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by Josh Righter
Our government is doing the best they can for us in this war against terrorism -- beefing up airport security, bombing Afghanistan -- things that make us feel safer and better. But you may not have realized that there are some steps that you can take to further insure the safety and quality of life of you, your family and friends, and even your country.
-
Tell people the US has captured Osama bin Laden
Though
it may not be true at the time that you tell them, the important thing
is, people will feel much more secure with the infamous criminal mastermind
behind bars.
-
Commit acts of terrorism, but warn everyone first
After
being completely surprised by the terrorist acts on September 11, people
will greatly appreciate a terrorist attack that they know about in advance.
-
Help economy by going into deep debt with extravagant purchases
There's
nothing more reassuring than a stable country, and you can do your part
by maxing out your credit cards on items you could never have afforded
before the attacks.
-
Put on puppet show involving bin Laden, Bush, and terrorism
By joking
lightly about this difficult situation, you'll be sure to set the minds
of everyone at ease.
-
Make ominous warnings about future attacks
This operates
on the principal that someone can get so scared that they reach a point
of numbness, where they have no fear at all.
-
Encourage and assist in suicides of friends and coworkers
People
can't worry about things when they're dead. Put up posters and give
out silly stickers informing people how fun and helpful suicide can
be.
-
Explain that whole incident is elaborate hoax
When you
tell people that the United States wasn't really attacked, they'll
feel better in no time.
-
Shout "Oh God, I've got smallpox!" in crowded area
People
will feel better when they see that although you are sick, they are
still nice and healthy.
-
Wear t-shirt that features bin Laden's head inside of love heart
Everyone
who sees you in this sarcastic shirt will laugh, and will feel better
in this tough time.
-
Complain that news coverage is interfering with your TV shows
Take people's
minds off the incident by cleverly changing the subject.
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