Volumes Seven & Eight
Volume Six
Volume Five
Volume Four
Volume Three
Volume Two
Volume One
News In Sexy Brief
Article Commentary

VOLUMES SEVEN & EIGHT NEWS STORIES
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A Brief History Of Love: Josh's Letter To The Readers
Apoplectic Tergiversations: Scott's Letter To The Readers
Area Man Wakes Up; Past 4.5 Billion Years A Dream
Awesome Girl Dating Total Douchebag
Bush Beginning To "Act Out" In His Final Months As President
Bush Submits $2.9 Trillion Budget For War, Perpetual Motion Machine
Bush Vows That Monday’s State of the Union Address Will Not Be His Last
Closet Racist Finally Comes Out
Eater Of Organic Foods Lives "Life Of Shame"
Enduring Vision Characters Unionize, Demand Severance Packages, Job Security
Enduring Vision Has A Good Feeling About 2007
Enduring Vision Ponders Tribune Company's Offer To Form Merger
Ford To Market Car Bomb Models In Iraq
Hateful Language Discovered In Rev. King's "I Have a Dream" Speech
Legislators Urged To Deliver Tax Rebates Before Satellite Strikes, Ends Life On Earth
McCain Shadowed Again By Animatronic Womanoid During Campaign Speech
Obama Offers Nomination To Clinton If He Can Have A Cigarette
Nation Struggles To Give A Shit About Astronauts
Nasa Experiences Worst PR Disaster Since Aldrin-Armstrong 1969 Gay Weekend
Nobody Safe From Satirist's Vicious Wit
Not All Writers Are On Strike: "Enduring Vision" Wins 3rd Annual HumorFeed Competition
Obama, Clinton See Tuesday's Primary As Chance To Finally Leave Ohio
Obama Shifts Focus From Clinton to Nader
Obama Sweeps Weekend Primaries, Grammy Awards, Box Office Records
One Presidential Candidate May Have A Scandal, Other Candidates Insinuate
Record-Breaking Winter Causes Gore To Rescind Global Warming Message
Weekend Punctuated With Shower, Observation Of Cats
White-Jerseyed Team Trumps Black-Jerseyed Team In Super Bowl Racist Upset

VOLUME SIX NEWS STORIES
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9/11 Commission: U.S. Lags On Giant Terror-Deflecting Force Field
Abstinence, Birth Control Given Up For Lent
Abu Ghraib Dog Handler Sentenced For Cruelty To Animals
Activist Ceases Protesting After Realizing She's Lucky To Live In Country Allowing Her To Protest
Activists Say Astronomical Ruling Could Give Unfair Advantage to Larger Planets
Aging Indie Rock Fan Criticized For Resting On Laurels Of Past Successes
Americans Getting Fatter, Confirms Fat Guy
Americans Not Sure What They Are Celebrating, But It's Definitely Not Christmas Or Chanukah
Americans Reluctant To Help Fake-Sounding "Darfur"
Angelina Jolie Adopts Cruise's Baby
Anti-Immigration Advocates Step Up Protests By Illegally Immigrating To Mexico
Apple Computers Now Bigger Than Jesus
Arab Company Gives Port Operations To Dangerous American Company
Argument Makes Man Realize His Musical Tastes Are Wrong
Attacks On Lebanon Provide Pleasant Distraction From Iraq Death Toll
Attempts At Hot Sex With Ugly Wife Only Making Things Worse
Authorities Relieved To Hear Church Fires Were Joke
Baby Suri Hates You, Wants You Dead
Band Bursts Onto Scene With New MySpace Account
Band Of Hasidic Jews Terrorizes Local Falafel Restaurant
Bar Manages To Stay Hip By Continuously Raising Prices
Black Market Cigar Purveyors Hoping For Castro's Full Recovery
Borowitz Looking To Set Record For Longest Headline Ever
Bosnians, Others Demand Milosevic Resurrection, Re-Killing
Bulgaria And Ukraine Withdraw Troops From Iraq; U.S. Totally Fucked Now
Bush 2000 Campaign Reunion To Be Held At Federal Prison
Bush Admits To Secret Facebook Pages
Bush Blames Low Approval Ratings On March Madness
Bush Denies Knowing Of Iraq War
Bush Enraged By Pearl Harbor Attacks; Declares War On China
Bush Informs Nation Of Super Bowl Pick, Oscar Favorites
Bush Launches Obscenity Assault Against Hezbollah
Bush Not Worried About Impeachment Rumors; Says He "Hasn't Been Blown Since Entering Office"
Bush Plans On Staying The Course On Not Saying "Stay The Course"
Bush Vetoes Opportunity To Not Be An Asshole
Bush, White House Frantically Rush To Find Out What "Dem-ocrats" Are
Bush's Address Fails To Completely Fix Immigration, Say Critics, Fans
California Extends Abortion Term Limits To 35 Years
California Requires Child Molestors To Have Vanity License Plates
Cheney Takes Blame For Shooting Quail
Chicago Councilman Caught in Lawn Mowing Patronage Scandal
Child Scarred For Life After Missing Chance To See Bear Eat Monkey
Child Wants To Be Total Asshole When He Grows Up
Children's Drawings Enrage Muslim Clerics
China Gives U.S. $10 Trillion Platinum VISA Card
Christian Leaders Say Halloween Costumes "Too Sexy," Call For Return To Old-Fashioned Demonic Costumes
Civil Rights Watchdogs Preemptively Criticize Officials For Thwarting Terrorist Attacks
Concert Audience Suspected Of Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs
Congress Reschedules Cherry Festival For Mid-January; Denies Global Warming
Congressional Democrats Order 10,000 Games Of "Clue" In Effort To Find One
Congressional Immigration Fight Leaves 63 Dead
Coretta Scott King "Would Have Wanted Funeral To Be Full Of Politicking," Says Family
DC Comics Unveils New "Retarded" Superhero
DeLay Admits Guilt
Disillusioned Patients Turn To Indie Surgeon Scene
"Dog Bible" Contains No Mention Of Canine Jesus
Druids And Pagans Worry That Original Meaning Of Winter Solstice Feast Is Being Lost
DVD Not Watched
Earl Woods Dead; Son Tiger "Finally Free" To Pursue Career As Hairstylist
Eight Year-Old Celebrates Being Proven Right About Spinach
Enduring Vision Operated By Calvinist Right-Wing Communist Gay-Bashing Intelligent-Design Group
Enduring Vision Writer Insults People, Feels Better About Self
Everyone At Party Really Nice To Black Guy
English Teacher's Grammatically Correct Text Messaging Annoying To Friends
Evian Flu Not As Deadly As Perrier, Crystal Geiser Pandemics
Executives Hope Couric Move To CBS Will Improve Image Of Horrific World Events
Federal Reserve Uses Nude Photos To Raise Interest In Rates
Frank Gehry-Inspired Parking Lot Design Causes Controversy
Free-Spirited Bridge Engineer Has No Regrets For Past Mistakes
French World Cup Fans Hoping For Racial Slur
Friends Confused About Man's Defense Of Kevin Costner
Gay Marriage Fuels Iraq War, Energy Problems
George Mason University Terror Level Raised to "Dark Blue"
Google Files Complaint Against Microsoft, Alleges Rival "Keeps Making Faces"
Google Rejects Bob's Demand For Search Records
Habitual Traffic Violator Paranoid That Lifestyle Of Speeding, Incomplete Stops Will Someday Catch Up With Him
Handicapped Man Accidentally Stared At
Heavy Rains Bring Bad Poetry, Stupid Blog Entries
Heat Wave 2006 Special Report: Is The Government Doing Enough To Protect Public From The Sun?
