Stopping Gay Marriage: What Can You Do?

Stopping Gay Marriage: What Can You Do?
by Josh Righter

With the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts last week, more legalizations seemingly on the way, and an overall increased tolerance for homosexuality in recent times, gay marriage is an issue that is almost certainly here to stay. But while for those who are gay or those who care for some reason about other people being happy, this news is positive, for the rest of us, it may be cause for alarm. Luckily, The Enduring Vision is here to help see you through this crisis in your life that's being caused by the lives of others.

- Quote impressive Biblical verses to thwart homosexuals
Once they hear that the Bible -- a popular book -- condemns their behavior, most gay people will realize that they are being incorrect, and will quickly change their sexual orientation.

- Explain that homosexuality is "just wrong"
This impressive line of reasoning is practically guaranteed to stop any raving homosexual in his tracks.

- Make exceptions for hot lesbians
Although gay marriage between two men or two butch women is not right, there is nothing at all wrong with a hot make-out session between two attractive lesbians.

- Argue that gays can choose to be straight if they want
Caution: beware of the sneaky homosexual counter-attack to this, which attempts to trick you by asking you if you can choose to become gay. The obvious answer to this is no, because being gay is stupid and wrong.

- Let gays know that by getting married, they are destroying your marriage
Homosexual marriage, if legalized, instantly ruins the sanctity of any heterosexual marriages within a 50 mile radius of the homosexual couple -- this is a proven scientific fact. Any gay person with a heart will realize that their strange, weird ideas of "love" are not worth pursuing when they ruin the lives of innocent straight people.

- Explain that you don't hate gay people, just the fact that they are gay
With this line of defense, you will be able to continue opposing gay marriages while still appearing to be a nice person.

- Warn gays that if they marry, God will kill them instantaneously
God hates homosexuality so much that He will instantly smite anyone who participates in it. Note: if gay married couples do not die instantly, they either a) have AIDS and will die soon, or b) were not really gay.

- Threaten to keep them out of the Ar -- oh, fuck
Thanks a lot, President Bill Faggot.

- Get them to watch classic movie "The Breakfast Club"
This hit movie about kids serving detention will teach gay people that if they continue to be gay, Emilio Estevez will duct-tape their ass cheeks together in the locker room.

- Worry about own life
If all else fails, you may have to accept the sad truth: you can't change other people, and you are only making both yourself and others miserable by trying. If this happens, the terrorists have won.

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