We Can Fix Iraq Like We Fixed Japan

Pictured: Frank Patriot

My American friends, you all need to gather around and listen up, here, and listen good, because I have a few things to say that our liberal hippie friends may not approve of. Why? Because 1) they're actually good ideas, and 2) they don't involve hugging trees and kissing god damned fuzzy pink bunny rabbits.

It goes like this: I heard today from CNN that November was the deadliest month of America's Iraq occupation, with 100 coalition troops being killed (the article didn't mention how many Iraqi civilians died, which is one good thing, at least). Now of course, this is damned terrible news. But luckily, it gave me a good idea to end this god damned war once and for all: a little thing I like to call "Operation Drop An Atomic Bomb Like We Did To Hiroshima".

I bet you forgot about the A-Bomb, didn't you, my friends? That's because the liberal assholes up there in Washington D.C. don't want you to remember that fantastic American invention. Well guess what, wussies? Frank Patriot remembered, and now he's spreading the word. The A-Bomb is the answer to our prayers that we've been waiting for, and it's high time we used it.

Think about it: the situation in Iraq is a lot like back in the final days of World War II. Japan had attacked us at Pearl Harbor, much like Iraq attacked us at...well, much like they probably would have attacked us with their weapons of mass destruction that they quickly destroyed before we got there to make us look stupid. But anyway, it's pretty much the same thing. The only difference is that in Japan, we kicked some ass and killed an estimated 200,000 people, practically none of them American. In Iraq, we dropped no god damned bombs and now our own god damned people are dying! What the hell?

If there's one thing history should've taught us by now, it's this: dropping bombs fixes things, and fast. So I don't really understand why we're not using this quick fix for these situations today. Iraq creating trouble? Boom! Now it's a crater! North Korea acting up? Blam! Now it's more like Radiation Fallout Korea! You get the picture.

Listen, I understand the need for our ground troops to be over there. We need to keep the interests of this great nation of ours in mind, and setting up an exploitation government over there would've been mighty sweet, I'll admit. It was nice of George W. Bush to try. But fellas, it's just not working. Time to cut our losses, A-Bomb the place, and move on. No fuss, no muss.

Thanks to people like Al Should-Have-Been-Sued-By-Fox-News Franken, though, these nice and easy solutions just never happen. Instead, it's beat around the pussy-bush, singing hippie songs and sniffing flowers. Well, let me tell you something, Demoshits: an A-Bomb can smell just as good as a flower, and it's a hell of a lot more powerful, too.

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. Should he deserve it, he hopes to one day have the American government drop an atomic bomb on him.

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