High School AV Club Membership Threatens Alito Confirmation
Hitler's Speeches Fast Outpacing Mel Gibson As Top-Downloaded Ringtones
Hu's On First In Bush-League Talks, Say Analysts
Humorists Vow Not To Make Light Of "Croc Hunter's" Death
Husband's Opinion Causes Wife To Question Handling of Iraq War
Hussein Trial Erupts In "Yo Momma" Insults
Important Volleyball Match Fills In Gap On Slow News Day
Iraq On Edge After Mosquito Bombings
Iraq War Won
Israel, Hezbollah Agree To "Mutual Destruction" Resolution; War Eventually Over
Israel Ties Palestine 0-0 in World Cup; 4,000 Dead
Jenny Craig Vacationers Tip Scale, Boat
Jesus Helps Woman Buy Car
Jesus Returns, Can Not Afford To Drive Anywhere
Joking Replies To Stupid Security Questions Now Tolerated During Airport Check-In
Katrina Anniversary Brings Fierce Debate Over Pronunciation Of "New Orleans"
Kerry Vows To Filibuster Alito With Boring, Convoluted Speeches
Last Working Gas Station Bathroom On Earth Discovered, Used
Leaked Stories Of Stupid American Kids “Encouraging To Enemies,” Says President
Limbaugh Viagra Evidence Of Coulter Impregnation, Say Analysts
Man Eye-Murdered By Passive-Aggressive Coworker
Man Finds Duties As Godfather Less Enjoyable Than Those Of Best Man
Man Makes Clever Joke About France Surrendering World Cup
Man Possesses Uncanny Ability To Convince People That He Is Wrong
Man Purchases iPod To Drown Out Noise From Other iPods
Man Regrets Hitting It Off With Ugly Chick
Man Relieved To Not Be Famous
Man Remembers Where Twin Towers Were When He Was Attacked
Man Sets Record For Doing One Push-Up At 4:43PM On September 24th, 2006
Man's Death Offset By His Fantastic Accumulation Of Possessions
Man's Missed Sexual Opportunities Occur As Often As Iraq Violence
Man's Presumptuous Voice Mail Assumes That People Actually Want To Talk To Him
Man's Real Life Not Nearly As Exciting As Internet Life
Man's Taste In Interior Design And Fashion Reflects Interest In Eastern Culture, Money
Mardi Gras Expected To Draw Crowds, Encourage God To Smite City Again
Marijuana User Gives In To Peer Pressure, Runs Over Little Girl, Disappoints Grandmother
Marines On Haditha: "War Is Hell, Seriously"
Mel Gibson: Christianity Causes DUIs, Anti-Semitism
Merck Cuts 7,000 Jobs To Help Boost Anti-Depressant Sales
Mexico Reverses Flow Of Illegal Immigration By Legalizing Drugs
Mother's Day Brings Temporary Stop To "Yo Momma" Jokes
Musicians Take Controversial, Risky Anti-War Stance
Muslim Clerics Say Cartoon Misrepresents Islam As Violent; Threaten Violence
Muslim Community "Kind Of Hurt" By Pope's Comments; Pope Kindly Asked To Sit In Corner And Think About What He's Done
Nation Dismayed As Suicide Bomber Destroys Thousands of Precious Gallons Of Gas, Some Iraqis
NBC's "Baseball On Ice" To Follow Olympics
New Disney Ride For Elderly Not Off To Good Start
New Fall TV Lineup Includes "CSI: The White House"
New Orleans Re-Floods Self In Spirit Of Mardi Gras Satire
New "WTF" Agency Will Examine Iraq War
Newspapers Criticized For Quoting Quote That Sparked Muslim Protest
North Korea Readies Enormous Penis, U.S. Officials Say
Office Workers Trapped With Asshole Not Sure How Long They Can Hold Out
Oil Pipe Leaks, Draws Criticism For "Sexual Imagery"
O.J. Simpson Would Have Stabbed Girlfriend To Death And Worn Black Gloves "If I'd Done it," He Says
Parents Concerned About Son Who Seldom Watches TV
Paris Hilton Arrested; Millions Prepare Shitty, Predictable Jokes
Passenger Actually Considers Telling Authorized Personnel About Suspicious Person, Unattended Baggage
Pat Robertson Honors EV Anniversary By Making More Silly Religious Statements
Performer Projects Cover Band Philosophy Into Stand-up Comedy
Plane Lands In Kentucky For Some Reason
"Posthumous Promotions" Serves Artists Not Expecting Recognition While Alive
Progress In Middle East: Demands For Death Of Christian Convert Made Peaceably
Proposed Constitutional Amendment Would Make Apple Pie Official U.S. Dessert
Racist Comment Diluted By Use Of Politically Correct Terminology
Religious Folks, Literati Can't Wait To Not See 'Da Vinci Code'
Report Finds Some Chili Would Be Fucking Awesome Right Now
Researchers Find Average Minds More Apt To Think Alike More Than Great Minds
Rumsfeld, Distressed Over Spears Divorce, Resigns
Saddam Abandons Hunger Strike, Settles For Low-Carb Diet
Savvy Visual Aid Helps Pre-Teen Mothers Avoid Throwing Babies Away
Scientists Marvel At Abundance Of Life In Local Man's Inhospitable Apartment
Search For America's Next Biggest Fucking Shitter Begins
Senate Considers Banning Things Some People Don't Like
Senators Propose Landmark "Discount Sex Rebate" To Offset Gas Prices
Sex Offenders Excited By Pelosi's Promise To Take America In A "Nude Erection"
Special Report: Could Your Kindly Neighbor Be A Pedophile?
