News Reporters: Get Over Iraq, The War Is Over
You know, America, it seems like every time I turn on the Fox News Channel nowadays, I see a different news story about Iraq. "American Soldier Dies In Iraq!" or "Car Bomb Kills Five U.S. Soldiers And Who The Hell Knows How Many Iraqis!" And yes, we all know that being in Iraq is exciting and cool to watch, and that Americans losing their lives is sad and people want to know about it. But believe it or not, I have a piece of advice to the Fox News Channel and any other news show: enough already!
Let me give you all an analogy: do we still watch news reports about the war in Vietnam? Except when an occasional special comes on to try and tell us it was some kind of mistake when we all know it was a huge American victory (so huge that we didn't even need to stay there for the whole war), no, we don't. Why? Because it's a war that's over!
What does this have to do with Iraq? Well, if I remember correctly, a little man you might know called PRESIDENT GEORGE WALKER JESUS BUSH declared an end to major combat in Iraq on May 3, 2003 -- almost a year ago! He got onboard that aircraft carrier -- probably to help out with some combat operations, because he's hardcore like that and has loads of military duty experience that he faithfully fulfilled -- and beneath a banner that said "Mission Accomplished", he said it: we're done in Iraq. Case closed. So why do we keep hearing about it?
I'll tell you why, America -- the liberal media. Yes, those communist bastards infect our news outlets -- even traditionally reliable ones like old Fox News -- and try and make us feel bad about Iraq, saying things like, "Hundreds of people have died since Bush said the war was over -- even more than when it was going on!" and "How is the war over when Iraq is still in a state of chaos?" and even "America sucks GO BIN LADEN!!" If you're not careful, you could even find yourself suddenly saying one day, "Where are the weapons of mass destruction, anyhow?" You laugh, America, but I tell you these are some sneaky pinko bastards we are dealing with here.
Luckily, I'm here to set the record straight, so watch as I single-handedly defeat all these liberal "facts" with some good old-fashioned American logic: 1.) I don't care how many people died since Bush said that the war was over. The war's over. 2.) What the hell kind of sick person cares about how conditions are over in the SANDBOX LAND? The war's over, stop crying. 3.) The weapons of mass destruction aren't in Iraq, they're somewhere else. Tony Blair gave us faulty fucking intelligence because he's a faggot. Oh, and by the way, THE WAR IS OVER SO WHO GIVES AN UNCLE SAM SHIT?
It's a damn shame that U.S. soldiers still have to die in Iraq, I think we can all agree on that. But whenever those damn media stations try to rub that or any other seemingly-bad things about Bush in your face, just do what I do: shut your eyes, cover your ears, and say, "WAR'S OVER WAR'S OVER!" Because it is, and no amount of hippie bullshitting can change that. Now excuse me while I brand another American Flag on my ass.