Protesting Peacefully: What Can You Do?
                                     by Josh Righter

This week, the Republican National Convention will be held in New York, and already, protesters have gathered to make their voices heard, with hundreds of thousands marching through the streets before the Convention even officially started. Unfortunately, though, over 200 have already been arrested. Will you be the next to go? Not if you read our brand-new tips!

- Refrain from biting police officers
Though you may get hungry on the streets of New York, police officers offer only minimal nutrition at best, and some may not even appreciate being eaten. Try not to do this, although extreme situations may be used as an exception.

- Change political affiliation
If you become a Republican, you will no longer have anything to protest about, thus guaranteeing that you will not be arrested. Caution: beware of "double protesting", which occurs when protesters are protested by additional protesters.

- Put nice messages on signs
Nobody likes angry, hate-filled things like "Down With Bush" or "Where Are Those Weapons?" Instead, consider kinder phrases like "Why Can't We Be Friends?", "Democrats And Republicans: They're Both A-OK!", and "Hey, Let's Just Blame Black People!"

- If you see Anne Coulter, terminate her immediately
This is not peaceful by definition, but will make almost everyone love you anyway, in the same way that they might if you were to kill a powerful Demon.

- Before saying or doing anything, ask for police officer's permission
There's only one sure-fire way to make sure you're within the bounds of the law: ask a nearby officer if whatever you happen to be doing is okay. Special note: common everyday things like speaking quietly and breathing may be unacceptable in a protest situation. Remember to ask before committing any of these dangerous actions.

- Scream, "I'm going to assassinate Bush...with love!"
People will enjoy your light-hearted joke, and be less likely to turn the protest into a riot or other dangerous situation. Remember to allow lots of time between the first and second part of the joke for maximum effect.

- Impregnate/be impregnated by other protesters
Nothing is more beautiful and peaceful than the miracle of life. Show the police officers that you're expanding the human species even as you protest, and they'll be more likely to leave you to your business.

- Make attacks less specific to lessen hate
You can make an effective political statement without naming names or specific events. Nothing sends your peaceful-but-stern message home like a chant of, "I dislike certain things," or a sign reading, "There are some outstanding issues I am concerned about."

- Light American flag on fire, then heroically extinguish it
By saving the flag of your country from a fiery demise, you'll be demonstrating how much you love freedom and peace. Tip: you can also replace "American flag" with "Bush effigy".

- Realize you're not going to change anyone's mind and go home
Let's face it: nobody is going to vote Democrat instead of Republican because they read a catchy rhyming slogan on some hippie's sign. Go home and go back to work.

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