Star Jones' Head Shrinking Faster Than Rest Of Body
Some Sensationalist Bullshit That's Not True, Says Local News Report
Study: Private Smoking Could Harm Those Not Minding Their Business
Study: Using Crack Triggers Teen Blackness
Suicide Bombers' Life Insurance Premiums Soaring
Survey: 10 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Fucking Believe It's So Hot Outside
Teen Ponders How Soon After Grandma's Funeral Is Proper To Masturbate Again
Teen Reports Missing Laptop Containing Thousands Of Porn Star Bios, Personal Photos
Teen Secretly Disappointed Not To Be Chosen By School Rapist/Murderer
Terrorist Support Of Bush Exceeds American Approval Ratings
Terrorists Commandeer Planes Using Scissors, Attempt To Cancel Christmas
Thousands Of Albertos Ordered To Evacuate Florida
Turret Guns Installed Along Border Could Kill Illegal Alien Problem For Good
Ugly Man Constantly Surrounded By Ugly People
UN To Deploy Additional Celebrities To Africa
Updates Ready For Computer
U.S. Failed To Capture Nazi In 1958; Bush Blamed
U.S. Gives Up, Releases Hussein To Iraqi Streets
U.S. Picks New Al Qaeda Boss To Replace Zarqawi
Verizon Announces "Drink-And-Dial" Cell Plan For Heavy Drinkers
White House Promises Not To Discriminate In Continued Domestic Spying
White People Protect Holiday Rights Of Minorities, Refuse To Sell Them Christmas Trees
Wire Coat Hanger Sales Soaring In South Dakota
Without Wiretaps, Americans Would Never Have Known Of Jessica/Nick Split, Says Bush
Woman Quits Job Over 70 Times On Her Blog
Woman Watches Jeopardy To Hone Sense Of Importance
Work Beginning To Interfere With Internet
World In Panic Over What The Hell Hezbollah Is
You Only Read This Article Because It Mentions Hot Lesbian Latina Sex

VOLUME FIVE NEWS STORIES
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95 Percent Of Americans Are Offended
America Exhausted By Weeks Of Hurricane Fundraisers, Benefit Galas
Americans Begin Lent, Promise To Quit Chocolate, Lose Weight For Christ
Americans Hope To Die Of Old Age Before Next Terrorist Attack, Poll Reveals
Americans Wish They Weren't So Enthralled With BTK Murders
Anti-War Activists Publicly Bemoan, Secretly Celebrate 2,000th U.S. Military Death In Iraq
Anti-War Protesters Ruin Cause By Looking, Acting Stupid
Anorexic Realizes She Just Has To Eat
Area Man Celebrates St. Patrick's Day With Alcohol Poisoning, Death
Area Man Succeeds Because He Set His Mind To It
"Arrested Development" To Be Cancelled; Is Not Stupid, Retarded Enough For Primetime Television
Aviator Aims To Be First To Fly "Baby 81" Around World
Band Needs Only Shitload Of Equipment To Make It Big, Band Says
Bizarro Bush Apologizes For No WMDs In State Of The Union Address
Blood-Thirsty Liberals Nearly Kill Tom DeLay
Blogger Draws Link Between Hurricane Wilma And Elderly Asian Men
Bolton Confirms Self As Ambassador
Bomb Blast Betting New, Exciting Trend In Britain
Britain Attacked; Media Begins Font Size Battle
Britney Spears Pregnant With Loose Clumps Of Crude Genetic Material
Brown Believed Hurricane Katrina To Be Elaborate Joke, Leaked Emails Show
Bush Administration Collects Dirt On Iraq War Heroes For Use In Later Smear Campaigns
Bush: Cold Water, Soccer Practice Kept New Orleans From Being Saved
Bush: Confirmed To Have Mad Cow Disease
Bush Declared "Fit For Duty", Is Shipped To Iraq
Bush In Europe: A Faux Pas Already With "Brussels Sprouts" Comment
Bush Neighbors "Horribly Inconvenienced" By Soldier's Death
Bush Nominates Alito For Supreme Court; Harriet Miers Returns To Life Of Supervillainery
Bush Opens Oil Reserves In White House Basement
Bush Points To Russell Crowe To Illustrate Need For Patriot Act Renewal
Bush Reaffirms War On Terror, Denies War In Iraq
Bush Shows Support For AIDS Research With Red Ribbon, Sheepish Smile
Bush Uses News Conference To Explain Chaucer, Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipes
Bush Vacation To End; Error Alert Raised
Bush's Poll Numbers Up For Some Reason
"Child Molester" Most Popular Costume Of Halloween 2005
Christian Monument Has No Relation To Christianity, Say Commandment Supporters
Christian Youth Leader Preaches "Cool" Aspects Of Abstinence With "Make Pizza, Not Love" Campaign
Clinton Will Help, "Sex Up" Tsunami Victims
Closet Liberal's Cover Blown At Thanksgiving Dinner
Condoleezza Rice Releases Hip-Hop Album To Combat Own Whiteness
Congress Authorizes Debtors' Dungeons, Quartering By Horses
Conservatives And Liberals Thrilled At Sheehan's Arrest
Cost Of Simple Living Too High For Most Americans, Statistics Show
Country Music Rallies To U.S. Aid, Declares War On Things
Creationists, Darwinists Compromise, Create New Shit Religion
Creationists Evolving At Alarming Speed
Dean To Head DNC, Begin Transformation Into Pussy
Death Sentence Ruled "Cruel And Unusual" For Cruel, Unusual Minors
Deaths, Postponements Prove God Hates Boy Scouts And Their "Activities"
"Deep Throat" Revelation Disappoints, Offends Americans
Democrats Surprised To Find Testicles On Selves
Dismissed Jackson Jurors Sign Book Deals
Embattled Delay Blasts "Liberal" Texas
Enduring Vision Reporter Resigns Amid Plagiarism Controversy
Enduring Vision Writers Find Writing Fake News Easier Than Reporting Facts
Erectile Dysfunction Caused By Erectile Dysfuction Ads, Study Shows
Ex-FEMA Director Brown Blinks, Speaks All By Himself
Fat Tax Would Cut Down On "Disgusting Fatness", Predicts Sen. Clinton
Faulty Intelligence "Worked In Iraq, Can Do Same For Social Security" Says Bush
Federal Judge Mulls Schiavo Life Support So Poor Old Florida Won't Have To
