New Navy Slogan: "Life, Liberty, And Pursuit Of All Who Threaten It"
                                     by Brian Albers

In order to fulfill the lifelong dream of senseless killing that a large proportion of America's youth grows up with in this day and age, the U.S. Navy has adopted a new slogan: "Life, liberty, and pursuit of all who threaten it."

The phrase was obviously derived from the classic American view of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but General Tommy Franks felt that America needed to catch up with the "modern" way of thinking.

"Look here, the navy needed some sprucin' up," Franks commented. "So that's why I changed it from that old non-specific phrase. Everyone knows that happiness comes from hunting down evil Arabs, so that's why I changed it."

As a result of the change, the navy suddenly received an onslaught of new recruits, all ready to hunt down any non-Americans and kill them for hating all U.S. residents.

"Killing is so cool," said Bubba Jones of Cornwall, Mississippi. "On my Playstation thingy, I love killing anything that moves, but it ain't real, man! Now, as a gunner on one of those big-ass battleships, I'm gonna blow them terrorists to kingdom come!"

"Also, in addition, I just love America so much, man," Jones added passionately, stroking his t-shirt, which read "9-11: We Will Never, Ever, Ever Forget, Ever," with reverence. "I mean, come on! This is America, the home of the free! Hell yeah! Those terrorists are just jealous of my life in Cornwall, Mississippi."

But while many Americans are embracing the slogan, some citizens from the rest of the world are not so keen on it -- more specifically, on the slogan's use of the word "it". Some have been complaining that "it" could be anything, and according to Tommy Franks, those people are absolutely right.

"We decided to use the elastic clause on that one, which means 'it' could be anything," Franks remarked. "That way, say, if a terrorist blows up my dog Rufus, we can chase his sorry ass down and torture and kill him."

"Wait a minute, did I say torture?" he added. "I was just kidding, America doesn't do that."

Franks then quickly turned around and wiped the sweat dripping from his brow while running to the bathroom.

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