Releasing Our Torture Memos Is Tortuous To Me

Pictured: Frank Patriot

America, it's been a rough couple of months for us Americans.

Am I talking to you? Here's how to check if you're an American: on Tax Day two days ago, what did you do? If your answer is anything other than "Put every single tea bag I could afford into the water," GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY. I took out a personal loan to purchase and destroy over 45,000 bags of tea. Running a deficit is okay when it's an important cause.

If you're still reading, you know how tough times have been, primarily because we have a President who is a secret monster. You read right. Barack Obama is literally an inhuman creature that devours baby gorillas and penguins during the night. The people who call him a secret Muslim are sadly misinformed -- monsters don't usually follow any one particular organized religion. This is one of only a few times I can think of that an email forward from my fellow conservatives was incorrect.

How is he a monster? Look at what he's done! There is no other explanation, America! What kind of man would willingly release the "torture memos" (a derogatory term from the liberal media -- they should actually be called justice memos) from the Bush administration? All that does is let the terrorists know that we were torturing them, which is something they would have forgotten about, because I'm sure that we tortured them so well that they formed repressed memories about it!

That brings me to another point that Obama cannot possibly comprehend with his monster brain: we never tortured anyone. Torture is a terrible, reprehensible practice that is only conducted by disreputable third world countries. In the entire history of the civilized world, from 1776 until now, the United States has never used torture for any reason. What we did use were enhanced interrogation tactics that could not be considered torture by the definition of torture that we assigned to certain torturous activities.

That didn't come out as well as I thought it would, and for that, I'm sorry, America. If R.P. Bush (Real President -- I have an extremely detailed theory explaining how he never actually transitioned his Presidential powers away) were here, I'm sure he'd be able to explain it a lot better than I ever could. That's one of the 6,500 catalogued things that I miss about R.P. Bush -- the man had a simple, direct way with words. All monster Obama can do is try to emulate human speech from what he learned by eating our dictionaries.

If the Obama administration is so afraid of torture, they should never have released these memos, because by doing so, they're torturing me and all the other true patriots in this country. They have created in me a fear that my death is imminent. Every waking hour, I wonder if my final minute on this Earth is going to arrive, because the terrorists, knowing every nook and cranny of our torture interrogation operations, defeated our security and are now here to kill us all. I kneel down, face the direction I believe R.P. Bush to be located in, and pray, but that can only keep me going for so long...

I can't bear this treatment! You win, monster Obama! I'll give you the information you need! I'll tell you where I keep my cache of flags ...I'm sure you'd love to eat them. Not for strength, but just to harm America. Oh God, I swear I'll tell you, just as long as you re-classify the justice memos and end this agony!

Wait ...wait a second, America. I just remembered something: the few real Americans left in government managed to convince monster Obama to keep the practice of rendition -- secret abductions, for example -- intact. That's really making me feel a lot better, and it's a good thing, too; to be honest, I don't even have a cache of flags, because storing the American flag away from being able to be seen is illegal. I just said anything I could think of to make the terrible pain stop.

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. He recently sued Glenn Beck for copyright infringement.

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