Financial Advisor Uses Wealth, Equipment To Take Life To The Max
Gas Prices Fall; Americans Glad To Not Have To Use Dormant "Legs"
Gay Rights Activist Demands Partner Refer To Him As "Dirty Faggot"
Gaza Strip Peacefully, Cheerfully Evacuated
Global Warming Will Produce "Good Vibrations, Funky Feelings" Says White House
God Continues To Punish Florida For 2000 Election
Greenspan Endorses Private Accounts, Ass-Kickings
Halliburton To Rebuild Louisiana
Hawkish Democrat Calls For Troop Pullout From Daughter
Heat Wave Makes Air-Conditioned Nightmare More Tolerable
High Court Nominee's Hair "Too Unruly", Say Some Conservatives
Hippie Switches To Organic Rolling Papers For Earth Day
Holy Father Leaves Unholy Mess In Bathroom
Hospital Workers Extract Child From Jackson's Rectum
Human Rights Abuse Allegations Make Cheney Cry, Abusing His Rights
Hussein: "At Least I'm Not Tom DeLay"
iPod Nano Missing, Feared Eaten
Iraq Constitution Passes, Enables Continued Fighting And Poverty
Iraqi Insurgents On Possible Amnesty: "We'd Totally Stop Attacking So Much"
Iraqis Vote, Give Up Right To Complain
Jackson Acquitted; Verdict Was Primarily "Due To Whiteness", Says Jesse Jackson
Jackson Cites "Child Molesting" As Chief Reason For Court Tardiness
Jackson Defender Is A Pedophile Himself, Say Suspicious Coworkers
Jesus Takes Away Man's Sin, Man Asks For It Back
Jimmy Carter To Run In '08, Give Democrats "Some Kind Of" Hope
Keanu Reeves Set To Play Terri Schiavo In Biopic
KISS' Gene Simmons To Become New Pope
Kmart, Sears Merge To Create One Giant Failure
Lack Of Supreme Court Nomination Controversy May Create Controversy
Laptop Has More Personality Than User
Lifetime Network Viewers Anxiously Await Next Celebrity Murder
Light-Traffic Morning Makes Commuter Feel Alive
Live 8 Raises Awareness Of World's Need For Pink Floyd Reunion
Local Man Criticized For Not Responding Quickly To Katrina
Lohan, Spears To Testify Before Congress On Teen Breast Implants
London Bombers Turn Selves In, Feel Bad
Long-Lost Bird Rediscovered, Causes Inappropriate National Interest
Louisiana Still Flooded, Infected With Bubonic Plague
Lousy Iranian High School Student Blames Israel For Bad Grades
Man Accidentally Enjoys Background Music While On Hold
Man Asserts Individuality With Pithy Voicemail Message
Man Constantly References Fact That He's Married
Man Continues Fight Against Civilization-Threatening Hornets
Man Interrupts Porn Session For Brief Thought To Flood Victims
Man Machine-Washes Flag In Hot Water, Discovers These Colors Do Run
Marijuana-Flavored Candy Poses Threat To Society, Say Some
Martha Stewart Struggles To Make It On The Outside
Mating, Cute Pandas In Zoo-Woo Infatuate, Impress Public
McCartney Warned About Possible Lewd Super Bowl Performance
McGwire, Others Convince Children Of "Awesomeness" Of Steroids
Media Announces Resignation Of Michael Brown; Brown Finds Out 24 Hours Later
Media Shocker: Cast Of "Queer Eye" Entirely Gay
Medical Community To Include Treatment For Daemons, Devils
Mediocre Math And Science U.S. Students Demonstrate In Favor Of Strict Immigration Laws
Members Of Capitol Hill Adopt Porn Names Of Their Own
Metal Detector Fails To Stop School Shooting; Schools Consider Larger Detectors
Minimum Wage Boost Fails; "Your Checks Would Be Bigger Without Social Security," Advise Republicans
MLB Urges Players To Take Steroids
Morons Write Letters To The EV, Look Stupid
MSNBC: Righter In Mental Health Facility, Says Report
Musician Blames Ruined Musical Career, Life On Graduation
NAACP Praises Graphically Violent Video Game For Racial Inclusivity
New Abortion Research Ignored, Attacked; Fetuses Ungrateful
New Car Alarm Blasts Noise, Lights Until Vehicle Is Tampered With
New "iPunch" Delivers Music To User, Violence To Others
New Orleans Shootings, Lootings Likely Caused By Grand Theft Auto, Say Experts
New Pope Chosen, Laughs Maniacally
North Korea Suspends Nuke Program, Focuses On "Dead Soliders For Cash" Scheme
North Korea To Test Daisy Dukes
Northern Gulf Coast Rocked Like Hurricane
Online Dating Marketplace A Seething Cauldron Of Lies
Ophelia Targets Hamlet
Other States Flood Selves In Tribute To Louisiana
Parents' Rights Group: Pledge Of Allegiance Must Contain "Under Cthulhu"
People Dance, Sing Along To Songs About War, Child Support
People Somehow Still Die In Iraq
Pitt, Aniston Split Officially Ends U.S. Tsunami Concern
Pope Leaps Back To Life, Concluding "Greatest April Fool's Joke Ever"
Pope Media Coverage Continues; Local Band "The Popes" Quietly Changes Name
Pope Prescribed Medical Marijuana
Potential Boyfriend Looks Good In Theory, Fails To Work In Real Life
Pregnant Woman Going Around Like She's Britney Spears Or Something
Protesters Profoundly Influence G8 Leaders, Change World
Rescue Efforts Enrage New Orleans Residents
Rita Approaches; Hurricanes "Seriously Not Even Funny Anymore", Complain Americans
Roberts In 1964: Girls Are "Gross"
Rosa Parks' Lawyer: Casket Has Right To Be In Front Seat Of Hearse
Samuel Alito Once Had An Abortion, Records Show
Sandra Day O'Connor Voted Off Supreme Court Show
Satirist Loses Job, Becomes Realist
Schiavo Doctors Say Starvation Not Painful, Encourage Red Cross To Cease African Food Distribution
Schiavo Was Sleeping, Concludes Church Autopsy
Schwarzenegger's Veto Of Gay Marriage Bill Likely Indicates His Gayness
Science To Deliver Hitler Clones, Happiness
Senate Okays Grinding Up Hippies For Oil
Senate Threatens To Block Nomination Of Reserve Chairman Over Stance On Abortion
