Running For Governor: What Can You Do?

Running For Governor: What Can You Do?
by Josh Righter

Nearly one hundred potential candidates for Governor of California are currently registered following the opening of the registration due to the current governor being removed from office. But contrary to what many of the applicants probably believe, governing a whole state is not quite as easy as it sounds. Bearing this in mind, The Enduring Vision has compiled a list of things you should keep in mind when you put together your own campaign for governor, or if you're involved in one right now.

- Check out library books on being a governor
Many would-be governors probably wouldn't even think of the public library as a resource, but the books within can tell you all you'll need to know about governing.

- Don't worry about money
You may have heard the old saying, "Anybody can be President [hold an office] in America." This is 100% correct. Money is no issue when dealing with politics, ensuring that everyone in America has a chance.

- Make sure you know nothing about politics
The most talked-about candidate for California's governor right now is Arnold Schwarzenegger -- someone who has little background or knowledge of politics. If you know a thing or two about governing, you may want to sit this one out.

- Make all appearences with miniature American flag in hand
Nobody likes a politician who isn't patriotic. Feel free to substitute a button pinned to your shirt reading "America Rules!" in the absence of a flag.

- Run TV ads calling sexuality of competitors into question
No politician is above a little mud-slinging, and you might as well get it out of the way early on by calling your rival a flaming pole-smoker (note: "carpet muncher" may be used if your opponent is a woman).

- Hold some hag's smelly fucking kid for a picture
The baby may be crying and screaming in your god damned ear, which is funny since you have a headache which stems from being stressed out beyond belief and not having any fucking sleep in the last 25 hours, but the picture will score you more voter points than almost anything else.

- Accomodate busy schedule by taking methamphetamines
No human being could possibly make all the necessary media and personal appearences required to win an election and still continue to maintain life. Help your body by feeding it speed.

- Get wacky relative to help you with campaign like in "Black Sheep"
A crazy, do-anything brother may appear as if he is hampering your campaign at first, but he will eventually stumble into a winning stragedy somehow, making a heartfelt speech that will remind you and your voters that in all of this craziness in politics, you've forgotten good old fashioned human compassion.

- If riding in celebration parade, don't get shot
Former President John F. Kennedy did not concern himself with how dangerous riding around in a convertable can be, and now he's dead. Ride in an armoured car at all times, being careful to pay attention to libraries -- or grassy knolls -- where potential assassins could be.

- Get votes against you discounted somehow
Hey, it worked for George W. Bush in Florida.

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