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by Josh Righter
This past Friday, many were shocked to learn that prominent USA Today reporter Jack Kelley completely made up "substantial portions of at least eight stories", according to a CNN report on the matter. Combined with last year's news of a New York Times writer fabricating plenty of news stories of his own, there is an alarming dilemma we have to face here: how do we know the news we read is real? Luckily, The Enduring Vision has some tips that will have you covered.
- Avoid
articles containing words "bootylicious", "fucktastic",
"barf-o-rama"
Most real news reporters will avoid using language
like this in their articles, although a few real ones do.
- Recognize
illogical statements like "The President then flew off to his second
house on one of Jupiter's rings"
An informed reader is a smart reader -- realize that some things,
for various reasons, just cannot happen.
-
Verify news with wife, who has time to sit at home on her lazy ass all
day and watch CNN
Maybe
if she got a god damned job she wouldn't know, but as it stands now,
your good-for-nothing woman will probably have a keen idea on what's
going on in the world.
- Do
not obtain news from supermarket tabloids
This may seem like a smart idea because you are getting news
you don't have to pay for, but surprisingly, many of the news stories
found in tabloids are actually false.
-
Be wary of articles concerning President Bush winning intellectual awards
or pronouncing words greater than two syllables
This
tip falls under a previous one -- don't believe things that couldn't
happen.
-
Avoid articles written by The Hamburglar, Chuck E. Cheese, Martha Stewart
All
of these authors are either fictional characters, or have a history
of lying, or both.
-
Watch "Early Edition"
This
fascinating TV show about a newspaper that predicts the future will
remind you that sometimes, articles aren't fabricated -- they just haven't
happened yet.
-
Make up own news
If
it's false, you have no-one to blame but yourself, liar.
-
Say wisely, "Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction."
After
making this statement, shake your head in vague disappointment and walk
away.
-
Avoid watching the Fox News Channel
All
of these news stories are fake.
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