Senate Votes To Allow Firearms Manufacturers To Sue Victims
Seniors Surprisingly Support Medicine That Will Make Them Feel Better
Sheer Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution
Shitty Stores Closing At Record Pace
Son Proudly Carries On Family's Tradition Of Smoking
Southwest Airlines Stresses Lack Of Bankruptcy
Spongebob-Fueled Gay Epidemic Seizes America
Standardized Tests Indicate American Children Don't Know About Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen
Starbucks Wins Battle With Boycotter
Study: Male Vegetarians Infertile, Gay
Supreme Court Doesn't Not Ban Not Some Commandment Displays
Teen Blogger Shocked To Find Parents, Other People Read Her Blog
Think Tank Experts To Battle, Say Stupid Things In New Reality Show
Thomas Kinkade Announces Ownership Of Christmas
Through Hard Work, Perseverance, Teen Learns To Like Beer
Timmy's Mom Uses Eminent Domain To Reclaim Pokemon Cards
Trillions Of Potential Lives Taken
Ultra-Conservative Justice John Roberts: "Tricked You, Bitches"
UN: Scandals, Corruption, Laundering, Bribes, Nepotism "Fun"
Uncreative Woman Believes Creativity-Lauding Slogans Justify Messy House
U.S. Attacked Again, Experts Already Saying "September 11th II," Huge Tragedy, We Will All Die Soon
U.S. Launches Probe Droids To Iran
Use Of Word "Crisis" Reaches Crisis Proportions
Utopia Begins; Enduring Vision Still Complains
Venezuela Out Of Control; Jesus Demands Human Blood Now, Says Robertson
VH1 Builds Time Machine, Will Produce "I Love The..." Specials From The Future
Wachovia Apologizes For Saying "Slave"
Waiter Drops It Like It's Hot, Sued By Rapper
White-Bearded Men Prepare For Final Christmas Onslaught
White House: Downing Street Memos Harmful To Freedom, Freedom
White House Opposed To Opposing Torture
White House Struggles To Keep Roberts' Cybernetic Nature Secret
Whites File Discrimination Charges Against NBA
Woman Downloads Opinions From Internet
Yahoo Shuts Down User Chat Rooms; Enraged Pedophiles Consider Suit
Yushchenko Calls For Poison, Name Probe

VOLUME FOUR NEWS STORIES
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9/11 Panel Finds No Link Between Bin Laden And Iraq; White House Uses "Whatever" Defense
Abused Iraqi Prisoners Just "Trying To Be Made To Feel At Home", Say Officials
Accused Murderer Justifies Killings By Eating Subway Prior To Crime
Acid Swimming To Be Added To 2004 Olympics
AIDS Causes Porno Industry To Grind To A Halt; Situation Deemed "Worst U.S. Crisis Ever"
Al Qaeda Plans To Disrupt Election With Fake Campaign Donations
Al Qaeda Sleeper Cells Find Life In America "Pretty Good"
Alcoholic Constantly Mentions Famous Alcoholics
Alum Not Recognized In Favorite College Bar
American Indian Museum Opens In DC, Is Promptly Stolen By American History Museum
Americans Prefer Less Variety, Says New Poll
Apple Announces Next-Gen Mac Will Be Able To Kill User
Area Man Attempts Various Euphemisms To Discuss Sex With Wife
Area Man Blinded With Science
Area Man Braces For Flood Of Uninformed Political Opinions
Area Man Drinks Beer, Gets Women
Area Man Ostracized For Not Using Cell Phone In Movie Theater
Area Man Surprised To Find Self Expressing Wife's Opinions To Friends
Area Man Unaware Jogging Suit Makes Him Look "Horribly Unattractive"
Area Punk-Styled Girl Wishes She Wouldn't Be Judged As Punk-Styled Girl
Asshole Didn't Pull Out In Time
Attendee Of Psychic Show Marvels At Revelation That He Once Had A Mother
Audience Member Doubles As Back-Up Vocalist
Awards Show Awarding Awards Shows Announced
Aymin al Zarahiwi Cuts Solo Terror Threat Video, Breaks Up Al Qaeda
Barney Frank Admits To Heterosexual Affair, Resigns
Bondsman Kerry Edwards Sells Website For $900 Billion
Bouncer Gives Bush Small Bounce After Convention
Britney Spears Weds Plaster Wall In Surprise Ceremony
Burger King Orders Employees To Scold Obese Customers
Burger King Reveals New Ad Slogan "I'm Fuckin' Dying Here"
Bush Announces "Plan To Plan For A Planning Stage" For Fallujah, Rest Of Iraq
Bush Announces Plans To Outsourced Iraq Occupation
Bush Commits Big Funding To Mars; Scoffs At Earth As "Lost Cause"
Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished", Claims Presidency
Bush Cracks Jokes About 9/11 During Clarke Hearings
Bush Gives Mom Voucher For "One Free Air Force One Ride" For Mother's Day
Bush Gives Official Endorsement To Dennis Kucinich
Bush Gives Okay To Bush-Led WMD Probe Commission
Bush Makes Transparent Promise That 2004 Election Will Be Transparent
Bush's Pick Of Non-Polarizing Attorney General Angers, Polarizes Many
Bush Promises To Unite America; Aides Remind Him Unite Means "Join Together"
Bush Talks About Edwards' Wife's Obesity At Rally, Stirs Controversy
Bush Unveils New "Hey, I Just Work Here!" Campaign Slogan
Cell Phones Become Most Preferred Method Of Birth Control
Cheney Dismisses Clinton's Heart Surgery; Calls Former President "Light Weight"
Chicago Band So Progressive That Everyone Hates Them
Colin Powell Seen "Singing And Dancing" At Political Event; "He's Finally Lost It," Say Colleagues
Company President's Vanity Plate "RCH ASHOL" Attempts Irony; Is Actually Brutal Honesty
Concerned Alabama County Protests Against "Dangerous Punk Rocker" Avril Lavigne
Condoleezza Rice Hearings Reveal Rice Is A Huge Bitch
Controversial "White Chris Rock" Draws Ire Of Some
Couple To Divorce Due To Husband Adopting "Bush-Like Policies" Into Home Life
Culkin Blames Drug Habit On Constantly-Vacationing, Neglectful Parents
Dead U.S. Soldiers Overwhelmingly Against Gay Marriage
Dean Hires Former Iraqi Information Minister As Campaign Advisor
