Top Ten Reasons For The Filibuster Fight
                                     by Josh Righter

Those wacky politicians! The Dems and Repubs (abbreviating the party names like this does not actually save me much time, but makes me look like I'm hip to the political scene and/or too cool for it so I'm mocking it) have been squabbling ever since the 2004 election (prior to this, they did not fight at all and in fact were secretly the same party), and things just keep escalating -- today, Republican leader Bill Frist told Democrats that they could stop trying to "compromise like pussies" and just "accept all of our judicial nominees already". Remember, though, that there's more than just judges in the balance here: Republicans could also take away the right to filibuster, leaving almost nothing between the Cincinnati Circuit Court of Appeals and Ted Nugent. Why can't these two crazy groups put aside their differences and love each other? Let's find out:

1.) Tricky Democrats are "playing politics"
A common move for politicians to resort to when they aren't listening to what the other side is trying to force them to do, Democrats have decided to "play politics," in the words of White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, in order to be as annoying as possible. In private, most Democrats love the judicial nominees and have even had sleep-over parties with them. They are just being difficult right now.

2.) Politicians merely want to say "filibuster" over and over again
Filibuster ranks as one of the United States' top seven most humorous words, right up there with gut-busters like "glockenspiel", "personal account", and, in some regions, "homosexual". It's no secret that many politicians are participating in the judicial/filibuster debate merely to increase the number of times during the day that they can legitimately say filibuster, although Harry Reid has apparently taken to "filibustering" his wife.

3.) White House hopes confused public will support a "nuclear option" for Iraq, Iran, Canada
Although it's just a nickname for taking away the right to filibuster, some White House insiders revealed that it is the Bush administration's hope that the term "nuclear option", if heard enough by an unwitting public, will take on a new meaning and enable them to use nuclear weapons on dangerous rogue countries. Possible backfire: dimwitted populace interprets the term as "nuclear ocean", causing the hippie whale lover demographic to grow angry.

4.) All politicians secretly love Ted Nugent
Let's face it: Ted Nugent is the rock and roll king of our times. And while it's a well-known fact that he and Tom DeLay have been seen outside NRA conventions playfully shooting each other in the legs, lesser known is the fact that virtually all politicians, regardless of party orientation, enjoy a good live performance of Wango Tango, which the Nuge would be constitutionally obligated to perform after every court decision. With no pesky filibustering (note: groupies would likely provide some filibustering) to worry about, Nugent could be nominated at a future date without shame, and to the relief of all.

5.) Democrats have too damn much power these days
While it's true that Republicans control the Presidency, the House, and the Senate, Democrats still have plenty of influence in other political spheres, including the little-known Fort of Representatives for Non-Humans as well as the Zenate, where they hold an astonishing 52% majority. Democrats also helm the infamous "liberal media" which includes notoriously leftist outlets like the Washington Post and Fox News. Therefore, Republicans must keep up the good fight, if only to prove David really can beat Goliath.

6.) The judges are the only non-activist judges left in existence
Activist judge: it's a term to make every Republican's skin crawl and every Democrat cream in his pants. These judges are crazed lunatics who have slowly but surely taken control of our nation's entire legal system, and now hand out decisions that only madmen would support, like banning a gigantic Christian monument from being displayed on government property. The seven judges President Bush wants to nominate are actually the only seven left in all the world who are fair-minded and sane, and would've stepped in to save a brain-dead woman from the wishes of her legal guardian.

7.) Nominations actually hinge on long-running game of Parcheesi
The classic game of moving your pawns around according to bewildering spinners and dice and a complex system of blockades, safety spaces, and doublets is how most debates are settled on Capitol Hill, with the exception of those sent to the Fightin' Pit out back. This particular game is in Parcheesi overtime, meaning that politicians are forced to continue putting on a public debate until a winner emerges from the dust of strange multi-colored boxes.

8.) Making up would be a little too gay
After a long protracted battle is settled, it's only natural for both parties to want to reassure one another that things are on good terms again. But in the case of politicians -- most of whom are gay-fearing and/or actually gay -- this period of making up could come a little too close to making out. Think about it: a little comforting hug from Carl Levin to Bill Frist starts innocently enough...until Frist gives Levin a little stroke on the small of his back to make sure he gets the point. Levin responds by softly blowing in Frist's ear, and before you know it, heterosexual marriages across the country are being ruined somehow.

9.) Fight gives Senators chance to feel, act badass
There's nothing Harry Reid loves more than striding onto Capitol Hill in the morning surrounded by his posse, a giant gold chain hanging from his neck, and shouting, "What the fuck, man? Fuckers can fuck yo'selves!" In happy times, Reid could not do this without being mistaken for Dick Cheney, so it's understandable why he, along with the other Senators who now suddenly carry switchblades and wear spinners on their teeth, would want the fight to continue.

10.) Battle is continuation of April Fool's Joke from 2004
Unbeknownst to most people, Democrats and Republicans resolved to be best friends forever in February of 2004. They have been fooling the general public into thinking otherwise ever since April of that same year due to an elaborate joke set up by Joe Lieberman, who is considered by many to be the ultimate prankster. You fooled us again, Janky Joe!

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