made me writhe with righteous American disgust. It was some "Save The Music" commercial, about how they want money.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love it when entrepreneurs show good American spirit and support our economy by trying to raise capital for some worthy American venture. But as the commercial progressed, I realized what they were trying to raise money for and I had some immediate problems with it, as any American would:

1.) They were raising money for charity, for Christ's sake, and a.) it wasn't to benefit the victims of September 11th, and finally, 2.) The money was intended to buy musical instruments for -- and get this, my compatriots -- to play classical music.

I have three points in response:

1. Is there anybody who wrote that goddamn pansy-ass classical music alive today? Damn American straight.
2. Classical music is worthless and effeminate, much like the kids will be if they ever have to play any of it.
3. America needs to be spending its money on kicking the shit out of Iraq and playing football and shit, not some God-damned classical band music!

I'll agree that there is a place for music. Nobody in America should be allowed to listen to anything but Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue." Nothing gets better than when he says ''Cause we'll put a boot in your ass -- it's the American way." But this great nation of America has truly lost its great American vision if we can see fit to spend even one cent on these pansies who want to play
classical music instead of good ol' Toby Keith.

God bless America.

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