Dean Should "Never Change His Mind About Anything Ever" Say Rival Candidates
Death Of Teacher Ruins Students' Ability To Make Fun Of Her
"Even I Don't Know What The Hell We're Waiting For," Admits Undecided Voter After Debates
Department Of Homeland Security Declares Democratic National Convention A Threat
DVD Release Of Star Wars Films To Include Computer-Added Racial Stereotypes
Dyslexic Peacekeeping Unit Arrives In Tahiti
Edwards Challenges Kerry To Fight To The Death
Elderly Ask For Say In Medicare Bill, Are Put In Homes
Employee Pins Hopes Of Patched Relations With Coworkers On Box Of Donuts
Enduring Vision Found To Be Mere Onion-Ripoff
Entire Political Discussion Spoken Using Quotes From "The Big Lebowski"
Everyone Masturbates, Says Your Sister
Evidence On Keebler Cookies Indicates Existence Of Elves
Fahrenheit 911 To Release; Bush Excitedly Prepares For "Movie Star Life"
Fox To Send Bush And Kerry Cross-Country In "Simple Life 3"
"Fun Size" Snickers Actually Less Fun
Gas Prices Explode To Over 30 Billion Dollars Per Gallon
Gene Hackman Arrested For Murder Of Christopher Reeve
Gibson's "Passion Of Christ" Could Be Confused With Earlier, Pornographic Christ Film, Cautions Jesus
GM Recalls Vehicles Equipped With Driver-Side DVD Player
Governor Schwarzenegger Protests NASA Mars Mission Due To "Dangerous Mutants And Dictators"
Greenspan Strongly Recommends No One Fuck With Him
Haitian Rebel Alliance Closes In On Death Star
High Court Liberals Agree To Convince Clarence Thomas That Every Case Is About Porn
High-Speed Car Crash Kills Rowdy High School Teen, Surprises No One
Howard Stern Fined For Baring Breast On Air
Hurricane Frances Nearly Overshadows Bush's Speech; Link Between Hurricane And Al Qaeda Suspected
Hussein To Film Public Service Announcement As Punishment For War Crimes
"I Meant To Say 'George'," Says Heinz Kerry Of Laura Bush "Real Job" Comment
Image-Conscious Michael Jackson Goes For "Non-Insane" Look At Friday's Hearing
Influence Of Class Of '76 Not Felt Outside Of Hometown
Insurgents Intentionally Die, Celebrate Moral Victory Over U.S. Forces
Iran Agrees To Cease Uranium Enrichment, Prepares For U.S. Invasion
Iraqi Insurgents Love Fox News, Survey Reveals
Iraqi Prime Minister "Forgets" English Words For "Beheading", "Insurgents", "Bad Trouble"
Iraqi Prime Minister Declares State Of Emergency, Beginning Of 21st Century
Iraqis Given Napkin Stating That U.S. Is Returning Power
Jackson Innocent, Say Fans Who Have No Knowledge Of The Case Whatsoever
Jesus Indicted In Jackson Case For Supplying Alcoholic "Jesus Juice" To Minors
Judge Makes Decision To Have Courtney Love Put Down
Kerry Chooses Smarty Jones As Running Mate
Kerry Complains About His Use Of "Attack Politics"
Kerry Relieved At Presidential Loss
Kerry Win Could Mean Increase In Terror Attacks, Rapes, Puppy Murders, Says Cheney
Kerry's New Slogan Warns Of Karma Being A Bitch
Kucinich Continues To Threaten Kerry's Nomination, Says Kucinich
Lawsuit Filed After Jackson's "Lewd Stunt" Causes Murder, Suicide, Uncontrollable Fornication
Life Insurance Industry Backs Kerry, Praises His "Wonderful Pessimism"
LiveJournal User Upset That No One Took His Suicidal Poetry Seriously
Local Child Discovers "Fuck"
Local Man Claims Being "Totally Not Into" Porn, Concerns Friends
Local Man Totally Not Shitting You
Local Man With British Accent Is "Not Charming, Just An Asshole"
Local Masturbator Fails To Mention Masturbating As Hobby
Lone Non-Hypocritical Conservative Barricades Vegas Wedding Chapel
Madrid Train Bombing Secures Terrorists' Victory Over "Evil" Innocent Non-Combatant Citizens
Mainstream Tech Article "Fraught With Errors", Say Enraged Nerds
Majority Of American Public Not Aware Olympics Are About Sports
Man Attempting To Watch TV Encounters "Weird Easter Shit"
Man Attempts To Offer Wrap-Up DNC Analysis, Did Not Actually Watch Coverage Of DNC
Man Erroneously Believes Pet's Death Is April Fool's Joke
Man Horrified To Discover Cool-Sounding Song Is Actually Christian Rock
Man Labeled "Winner!" Via Pop-Up Ad Did Not Actually Win Anything
Man Mistakenly Believes Saying Lines Along With Movies Is Cool And Interesting
Man Refers To Thanksgiving As "Turkey Day", Is Ousted From Family
Man Relieved That Ex-Girlfriend Is Finally Fat
Man Upset After Hearing Loser Listen To Hendrix
Many Americans Celebrate Independence, Freedom By Being "Big Jackasses"
Many Undecided Voters Perplexed That Election Is Over Already
Martha Stewart Commands Legions Of Housewives To Attack
Martha Stewart Mounts SUV, Blows Kisses To Fans After Recent Court Hearing
Mayoral Candidate Actively Seeks Female Vote, Vagina
McDonald's Ad Campaign Is "Most Irritating Phenomenon Physics Will Allow", Says MIT
McDonald's Counters "Super Size Me" Documentary With In-House "Salad Without Dressing Me"
Mediocre Lives Interupted By Mediocre Fuck
Millions Of Americans Die From Not Voting
Millions Of Elderly Americans Join Military In Search Of Healthcare
Millions Of Stupid People Preparing To Mate
Moore's "Fahrenheit 1812" To Deny Linkage Between King George III And Burning Of White House
Mother Concerned That Gay Could Spread To Son
Murderer Acquitted In Order To Respect His Opinion
Music Collector Has Rare Copy Of His Band's First Demo
National Opinion Largely Based On Yahoo.com Headlines, Study Shows
NBC Considers Sitcom About Cast Of Reality Show In Sudan
New Popular Rap Star Discusses Soul-Bearing Lyrics To Hit "Yo, Come On, Yeah"
New WTC Tower To Be Tallest In World, Offer Encouragement To Future Terrorists
