Voting: What Can You Do?

Voting: What Can You Do?
by Josh Righter

With the United States Presidential elections right around the corner, many people still have unanswered questions about the voting process. Will electronic voting cause a headache? What are the rules and regulations inside the polling place? What is the proper procedure to follow in the event of a Sasquatch attack on the voting booths? With our tips, at least some of these questions could be answered!

- Undecided voters: Use clever rhyme to choose candidate
With the utter lack of television commercials, televised debates, and Internet, it's been a difficult year to pick a candidate. For those who still remain undecided all the way up until they are inside the voting booth, chant, "My mother said to pick the very best candidate and you are it," while alternating between candidates with your finger. Tip: do-overs are okay if you end up on a third party candidate.

- Kill people who do not vote
As P. Diddy told us, it's Vote or Die, you fucking bitches. People who don't vote are easily worse than Hitler and The Holocaust combined, and also hate Democracy and freedom and your own mother. Don't allow them to live another Communist-loving second.

- Avoid controversy and blame by voting for everyone
If you support all candidates, nobody can hold you accountable if the winner ends up destroying the country, since you voted for his opponent, as well. Tip: if the voting machine will not allow you to do this, break it until it does.

- Do not attempt to vote for John Kerry or the voting machine will break
Diebold has cleverly constructed all voting machines to throw out votes for Kerry, so don't even bother. This may sound like a terrible thing, but it is actually terribly helpful, since having only one candidate who can possibly win is a lot less to think about.

- Women: nope
Awww, does my baby want to vote? I'll tell you what, honey: you can vote on whether I have meat loaf or pot roast for dinner. You can even write it on a little piece of paper if you want! See, I do do nice things for you!

- Do not get caught up in meaningless non-Presidential voting
Attorney General, Senators -- these relatively useless government positions will only serve to distract you from the main point of the election. After all, if they're so important, why aren't they President?

- Annoy everyone by going door-to-door to support your candidate
No Presidential election would be complete without irritating college kids and hippies canvassing their neighborhoods to bother people who already know who they're voting for anyway. Tip: try to get into arguments with people that can have no possible correct conclusion, such as abortion, in order to keep them from their dinner as long as possible.

- Watch "Head Of State"
This blackalicious Chris Rock comedy will teach you an important lesson about politics: a little street smarts and being true to yourself will overcome nasty, square old white guys in time. Tip: although there are no black candidates to vote for in the real election, George W. Bush looks more like a black person that John Kerry does.

- Pick the correct candidate
Only one candidate will lead the United States into a golden age of prosperity and utopia where poor people are extinct, energy needs are solving by magical ponies running on conveyor belts, and Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden realize they weren't being fair, and agree to love us. Be sure to pick this one.

- Kill self
By voting with your life, you make the ultimate vote, and are thus the best possible American you can be. Other votes are good, but they still hate freedom at least a little bit when compared to the ultimate vote.

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