I Am Going To Murder Brian Albers
                                     by Pete Dunson

God damnit. Fuck. Shit cunt motherfucker cock-sucking ass-biting!

These are the only words I would say to Brian Albers if I had the fortune of meeting him face-to-face. Sadly, however, he would most likely be unable to hear them as he would be distracted by the uncompromising and repeated impacts of my fist into his face.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty even-tempered and amiable guy...but everybody has their bad days. On those bad days, one cannot be expected to be a fucking ray of god damn happy sunshine, especially when the paper I work for is printing the excremental shit fucking piece of shit articles by that stupid fucking pissant Brian Albers.

I work my ass off at the plant every fucking day save for Sunday, when my bitch wife makes me go to fucking church and I have to give twenty fucking dollars into the basket that that stupid fucker with that smirk hands around. Now, I am a working man and I earn my money, unlike those lazy-ass bitch-fucking priests who don't even work but one motherfucking day a week and probably use my money to buy altar boy porno and jack off into the communion cup.

Anyways, I'm losing my place. I had just returned from a hard day at the plant, where the foreman has it in for me, just because his fucking piss-pants shithead of a son pissed me off one day and I accidentally rammed his fucking teeth into his god damn pansy ass mouth with my cock and laughed until my gut burst.

That night, I settled down to read the paper I sometimes contribute to as a personal favor to my young friend Daniel Young, and what should I see but that they added new staff members without checking if they had penises or not, because this little fucking pissant had written about the movie XXX, that piece of shit cinematic abortion and that pansy fucking liked it. At first, I tried to keep myself calm, telling myself that it might have been some kind of fucking joke or something, but I read that piece of shit article all the way through, getting madder and madder, and there was not one line, not even at the end, that fucking said it was a joke. I almost pissed my pants I was so enraged. I told the wife that she shouldn't cook dinner because I was going to drive down to Tennessee and kick that little fucker's ass but then I remembered that my car has been wrecked by some stupid fucking pole that just fucking jumped out of nowehere so I couldn't so I gave my punching wall a good workover for about two hours and then I thought about how much that movie sucked and what an idiot that dumb fucking kid must have been to like it and...

Shit.

Fuck You, Pete Dunson
                                     by Brian Albers

Pete Dunson must be the dumbest piece of shit alive. If he honestly thinks my writing reflects my personal opinions, there must be nothing in the place of a brain inside of his ugly-looking head. This is a satire website, which means some of the articles won't be entirely true. Perhaps Dunson never caught on to that.

I wish that old man would come down to Memphis for a good ol' Southern ass beating. Too bad that poor cock-sucker can't afford to own a working car. I'll send him plane tickets, but he better make sure that he brings his wife so I can hit that too. Just in a different manner.

I'm sure I won't get a response from him for a long time though, because Dunson doesn't know how to use email. That's right everyone, the shit head knows how to check the website every week, but he is still bewildered by electronic mail. For the nine articles he has written for the Enduring Vision, he has written his pieces on paper and mailed them to Josh or Dan. I'll send him a new computer too if he wants so that I can get his response before May.

Hopefully he'll work on his grammar before he sends something in, for he used the word "fucking" as a name when he said "and that pansy fucking liked it." Also, his penmanship is quite lacking because the end of his article was unreadable, which is the reason Josh wrote "shit" at the end of it. There's another reason for me to send him a new computer.

I wonder why this man is so angry at the world. Maybe it's because he is definitely not getting a tax cut from Bush's new plan, for we have already established the fact that he's got the poorest ass in Maine. Anyone that works as much as he claims to would not be poor, so that leaves us with one of two conclusions: either he makes shit for money because he's so moronic, or he simply lies about how much he works to get sympathy from us all. I'm going to guess the latter, but both are quite possible.

So in the eloquent style of Pete Dunson, fuck you, you motherfucking cock-sucking penis-licking cunt-hating ugly-ass shit-faced Yankee dick eater, and fuck your faggot bratty children too.

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