Nine Out Of Ten Iraqis Prefer U.S. Torture To Saddam's, Says Bush
Nine Year Old Pianist Tired Of Playing Hit Song For Family Audience
Northeastern Snow Is Sign Of Improved Economy, Says Bush
Nostalgic Russians Plan Oppression Demonstration In Support Of Putin
"Now & Later" Candy Renamed "Now & Now, God Damnit"
Office Assistant Listens To "Take It To The Limit", Tests Limits Of Banality
Old Frat Buddies To Introduce Bush At GOP Convention
"Old-Fashioned" Paint Company Prides Itself On Quality Paint, Slave Wages For Workers
Olson Twins Turn 18, Are Assaulted By 19 Million Geeks And Perverts Simultaneously
Online Petition Causes Business To Rethink Its Strategy
Other Pedophiles Angry At Jackson's "High-Profile" Treatment
Over 60 Million Killed In Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic
Parents Worry That Sunday Halloween Will Cause Children To Join Evil Cults, Church Of Satan
Paris Hilton's Father Enters Porno Market With Tape Of His Own
Patriots' Victory Unsurprising, Say Followers Of Patriot Act
Peace Deal Ends Fighting In Najaf; Solution Was "Not Peaceful Enough", Say Democrats
Performance By "Satan's Blood" In High School Battle Of Bands Doesn't Go Over Well
Polls Show Iowa Caucus Tie Between Dean, Gephardt, Kerry, Big Bird
Polls Show Kerry And Bush Pulling Away From Other Candidates
Pop Star Tells Audience "You're Wonderful", Means "I'm Wonderful"
Pope Joins L.A. Kabbalah Center
Posted Speed Limit Mocks Rush-Hour Commuters
Presidential Debates Inform Public About Difference In Candidates' Height, Posture, Tie Color
Protesters Demand "Alien Vs. Predator" Be Re-Edited To Attain R-Rating
Reagan's Body Narrowly Survives Assassination Attempt
Republicans Call Alec Baldwin's Bluff, Vote Him Out Of US
Rick "Super Freak" James Found Dead In "Disappointingly Normal" Circumstances
Rumsfeld Blamed In "American Idol" Abuse Scandal
Rush Hour Tragedy Kills Four, Pisses Off Commuters
Saddam's Capture Causes Safer America, End Of Terror, Elimination Of Disease
Same-Sex Marriage Ban Is A "Gay" Idea, Say Many Politicians
Serial Shopper On Discount Spree
"Sex And The City" Ends; World To Stop Its Rotation
Small Japanese Man Helped Bush During Debates, Say Democrats
Smarty Jones Loses Belmont Stakes, Kills Ronald Reagan
Snoop Dogg Introduces "Hot-mizzle" Email Service
Solider Finds Life In Iraq Less Stressful Than Life With Fiance
Study Finds ADHD Caused By Lack Of Age
Study Links Pregnancy And Fucking
Study: Not Eating As Much Could Decrease Obesity
T-Shirt Not Old Enough To Be Ironically Funny
Tarot Deck Accurately Predicts 1974
Teenager Finally Broken Of Non-Smoking Habit
Terror Alert Level Raised To "Vote Republican"
Terror Attack Launched On Miami; Terrorist Group "MTV" Blamed
Thousands Of Catholic School Kids Join Pro-Choice Movement To Avoid Mass
Thousands Of Voters Report "Mean Looks", Other Forms Of Harassment At Polls
Town's "Crystal Meth Daze" Celebration Fails To Draw Expected Turnout
Triple Hurricanes Threaten Entire Florida Comb-Over Industry
Using Heinz Ketchup Could Turn You Into A Liberal, Warn Republicans
Washington, D.C. Chosen As New Capital Of Iraq
Weapons Of Mass Destruction Make Surprise Visit To Iraq
What Happened In Vegas Didn't Stay In Vegas For Local Man
With Bush's Support, Nader Announces Candidacy
Woman Shocked To Find That Unsolicited Email Attachment Was Actually Virus
Woman Struggles To Conceal Disappointment At Friend's Pregnancy
Working-Class Americans Humiliate Bin Laden Into Surrendering
Young Nader Ruined Kerry's Eighth Birthday Party, Uncovered Tape Reveals
Zarqawi Claims Responsibility For Bomb Dropped In Bathroom

VOLUME THREE NEWS STORIES
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Abandoned Robot Pets Pose Threat To NY Suburb
Activists Protest McNabb's Poor Performance; Say He Lends Credence To Limbaugh
Advertiser Shocked To Learn Pop-Up Ads Are Annoying
Affleck And Lopez Split; Nation In Severe Shock
After Spears-Madonna Kiss, Jealous Justin Timberlake Makes Out With Carson Daly
Aging Hippy Continues To Protest Vietnam
Alabama Activists Confident Prayers Will Protect Monument
American Idol More Important Than Anything Else
Americans Disappointed With War's Cancellation
Amidst SARS Confusion, President Bush Bans Sears
Area Man Called Bastard, Was Not Born Out Of Wedlock
Area Man Runs Off Cliff Without Looking Down, Fails To Fall
Area Man Unsure Why His Girlfriend Broke Up With Him
Area Woman Alienates Friends With Dog "Cuddlemuffin"
Area Woman Wants New Tattoo Noticed
Army Division Accidentally Issued Hooters Playing Cards
Ashton Kutcher Dumps Demi Moore, Begins Dating Florence Henderson
Basketball-Playing Dog Rejected By NBA
Batman Kills Matthew Lesko
Bears Maul And Kill Bear-Lover, Observe Irony
Beleaguered Tony Blair Enters Beauty Pageant
Blistex Announces "Balms, Not Bombs" Campaign
Bryant Frightens Away Opponents, Leads Lakers To Win
Bush Blames Blackouts On Lack Of Domestic Oil
Bush Blasts Disbelieving Media
Bush Declares Toy Guns A National Security Threat
Bush Names Tarragon Official Terror-Eliminating Spice
Bush Unsure Of What "Separation Of Church And State" Actually Mean
Bush Reveals Psychic Powers
Bush Spotted In Streets Asking For 87 Billion
Cancer Linked To Cancer-Causing Activities
Car In Which Gas Is Passed Passes Gas Station; Both Occupants Silently Consider Irony
Casper Dismembers Family Of Five
Catholic Church Combines Gym And Chapel
Charlton Heston Hospitalized
Christian Group Protests Angels Baseball Team Losing
Christians Prepare Release Of "Harry Potter And The Preacher Who Saved Him"
CIA Was Tricked By Spam Email, Says Government
CNN Divulges U.S. War Plans To Iraq
Comedians, Satirists Rally For Bush In 2004
Comically Mismatched Roommates Nearly Kill Each Other
Conformists Suck, Complains Conformist Punk
Conversation Amongst Secretaries Gets A Little Risque
Cover Of Dead Artist's Song Makes Him Spin In Grave
Drunken Irishman Takes Offense To Drunken Irishman Stereotype
Elton John Is "Hetero", Say Rumours; Gay Alliance Enraged
Equal Rights Activists Demand Fair Treatment For Nazis
EV Articles All Written By One Person
Examined: Impressive Email Solicitation For Internet University
Feminists Clamor For Non-Segregated Bathrooms
Fox News Changes Slogan To "Biased As Fuck"
Fox News Sues Michael J. Fox For Copyright Infringement
Fox Takes Advantage Of FCC Rule Change, Buys FCC
France Supports U.S. War, Pleads For Repeal Of "Freedom Fries"
"Glockenspiel" Funniest Word In English Language
God Begins Work On "The Bible II: Lost In New York"
God's New Stuff Sucks, Says Pat Robertson
Gopher Gets Into Root Cellar, Makes Local News Headlines
Governor Schwarzenegger's Plans Include Stopping Cyborgs, Terraforming Mars, More
Hepatitis A Outbreak Merely Part Of Food Authenticity, Says Chi-Chi's Manager
Homeless Man Found To Be Jesus Incarnate
Homosexuals Attack Families Across The Nation
Hulk Smashes Movie Piraters
Hurricane Isabel To Run For Governor Of California
Hussein Family Captured, Placed Into Fox Reality Show
Iraq Destroys Missiles; Bush: "I Don't Give A Shit"
Iraqi Mass Destruction Weapons Were In U.S. All Along
Iraqi Children Pose Serious Militaristic Threat
Iraqi Forces "Cheating", Government Officials Say
Jelly Bean Resembling Jesus Found
Job Market Improving; "How The Hell Did That Happen?" Wonders Bush
Lack Of Political Strategy And Individuality Boosts Clark Ahead In Polls
Limbaugh: "I'm Not A Racist, Just A Drug Addict"
Local Boy Deeply Moved By Good Charlotte Song
Local Group Denies Time Change, Vows Revolution
Local Motorcyclist Hits Tree, Sues Township
"Love Bites" Shirt Wearer Actually Likes Love
Man Accepts Jesus Into His Heart, Has Heart Attack
Man Desiring Computer Room For Himself Uses Flatulence To Clear Out Other Patrons
Man Eats Apple To Counteract Rest Of Day's Poor Eating
Man Gets Harvard Bumper Sticker To Look Smart
Man In Lab Coat Pronounces New Drug Safe
Man Wants To Date French Woman, Unsure If It's Okay Yet
Man's Clapping During Laughter Annoys Wife, Others
Michael Jackson Is Crazed Pervert Robot, Fox Interview Reveals
Mysterious "Handbasket" Envelops US, Begins Dragging Nation To Unknown Underground Location
Name Of "Homeland Security" Officially Changed To "Ministry Of Peace"
NASA Engineers Offended At Remarks Concerning Satellite's Sexual Preference
Nation Stunned At "Joe Millionaire" Outcome
New Ad Campaign Drums Up Support For War
New DJ Unwittingly Plays "Lame-Ass" Songs
New Fad: High School Marriages
New Navy Slogan: "Life, Liberty, And Pursuit Of All Who Threaten It"
New Saddam Tape Surfaces, Guest Stars Paris Hilton
Newspeak Now Official U.S. Language
Nokia Unveils "Tin Can And String" Network
North Korea Not Attacked Due To Possession Of WMD
Office Workers Baffled At Gay Co-Worker's Lack Of Style
Overturning Sodomy Laws Kills Strom Thurmond
Palestinian Prime Minister Resigns; Bush Redirects Road Map To Burger King
Palm Sunday Now No Palm Sunday
Press Secretary Ari Fleisher Steps Down, Replaced By Ari Fleisher Reloaded
Punk Band To Release CD Of Actual Punk Music
Radio Station Forgets To "Bleep" Obscenity; Society Ends
Rapper C-Murder Unsurprisingly Convicted Of Murder
Rapper Coins New Suffix
Ray Stevens Composes "Livin' La Vida Freedom" For Iraq
Rumsfeld Criticized For Showing Graphic Images Of Himself
Russia And France Declare Veto Intent, Are Obliterated
Saddam Blames War Loss On Incomplete Electronic Scoreboard
Saddam Releases New Tape, Theatens To Say "Mean Things"
Schwarzenegger Illustrates Admiration For Women By Having Sex With Wife, Other Women
Second Mix CD For Girlfriend Lacks Poignancy, Coherency Of Original
Secret To Happiness At Work Is Horrible Home Life, Says Study
Shocking Prescription Drug Commercial Actually Portrays Drug's Purpose
"Shmegans", Next Level Of Vegans, Will Not Eat, Use Anything
Siegfried & Roy's Tiger Was Homophobic, Say Activists
"Sniper Hole" No Longer Option On Chevy Autos
Statement Reveals Ikea Has No Ties To Sweden
Student Plays Snood Instead Of Writing Paper
Student's Liver Anxious About Returning To College
Style Comes Up And Bites Man's Ass; Man Fails To Recognize It
Tax Cut Under Fire; Defensive Bush Responds Nation Is "Too Poor"
Terror Alert Reaches Light Orangish-Brown
Terrorists Target Crucial Staple Of American Life
Timberlake Sweeps MTV Awards, Proves Apocalypse Is Near
Tracking The Terminator: The EV On Schwarzenegger's Campaign Trail, Part 1
Tracking The Terminator: The EV On Schwarzenegger's Campaign Trail, Part 2
Tracking The Terminator: The EV On Schwarzenegger's Campaign Trail, Part 3
U.N. Address Preview: Bush To Deepen Split In U.N. Relations, Hit Self On Head With Large Mallet
U.S. Credibility Concerns Prompt Alex Trebek CIA Hiring
U.S. Challenges Iraq To Soccer Friendly
U.S. Officials: "Some Kind Of Danger" Possible At Any Time
U.S. Soldier Frightened; Also A Few Iraqis Killed Probably
Use Of Perfume Causes Nymphomania, Eating Disorders
Vin Diesel Ends War In Iraq
WB Network Buys Rights To War Coverage Reruns
White House Conference Yields Important Answers
Woman Determined To Be White Trash
Woman In SUV Kills Three, Is Punished For Some Reason